Chaos and Discomfort

Chapter Three

"Girls get up, we've gotta go." Pope says
"Not yet." I say
"JJ get up, school." He says and JJ ignores him
I get up and grab my uniform of the table and go change. I take whoever's hairbrush off the counter and brush my knotted hair and walk out.
"You look like a politician." Pope says
"Thanks." I roll my eyes
"Good morning." Kie groans
"We're gonna be late so hurry up."
"Pope shut up we're fine." JJ says
"Let's just go, I have to bring Izzy to school first anyway." Kie says
"Ah look a rare kook academy princess in her natural habitat." JJ says in an Australian accent
"Can you like not?" I say sarcastically getting up from the chair
"Can we just skip?" JJ asks on the way out to the car
"No." Pope says shortly
"I'm just saying if one person looks at me its gonna be BAM BAM, right to their face." He says opening the door to their van
"It's gonna be fine." Kie says getting into the drivers side
The rest of the ride was quiet, JJ was asleep on the bench seat, Pope stared out the glass of the window, Kie just drove, leaving me in my own thoughts. I can't get passed this one memory, of Sarah, my dad, Rafe, and I at the beach. Just us, me and Rafe were trying to surf, Sarah was building a sandcastle. Dad watched us all from the distance,admiring what he had done with his life. Everyone always assumes he had what he has now handed to him, the truth is he grew up on the cut, groveled to make ends meat, worked hard for what he has now. I'm not saying he deserves any of it, yes he's a liar, manipulator, probably a felon. But he's my dad, so I have to love him.
"Alright bug, do you need a ride home later or?" Kie asks
"Uh no I'll figure it out." I say opening the door
"Okay, are you sure cause we can get you." She says
"No Kie, it's fine really. Thank you for the ride, I will see you later." I smile at her and walk away
"Have a good day bug." JJ groans just waking up
"Thanks." I say shortly I don't want him to think because me and Kie are okay I forgot about what happened. Because I haven't, I wouldn't have sex with him because I thought we should wait until we were more mature until we were ready to have a child as a natural consequence of sex. Clearly he couldn't wait, had to stick it in a random girl, throw away what we had. I've still held true to what I want, he clearly has found what he wants.
"Hey! It's good to see you. I didn't think you would come back yet." Topper says slinging his arm around my shoulder
"Trust me I didn't want too." I say continuing in my path
"I'm really sorry about Sarah." He says with a small smirk
"Topper don't." I say
"Look, im being serious. I love her you know I did, she chose that path for herself and yes it was the wrong one but I still loved her."
"I'm done with this conversation." I say and walk in the opposite direction of him into the girls bathroom
"You know it's really sad what happened to them, but hey atleast they got to be together. Like Romeo and Juliet." I hear a girl say outside the stalls
"Sarah's an idiot for leaving topper for John b, and they both got what they deserved. Hell." Another one says
I decide I've heard enough of this conversation and storm out of the stall, watching their faces when I came out was worth the anger though. I'm just going to go to class, not worry about what other people think. Make it through first period, then I have a free period it will be okay.
"Oh god I'm sorry." A familiar voice says bumping into me in the hall
"God Kelce watch where your going." I say ruder than it had to be
"Sorry Iz, have a good day." He smiles and walks away
I sit down in Mrs Dorrs English class in my usual seat. I assume she wasn't expecting me to come in either by the look of surprise accross her face.
"Ah! Isabella! So good to see you! How are you doing sweetie?" She says walking over to my desk
"I'm... I'm good." I say
"I'm glad, listen if you ever need to talk let me know. Sarah was one of my favorite students, you look just like her." She says
"Thanks, I get that a lot." I say attempting to not sound sarcastic, she means well I know. The bell rings and more kids flood in, many familiar faces of people who I've grown up with, seen around town, have gone to school with for years. In reality we don't know who eachother are, we know nothing about one another, we know each others names, where they live, how much money their parents make. But we don't know anything about each other's self.
"Today you will all draft a short essay,a free write. I want you to dig deep, you guys have all of class, good luck!"

As humans we have a natural fight or flight response. Our mind is trained to flee when things get hard or fight instead of accepting. My entire life I've struggle to differentiate if what I was feeling was love or if it's lust. I see kids at my school their parents so perfect, their siblings so close, lust. That is lust. I want what I can't have, I take what I'm not given, I hold things in my heart when they are not mine to be holding. Love? I don't know. I don't have the answer to love, not because I've never felt I was being love by another but because I have never loved another person the way I love Sarah. So when the one the you love is taken you begin to question what is love. That is the question which no one will have the answer to because there is not one. As humans we have a natural fight or flight response because our minds are wired to make decisions in which the don't console with the mind that is in our hearts. Our heart answers the hard to be asked love or lust questions do I want it or am I filled with it and have no one to give it to because my person is dead. We're all filled with love, humans are vessels of blood, organs, and love. The world revolves around love, the world needs love to survive. So how do I survive without you? We live in a world of novels and stories which are made to tailor to those who do not feel in their own world. We read books to feel, to get out of our own minds and let into another's. "You hold in your heart from others because they could not hold it themselves" my sister told me. She was 9 when she said that. I always wondered where we went when we died, I was told to not worry about it until it was my time to go. I would ask my father what heaven was like and he would tell me 'I don't know sweetie, I've never been.' There have been various times I have thought about whether or not I believe in heaven. You can't see it, believing isn't seeing. So if I can't see god, heaven, or hell is there any way I will be able to believe without seeing? The truth is heaven is not a place we go to when we die, it's a person we love when we're alive. Sarah was my heaven, Sarah was my love, I wasn't hers and she followed hers into the grave.
I put my pencil down and resonate with what I just wrote, I look up at the clock it had been 50 minutes from the time class started to now. I raise my hand for her to come collect my work, she comes to grab it and begins reading infront of my desk. Shook at what she is reading I can't tell if it's good or bad. I stare at my hands hoping she would hate it and move on.
"That is beautiful." Is all she says and goes back to sit at her desk
"Thank you." I say
"Alright ladies and gentleman those who would like to read their essays out for the class will gain and extra point on the next next. If not that is totally okay, Isabella would you like to read first?" She asks
"Uhm, yeah. Sure." I say standing up and heading toward the front of the room
I clear my throat and shakily scan over the paper making sure there were no mistakes which would embarrass me.
"As humans we have a natural fight or flight response. Our mind is trained to flee when things get hard or fight instead of accepting. My entire life I've struggle to differentiate if what I was feeling was love or if it's lust. I see kids at my school their parents so perfect, their siblings so close, lust. That is lust. I want what I can't have, I take what I'm not given, I hold things in my heart when they are not mine to be holding. Love? I don't know. I don't have the answer to love, not because I've never felt I was being love by another but because I have never loved another person the way I love Sarah. So when the one the you love is taken you begin to question what is love. That is the question which no one will have the answer to because there is not one. As humans we have a natural fight or flight response because our minds are wired to make decisions in which the don't console with the mind that is in our hearts. Our heart answers the hard to be asked love or lust questions do I want it or-" My phone blares my ringtone in my pocket. I stop reading and take it out to look at it, a group text from potential spam and an image. I click on it, Sarah and John b.
"Holy shit!" I yell grabbing my completely zipped backpack of the floor and run out
"Isabella! We're in class!" Mrs Dorr yells down the hall
I sprint outside and run down the block, the public school is a mile away, I sprint the whole way. The thought of my sister being alive is the most painful most amazing feeling I've ever had. The wonder of how she did it fills my brain, how did they make it, there's no way, it has to be a joke. It isn't real. School street, I read the sign above me and sprint down, I hear JJ yelling in the square and run to his voice.
"Guys! Guys! Look at your phone! They made it!" I yell still running toward them
"How the actual hell did you get here?" Kie asks
" I ran." I heave
"Look at your phone! Did you see! Their in Nassau!" JJ says standing up and walking to me
"They made it!" I say still out of breath
"They made it!" Kie yells
"Oh my god." I smile my eyes tearing up I turn to JJ and give him a hug squeezing him tight
"They did it." He whispers
"Yeah." I smile
"We have to clear John bs name, we need your help Iz." Pope says
"You up for it?" Kie asks
"Hell yeah I'm up for it." I smile and walk over and hug Pope