Chaos and Discomfort

Chapter Fifteen

We sat there dumbfounded about what we have just witnessed. John b didn't comfort Sarah, he stared at the remains of my fathers boat, watching as topper hugged her as she screamed. I turn away from JJ and look back to  the burning ship. We have so many memories on that boat good and bad. Fishing trips as a family, sailing around for fun.
"Are you okay?" Pope asks looking at me staring dead at the boat I just nod. John b, clearly mad at Sarah, mad at topper, at everything just left her with him on the dock, until she was ready to leave. Sarah called me two days later of me laying in the couch just thinking, telling me i needed to come home to review dads will. So we sat in the familiar patio table, often where we ate lunch as kids.
"A great man once said this if you're born poor, that's not your fault. But if you die poor, well that's on you. I think in the end, it was my fear of going back, of losing everything I have that made me lose sight of everything I am... everything I wanted to be, I killed big John Rutledge. I murdered sheriff Peterkin. I shot gavin barnstead. I know there is nothing to ease the pain I have caused, many will say I took the easy way out.
But I leave this world with the terrible pain of knowing that I leave behind my family, shattered by grief, broken by my sins. I don't expect you to forgive me for leaving this way. I just pray you understand that... i can't go on ruining your lives anymore. This had to end. To all of you I leave my estate, to be divided equally, and I leave a love deeper than I could ever express. Take care of eachother." The video ends me and Wheezie get up immediately.
"Iz-" Rafe says but ignore him and go to my room to pack a bag for John bs
"Can we talk?" He asks
"Stay over there." I tell him
"Okay, okay. I'm sorry, I know what I did and I'm sorry. But dad wouldn't want you leaving for those pogues he would want you here with your family."
"This is not my family."
"How can you say that? You just watched your father die infront of you and we just aren't your family now?"
"Where were you when dad blew him self up? Hmm I think it rhymes with tail?"
"And I was in there because of you and your friends." He snarls
"Good it's where you belong." I say showing as many pairs of clothes I can into the bag
"Don't say that Izzy, you don't mean it. Dad would want us to stick together remember? It was always me and you against the world?"
"Yeah me you and a line of coke against the world. Listen Rafe, dad is dead, he is gone. It will not change that what you have done to me, and my friends is not forgivable."
"What have I done? Huh?! What did I do to you?!" He yells
"You fucking shot me Rafe! Do you see this? Do you see my arm? Or the scar I'm gonna live with for the rest of my life as a reminder to how fucking stupid you are! " I say grabbing my bag and walk past him
"Your gonna wish one day, you would have been nicer to me. You will."
"I'm sure, let me know when your pity parties over." I say hobbling down the stairs

I walk back to the chateau, they all are out on the dock. JJ and pope fishing, they didn't know I was there so I just listened to the conversation.
"He deserved it right?" JJ asks
"Are you joking? Of course he deserved it." Kie said
"Never seen anyone blow themselves up like that." Pope says Kie sees me and tries to get him to stop talking but he doesn't. I climb down to the boat and sit with John b.
"Cross that one off the bucket list." JJ says still not knowing I was there
"JJ!" Kie says pointing to me and John b
"Shit." He says under his breath
"Are you okay?" She asks John b
"It's not me I'm worried about." He says
"What about you? How are you doing?" She asks
"I'm fine." I say leaning against one of the docks poles
"You see Sarah today?" John b asks
"She's ignoring me." I say
"Oh god." I hear pope sigh
"I'm going inside." I say getting off and walking back to the dock
"You gonna...?" Kie asks jj
"Yup! I'm on it." He says setting the fishing rod down and running to me
"Hey, hey!" He catches up to me and wraps his arm around my waist trying to stop me from walking away
"Yes?" I ask
"What's up? Are you okay?"
"Can I be honest?" I ask and he nods
"I'm not upset, and it's bothering me." I say
"What do you mean?"
"My dad just died infront of me and my sister and I'm not upset. I cried more when Hamilton died in the musical than I did when my own father blew himself up infront of me."
"So your mad because you aren't upset?" He asks
"He's my dad, J. He took me on camping trips, he took me school shopping, father daughter dances,. I know he's a horrible person and I have every reason to be happy he's gone but for some reason I can't get it out of my head I won't see him again. But I can't cry, or even be mad, or sad, I just dont get it."
"It's okay. He's your dad, whatever your feeling, it's okay." He says hugging me
"You tired?" He asks
"Exhausted."
"Let's take a nap." He says
"Where?"
"I don't know, John bs room."
"Okay, we're just sleeping though, so don't try anything." I smile
"Whaaat I would never. How dare you suggest that." He says
"Oh shut it and come inside." I say opening the door
"Yes ma'am." He says grabbing the door and following me in
We slept for hours, nothing sexual just sleep. That's what we needed, sleep. I can't remember the last time I slept for over 4 hours. But we did, and then Kie came in and threw a pillow at us, told us to go outside with her. We got up I grabbed one of John bs sweatshirts off the floor and followed jj outside.
"Gonna leave me for JB?" JJ jokes
"Ew he's like my big brother J."
"You know if him and Sarah are married he actually is your big brother." He says walking down the dock
"Oh your right." I laugh
"Wait JJ, beer." I say
"Oh you really are my girlfriend, hold on I will be right back." He says running back to the porch
"Your good for him you know." Kie says
"We're good for eachother." I say
"Got em!" He yells running out with a pile of beer in his hands
"Got any for us?" Kie asks
"You can have a sip." He says
"How kind." I laugh
We walk down the dock to John b and pope, jj throws them a beer, I felt bad it looked like we were inturrupting them.
"What are you guys doing down here? Having a good cry?" JJ asks
"Cry?" Pope asks
"Cry? What are you talking— we don't cry." John b says pinching the bridge of his nose
"You know it's not your fault right?" I say
"You think she'll come around?" He asks
"Yeah, dude. She's one of us." Kie says
"Sarah's a pogue." John b laughs
"She'll come back." I say
"Yep. She'll come back to me."
"Right." JJ says
"You know I was just thinking about it. I'm gonna do a backflip." John b says
"Your lying!" I yell
"Oh you don't think I will?"
"You won't." JJ says
"Wooo!" We all yell when he flips into the water
"Yeah!" We all yell
"I thought you were joking!" I laugh sipping some beer
"You don't know me like that!" He yells climbing back up
"On a serious note. I was thinking, when ward, you know, he left a note to rose telling her to pull me from school. So she enrolled me into the public school. So i was thinking i am now like officially a pogue."
"Girl you already were." Kie says slinging her arm over me
"So your coming to school? Like with us?" JJ asks
"Sure am." I smile
"Oh thank god, someone who's smart." Pope says
"Hey I'm smart." Kie says splashing him with beer
"Bro!" He yells
"Take it back." She says
"No!" He yells
"Pope buddy, I would run." John b says
"Take it back!" Kie yells throwing beer at him
"Bro your wasting the good stuff!" JJ yells
"She's gonna kill him." John b says
"You know he called you dumb too right?"
"Pope!" They both yell opening a new can and chasing him down with Kie
"Go easy on him! He's just a boy!" I laugh watching the chaos going on
"Got him!" JJ yells tackling pope to the ground
"Got off me!" Pope laughs
"Alright alright. You got lucky." John b laughs
"Oh god you cannot go to school smelling like that." Kie says
"Like what?" They ask
"Like you came out of a brewery." I say
"Well the power is off still..." John b says
"So the cats ass it is!" JJ says
"That is not the equivalent to a shower." Pope says
"So we get soap." John b says
"Awe you guys are gonna bathe together." Kie says
"You guys are too. You look like little rats." John b says
"I'm gonna punch you. And it's gonna hurt." I say
"Try me." He says and I get off the railing and try to hit him but he runs away
"Yeah I'm not running." I laugh and walk over to JJ
"Alright, bathing suits on. It's shower time." He says
"This is the oddest thing you have ever done." I say
"No it's not." They all say
"Come on Iz, let's see if John b even has soap."
"Its probably dish soap." We laugh
We look all over the bathroom, only finding a bottle of dove that Kie had left here and the 2 in 1 shampoo John b used.
"I swear they are the most unhygienic people I have ever met." Kie says
"Yeah well, atleast he's trying?" I say holding up the soap
"Oh god." She laughs grabbing her bathing suit off the shower rod
"I guess it's better than nothing." I laugh
"I'm gonna change brb." I say and she nods I go into John bs room and grab a bikini I had left here before and change. I take the gauze off from my stomach and throw it into the trash can and grab a box of bandaids off from his bureau and put one of the big ones on, my incision wasn't to big so it should be fine. I meet Kie in the hall an walk outside to throw the bottles of soap at them.
"Lather up!" JJ says handing a bottle to John b
"You guys could not possibly make the weirder." Pope says taking his shirt off
"Want us too?" John b says
"God please no." I say stepping up to the side of the hot tub
"Is it even okay for you to get in?" John b asks
"It's like a tub full of soap it's the most steril thing around here."
"That's true." Pope agrees
JJ grabs my hands and helps me into the hot tub, I wince when the hot water get under the band aid. I try to not get my cast wet aswell.
"You good?" He asks
"Mhm, just stings a little." I say
"Soap for ma lady." JJ says pouring out a little from the bottle
"Oh your gonna wash my hair for me?" I laugh
"Turn around." He says and starts scrubbing my head
"Ooo Pope wash my hair!" John b says
"Yeah no."
"Bro."
"Come here I will wash your hair for you." I laugh
"God you are so totally my favorite Cameron right now." He says coming over
"That's almost very sweet of you." I laugh and pour some soap into my hand good and scrub it into his hair
"Okay dunk your head in." I tell him
"My turn! My turn!" JJ says
"Turn around, turn around." I laugh and pour more soap in my hand to scrub his hair
"This is gonna be a bitch to clean." John b says
"Isn't it already clean? I mean we used soap." I say
"I'm just gonna let you have that one." Pope says
"What? Is that not how soap works?" I laugh
"No, no she kinda has a point." Kie says
"Thanks Kie. Officially my fav."
"And I wasn't already?" She asks
"Fair point."
"Hey!" They all say
"What? The only other in the running is jj cause he just washed my hair for me." I smile
"Hear that, I'm next in line for favorite." He says
"Aren't you more concerned your not your girlfriend's favorite?" Pope asks
"Aw fuck. Thanks for ruining the moment pope." JJ sighs
"Can we go to bed I'm tired." Kie complains
"I have to get this soap out of my hair." I say
"Swim!" Kie yells
"Swim!" I say and grab her hand and we walk to the water, we would've ran but your girl can barely walk right now.
"Meet us inside!" Pope yells
"Okay!" We yell back sliding into the water to rinse our hair off, I hold my arm above water in attempt to keep my arm dry.
"So pope?" I ask resurfacing
"I don't even know where to begin." She says
"What happened earlier?" I ask
"We are just friends, I don't think he wanted it to be that way." She says
"Of course he didn't. Kie the guy is head over heels for you." I laugh walking toward the shallow end
"It's just, we had sex and then the entire time after the only thing I could think about was wanting to back here and hangout with you guys. I didn't even know what to say to him."
"Maybe you did it to soon." I say
"So you and jj waited?" She asks walking out of the water with me
"Well I mean, there obviously were times I didn't want to stop, but I stopped myself and said 'do you want to have a future with him or is it just for fun?' And until I know the answer we wouldn't be doing anything more."
"So  before you were shot that was?"
"That was the first time, yeah." I say grabbing a towel off a chair
"You know it's all kind of making sense now." She says stopping at the door
"Hm?"
"You know the whole pogue fight, the break up. It's all starting to make sense."
"You know, you might be right." I say opening the door
"Hello ladies, how was your dip?" John b asks in a British accent
"Oh it was lovely!" I say back
"Please never speak in British again." JJ says tired, pulling me to sit with him
"Well aren't you kind." I say sitting on his legs
"We better go to bed, we got a test in the morning." Pope says
"A test?" We all ask
"I literally told you this before." He says
"No you didn't." I say and he goes to lay on the porch couch
"Night pope!" John b calls out
"I'm gonna go change, sleep together?" I ask Kie
"Sleepover!" She says
"It's a very full circle moment, a month ago at this time we were almost in the exact position."
"I guess your right." She smiles and goes to change in the bathroom
"Night j." I say kissing him on the forehead
"Night night bug." He groans probably not even conscious
"Bathrooms all yours." Kie says coming out in a pair of jeans shorts and a top
I walk in and grab a pair of sweatshorts out of my back and a red tank top of Sarah's and change. I walk out and go lay on the pull out with Kie.
"Hey iz."
"Hey Kie."
"Don't get yourself hurt." She says
"I won't." I smile
"And if you do, don't leave me again." She laughs
"I won't, I do t think the boys would survive without me anyway. John b can't even wash his own hair" I laugh
"Yeah, we really love you around here."
"I really love you guys." I smile
"Night bug."
"Night Kie." I say turning over and falling asleep