Casually Compromised - Book 1

The Fool

Driving home.

A mixture of snow and sleet fell as my car slipped in traction and raced down the road- headed home. Inside the car I was rallying to Ministry's Faith Collapsing track. Volume set to max. Another night in the club, recalling and reflecting on what I had done.

After multiple VIP's I had forgotten this was a biz. I was the fool. Taken.

"Your fun fools you Parker." my ego, my alpha expressed in my mind.

I could feel the split, which personality was present now I wondered. The Alpha, my ego in judgement form. Present and all so consuming, judging me, reminding me of my oath to Ally. Stupid, my enabler. It had its fun and now Judge was here to remind us of the fault. Wherever Parker was- he was to shy, too skittish to be present, he was afraid of the obvious though he'd take control in the morning as we pressed on toward our day of conquering.

The other day I had come to another realization- the club was a lot like online gaming. I was a big gamer back in the day, long before I started my business. While my friends would go bars and party, I would escape in online worlds, playing fantasy games, getting sucked into a world I could shape to an extent, getting good at certain things, being needed, wanted in battle, or more so feared in certain aspects.

The alpha in me enjoyed those days. I enjoyed feeling powerful all at the considerable cost of time. Even now in this moment there are some 20 million people on the planet lost in a virtual video game world. Chasing the notion of achievement, entertaining themselves- ha, that was the joke. You did for a second and then the rest was addiction. The club was no different.

Getting to know a stripper was an achievement.

I had earned multiple badges by now.

I was still losing.

Vera's forwardness allowed me to expand on the notion choosing ever more behaviors I wanted to do noting what I was missing with Ally as of late. Our closeness continued. I grew more in line with what I think should could be, falling. Yanking my self up from the spiral I would blame Vera, all the while realizing she was merely working.

She was here to raid.

She was here to take on the dragon, and invited me along. I was sucked into the fantasy world- together we racked up experience points, increasing our connection. This was exactly what it was like - online gaming. You'd go to the virtual town together, stock up on supplies for the battle, then outfit yourself in the best gear, and then travel together protecting each other in the battle of a lifetime.

Ally and I played online together often. I was her protector then as well. I wanted to play that role again.

With Vera it was different. She didn't need protection. She was basically a high level creature, with a built in god key- I was in her world not vice versa. I was the fool to think anything otherwise.

I replayed the track in the car as I sat parked in my drive way. I didn't want to go in yet. I wanted to feel the searing heat from the heater on my skin as I listened to Faith Collapsing over and over, thinking about the spiral I was in.

"I'm over thinking it.." I said to myself.

"You're not thinking enough.." the alpha in my head replied.

"Control is the question." he noted as if to spin in a chair in my head laughing.

The alpha had a point. But recognizing the alpha as an entity reminded me that we had now crossed over into multiple personalities or something, Parker, are you still with me?

Losing control was the issue. Thats been the issue all along. From my challenges with Ally to the club environment and Vera. I was merely letting go, forgoing control and letting my mind fabricate the deception.

And to be honest one can only control so much. My work took a lot of control, I wanted to unplug, be de-corked, unbottled.

I let the game take me cause I wanted it too.

"Don't let the subject lose confidence.." I projected Vera saying as if she paused the game and stared at me in a still frame.

My alpha was reckless yet the well of utter confidence. He was the reason my business existed, it was the reason why I would stand fearless before uncertainty. Perhaps it was wiser than me, yet I often attempted to wall it off, bottle it up fearing its full potential.

Vera was the one not wanting me to lose confidence. As apart of the game, to close me. To transact. Sure there was the fleeting notion I wanted to transact, but she sure as helped the sale.

A confident man knows what he wants.

He wants this. Vera would peer down on me. Snapping her fingers and resuming time.

The alpha always came to her defense, hungry for what she represented. He wanted her, he wanted to be drunk on the power of Vera. While I flirted with everyone I found Vera particularly delightful.

"You're the embodiment of easy money..." the alpha said in my mind as Vera would go through her routine. Every angle of light cast on her skin more amazing than the last.

Blanking out everything around me, Faith Collapsing repeating in the car as I fiddled with the climate controls going from searing heat to the icy cold and back.

I was easy money.

I shuffled the tracks playing Do You Think I'm Sexy by the Revolting Cocks. This group was one of my favorites when I was in a mix of gloom. My mind fast at work serving up any slew of carnal depression and despair I asked for- all too eager to help.

I was in the land of the stupid and why not "we" seem to have an unsettling appetite for the inaccurate I thought to myself attempting to limit the voices in my head. I was in a downward spiral, stuck on Vera's staircase enjoying all of her with little care of the repercussion as if I wanted to be caught, exposed, hurt, tortured.

Again my mind building up a cocktail of endless feeling- a command I gave it months ago. A command that was running amok like a rogue program I was unable to catch up with and correct.

I parked the car in the garage and walked in the house. I sat back in my rocking chair and peered into the black sky before me through the skylights. The moon in view, its hollow soulless state comforting me in a glance.

Back to the routine Parker. Need not more torture.

"I feel we're in the turn, apex achieved.." I said to myself. Recognizing the alpha, that other me in side me, another side effect of Vera unfolding inside me.

You've turned a corner in realization. Fool no more.. the alpha trailed and faded away in my mind.

I was a willing participant in the game.

I too wanted adventure and I got it. Realizing this grounded me.

I climbed into bed snuggling close to Ally, she touched my arm welcoming me home and my personalities dissipated as I eased into my normality.