Character Angst Oneshots

Eijirou Kirishima (My Hero Academia)

It's been a whole year. I thought I was done with this. Why did this have to happen now? Why can't I be that new person I promised myself I'd be? Why can't I just be normal?

I can't stop my thoughts as I draw the blade across my wrist again. And again. And again. I came to this school to be a stronger person. A completely different person. I'm everything but.

After those two weeks in the psych ward and the months of therapy, I vowed I'd never do this again. And yet I'm so close to just ending it. Days. Maybe. The only other time I felt this bad was the day in middle school that I actually tried to kill myself. The only reason it didn't work was because I was fucking standing when the pills started to take effect and my fall was loud enough for my mom to hear.

And I used to be thankful for that.

But now? Now it's just another thing on my long list of failures. My long list of inadequacies. Which is kind of funny if I'm being honest. I mean, trying to kill yourself being a reason you want to kill yourself? Fucking ironic.

The click of the door made me jump. I dropped my blade and stared in terror. I don't have time to hide this. I silently hope that, for some reason, I locked my dorm door today, but my prayers weren't answered when fucking Bakugou walked in my dorm.

Time seemed to stop as soon as he caught sight of it. My arm. I stared at him. He stared at my arm. Neither of us spoke. Neither of us even moved. The only thing moving was the blood dripping down my arm from a fresh cut.

"Bakugou... I-" I start to say. I don't have an excuse for this. I don't have a joke or an explanation, nothing. I don't know what to do. I just want him to leave, to forget. But it's Bakugou, of course he won't leave. He won't forget.

"Do you have like...a first-aid kit or something?" He asks hesitantly. I shake my head. He sort of speed walks out and goes to his dorm. Maybe he's leaving! He'll just forget about this and never bring it up again.

Or not. He almost immediately walks back into my dorm with a small box with a cross on it, presumably a first-aid kit. Silently, he kneels down in front of me and takes my arm. I don't protest, I just awkwardly look away as he tends to my cuts.

The antiseptic stings. I hiss every time he wipes on of my cuts as if I didn't just make them myself without any reaction. He puts some gauze and cotton balls on my deeper cuts before wrapping up my entire arm. I finally gather the courage to look at my arm. To look at him. Honestly? I feel more ashamed than anything.

"Thanks." I say, blankly. He gives me one of his looks. Like he's silently demanding me to explain. Calling me an idiot with his eyes. I tilt and turn my head to the spot next to me on my bed. I reluctantly begin to speak.

"So way back when-..." I cut myself off. No. That's not right. "In middle school, things sucked and-..." I cut myself off again. That's still not right. I stutter out a few other incomplete sentences and eventually go with,

"A year ago, I tried to kill myself."

Very blunt. Even Bakugou looked kind of shocked. I continue, "I used to cut myself. I cut my thighs, 'cuz I knew no one would see them. Honest to God, I have no idea why I went for my arm today, kind of a stupid decision. I digress.

"Everything sucked. My friends were so... passive. I thought they liked me, maybe they did. But they sucked. They looked down on me, made me feel kind of... worthless? They laughed with me, but I wasn't ever really laughing, if that makes sense." I pause and study Bakugou’s expression. He looks angry, but not quite. Maybe worried. You can't tell too often with Bakugou.

"And then this whole thing with a villain happened. I-..." I pause. "I'm not going to get into the details, but everything just got so much worse. I cut myself more often. I cut myself deeper. I stopped talking to my friends for a while, and I just got stupid lonely. One night, I wrote a note, just in case, y'know?"

I look down. "The next day, my friends tried to talk to me. They looked happy, and they were still joking around. They said that they were worried, but it didn't look like it. I didn't feel like it. It was so half-assed that it sounded like a script."

I sigh and look Bakugou directly in the eyes. "That night... I went home. I cut myself so deep that I would later need stitches, stuck the note on my door, and downed an entire bottle of pain meds." Bakugou looked back at me, expression unreadable. Good God, I wish I knew what went on in his head sometimes.

"I got in my bed and just waited for it to happen. I was there for a while before the note fell off my door. I wanted someone to find it eventually, so I made myself get up and go put it back up. But as I was halfway across my room, I got dizzy and fell. I guess when I fell, I made a noise loud enough for my mom to hear and come rushing into my room. Before I passed out, I just saw her face. She looked terrified. I really thought that would be the last thing I ever saw. Well, until I woke up in a hospital."

I tried to joke a little bit with that last sentence. Bakugou didn't really take it as a joke. Whatever. "So I spent three days in the hospital, a couple weeks in the psych ward, which fuckin' sucked by the way, and then I had to go through months of therapy, restrictions from any medications or sharp objects, and pitied looks from my classmates at school. God, it-.. It all felt so condescending."

Not wanting to think about that, I shake my head and continue. "I promised myself I'd never do it again. I'd never ever get that bad. I decided I wanted to start training, y'know, to get here. I became a whole new person. A knew person that's brave. A new person that doesn't cut. And I guess I'm not a new person, because I get these thoughts. I still feel so inferior. I still..."

I look down again. I open my mouth to speak. I close it again. I try once more, "I still want to kill myself, Bakugou." He looks utterly shocked. So utterly, uncharacteristically shocked. I'm slightly amused. It's not often you see Katsuki-fucking-Bakugou at such a loss for words.

"I- You- We should tell Mr. Ai-"
"No."

I give him a death glare. Which is more his fashion than mine, but he is definitely not telling my fucking teacher. I can't do that again. The psych ward. The therapy. The restrictions. The pity from my classmates. I can't do it.

"Woah-woah, wait- Kirishima..!" I barely hear Bakugou. I realize I'm breathing heavily and tearing up. I must've worked myself into a panic attack. "Sh-shit.. Bakugou- I- Sorry.." I stutter out, just trying to breathe regularly. I grasp at my chest as if I could just grab my lungs and wring the panic out or something.

I feel an arm wrap around my shoulders. I feel a hand on my own. "Kirishima, breathe." Bakugou says, oddly calm. This whole experience is odd, actually. I've never seen him so gentle. So caring. I try to breathe, just like he said. But it's hard. The breaths are short and shallow. I must have subconsciously started scratching my arm because Bakugou said, "No- Kirishima, don't do that." While pulling my hand away and holding it tight.

I intertwine my fingers with his. It's grounding. I try to focus on what his hand feels like. It's sweaty, a little calloused, and very warm. I hold it tight as I start to feel my breathing even out.

A few minutes pass while my breathing slows gradually. I remember the whole reason this even happened. "D-Don't tell Mr. Aizawa. Please." I plead. He just looks at me with worry.

"Bakugou I- I can't do it again, dude.." I say, trying to convince him. He doesn't budge. "Kirishima, you can't just avoid this. It's gonna come back and bite you in the ass. Whatever happened back then doesn't. Fucking. Matter." He squeezes my hand. "You're tougher than you were a year ago. You, of all people, should fucking know this."

I look at him, a little hopeful. Maybe it will get better if I tell Mr. Aizawa. I don't want to right now. "Can we wait? At least until tomorrow?" I ask. He nods. We spend the night in my dorm playing video games, eating snacks, and just genuinely having fun.

Tomorrow is something that the me tomorrow can worry about.

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Hi gang! Lowkey, I fucking hate this. The layout is weird. The backstory at the start was so sudden, I think I lost Bakugou’s character, and the end feels so awkward.😓😓 This is just practice, but i hope you enjoyed it nonetheless. Okay bye chat (btw 1560 words)