MC Devil Dogs #3 Why Am I Not Loveable?

Am I loveable?

Cherise

     I am stunned by Razor's words.  I have always wanted to be loved but I have always been told I am unloveable.  I look at Razor and tell him "You know I have been with all kinds of men in everyway possible.  I am used goods and you will not be able to take me around your fancy family.  No mother would want someone like me for their son Razor."  I place my hand on my heart as I tell him "If I was a different person I would love to go on dates with you because I feel something in here for you."  I take a minute then go on to finish my point. "I know who I am Razor and if I ever get the chance to get out of this life I know no one will ever want me.  I am not wife material" I say.  I have never been loved my entire life.  The two people who should have loved me most hated me more.  I look into his eyes and I say "I am no good Razor."  I know I am not so I get up and walk away. 

     I feel hands pulling my hips back.  Razor pulls me into his lap.  He hugged me tight.  He said "First I only have my sister Vee as family, well Blade too.  Anyway Vee likes you and already knows how I feel.  She encouraged me to tell you my truth.  I know who you are and what you survived.  I don't give shit about any of that.  I want you Cherise all of you.  The good, the bad and the ugly.  I am willing to show you for as long as it takes."  I want to believe him and I want to be loved.  Okay Cherise get your shit together and take a chance.  You have been through enough in life and you can do this.  This is all you ever wanted.  I want to feel special and loved.  I want to have one man to call my own.  I want to eventually have kids one day too.  What do I do if I am not loveable after all though?

Razor

     I am trying to get to my point across but I am failing miserably.  Maybe I suck at this.  I say the last part "I am willing to show you for as long as it takes."  She says nothing, she just stands there.  This is bullshit man, okay I gave it my best shot.  I have got to get out of this room right now.  I get up to walk out.  I got to give her some time to figure out what she wants.  I turn to look at her before walking out and say "I am going to give you some time Cherish.  I will be waiting whenever you are ready."  She takes a step closer to me then stands on her tip toes to kiss my lips.  I return the kiss.  She pulls back and smiles at me before saying "I will give it a try Razor."  Holy shit!  We are going to give this a chance.  I am on cloud nine right now.  I go in for another kiss when my phone goes off.  I check to see it's Prez.  I read the text then inform Cherise that he wants us in his office.  We walk down together holding hands.  I see that Blade and Veronica are here too.  I see my sister look at us holding hands and she smiles big.  She walks toward us but instead of hugging me she hugs Cherise.  I could tell Cherise was nervous but Vee reassured her. Vee told us both "I would love a new sister!"  I laugh and tell her "Suddle much Vee."  We all laughed at her. 

     Prez calls a meeting with us.  He tells us that Jackie has been discharged from the hospital but she has been banned from the club and he had told other clubs within a hundred miles of us.  He told us that he felt she had suffered enough by what Butcher had done to her.  Then he looked at Cherise and said "Pistol over there also had a go at her." I can't help but laugh at that.  He asked Cherise if she made up her mind about her parents.  She nods her head yes.  She then tells us "I would like to speak to them first and then I would like for you guys to show them the same kind of love they showed me over the years.  Then Prez I would appreciate it if you could personally welcome them to the club."  We all knew what that meant.  I see Prez nod in understanding.  He looks at us and says "Men make sure you guys show them how special we treat our guest here.  As soon as Cherise is done I expect each of you to earn your keep."  I look at him and say "I will make sure I welcome them."

Cherise

     I head down to the cell with Prez, Blade and Razor while the others waited upstairs while I spoke to my parents.  I am so nervous because my parents have always scared me.  I hold my head high and I am determined to get through this.  I am tired of being the scared little girl.  We get to the cell and I can feel that I am breathing faster.  I then hear Veronica "You got this Cherise, they did not break you."  I have no idea when she came down.  She goes on to say "You have a family standing right here with you no matter if you and my brother are together or not. Do you hear me?"  She walks over to me and holds my hand.  I answer "Yes."  I looked at the two people who destroyed my life and said my peace. 

     "Just so you both know you will die today.  I will not shed a tear.  You may have broken the little girl inside of me but you did not break the woman I have become.  I hate that you took my virginity before I even had a chance to know what that even meant.  I hate you for raping me, beating me and selling me to only be beaten and raped again.  Some of my family will be paying you both a visit soon to make you feel welcomed.  I hope they show you the same love you have always shown me.  Mother if I ever get to be a mother I will never sit there and watch my child be raped no matter what.  I will never love a man enough to allow what you allowed men to do to me.  You are a pathetic excuse for a woman and a mother.  You got to choose who your first time would be with, first kiss and everything but my father took all my first.  All of that was stolen from me.  I hope you both enjoy your visit with the boys this afternoon."  Both go to speak but I stop them.  "No you do not get to say a word to me, not one damn word.  You worthless pieces of shit.  Enjoy hell when you get there tonight."  I walk upstairs and passed by several of the boys.  As I walked by Tank he hugged me and said "I am going to make sure mommy and daddy have a really good time, no worries sweetie."  I feel more free than I ever had before in my life. 

6 months later

Razor

     I have been taking Cherise out for several months now.  We haven't had sex yet.  I want to make sure she knows that I want her for her.  Tonight we have a special date.  It is our 6 months anniversary.  So I have talked to Vee and she helped me plan a great date.  I make my way to Cherise's place.  Oh yeah she moved into a little apartment and got a job at the bar that Ruby worked at.  She actually took her spot since Ruby left after having a kid with Prez.  I make my way to her apartment door and knock.  I am dressed in black slacks and white button up.  I have yellow roses to give my girl.  She opens the door and she is beautiful.  She is standing there wearing a beautiful green dress, black pumps and she looks fucking delicious.  "You ready baby?" I ask as I hand her the roses.

Cherise

     I am so nervous.  I plan on talking to Jace tonight about something important to me.  I am not sure how he will take it.  I hear a knock on my door and I know it's that beautiful man on the other side.  I open the door to see the man not the biker standing there.  I love both don't get me wrong.  He hands me some yellow roses my favorite.  I give him a hug and a kiss.  "I am ready Jace" I answer.  Ready for so much more than what we have done so far.  I am ready to offer all of me if he is willing to have me.  We get into his truck and he takes me to a fancy italian restuarant.  We are shown to a private area.  I see the table has candles on it and rose petals.  I smile big at Jace.  We sit down and they begin serving food he had already ordered for us.  It was nice and made me feel special.  I never thought the day would come that I would be on a date at a fancy restaurant.  After eating as we walked out Jace asked me if he could take me somewhere else.  I agreed.  I still needed to talk to him about something important to me. 

     He takes me to a field of wild flowers.  It was breath taking.  He had a blanket he laid out for us to sit on and a violin playing off to the side.  A small dance floor was also made with some planks.  Damn I love this man.  As we sit down he offers me wine with chocolate covered strawberries.  He then handed me a present.  I opened it to find a beautiful necklace with a small diamond heart.  He then said "Happy Anniversary Cherise, I want you to know how happy you have made me over the last six months. I love you Cherise."  I see him get up pull me to him as the music starts.  He walks me to the little dance floor and we slow dance.  We danced under the stars.  Then he dropped to his knee and pulled out a ring with an emerald stone.  He looked up to me and ask "Baby will you marry me and let me continue to love you for the rest of my life?"  I gasp and place my hand over my mouth. I stand there saying nothing.