Ophelia Mikaelson (Poly Mikaelsons)

Chapter 29 - Postpartum Anxiety

Hope screams at the top of her lungs and I close my eyes, swallowing hard. What do I do? How do I comfort her and give her what she needs when I don't even understand? I must be the worst mother alive... or dead.

Her shrieks are never ending and so, so, so loud. I never knew a baby could cry like this. My ears are ringing and ringing. It's... awful.

I sing to her, I rub her back and rest her gently on me but nothing helps. Nothing.

I grit my teeth and try to pull myself together. For the millionth time...

"Let me hold her Ophelia, you've been up all night. You need a break," Elijah's hand on my shoulder makes me jump and more concern crosses his features when he notices I didn't even realise he was there. So is Kol.

"Is it the morning already?" I ask wearily, rubbing my red eyes.

"It is, let me help you," he tries again but I chew the inside of my lip, my anxiety rising. I don't want to put her down. I can't.

Elijah senses my hesitation and he exchanges a look with Kol, both of them silently agreeing on something for once. Kol sits down opposite me, holding out his hands to accept Hope. To help me.

But...

"Kol I've got her, it's okay," I find myself making excuses, panic rising within me at the thought of not being there for her when she needs me. I sway her side to side and she settles more, relief flooding through me at the peace and quiet.

"Fia... you're struggling. We're all very worried about you," he says ever so gently. "You haven't put her down since yesterday afternoon and that was only because Rebekah forced you to take a nap."

Tears spring to my eyes and they feel hot and irritated. He's not wrong but I don't want to accept it, I can't.

"Kol, I'm fine I just don't want to put her down in case..."

"In case what?" Elijah questions me.

"What if something happens? What if she stops breathing? What if... she needs me?"

My words come out in a rush, panicked and fast. Just thinking about not being there for her makes me so anxious I can't put her down. I can't cope when I do.

"Fia, Hope has so many of us to watch over her. She is far more protected than the average baby-"

"-but she's NOT!" I interrupt hotly. "She's not the average baby, she's MY baby."

"Ours..." he touches my hand lightly. "She's all of ours. We all want the best for her just like you do."

"I know," I sigh calming down slightly now. "I know you do. But I carried her for 9 months... it's.. different."

My husbands don't really have an answer to that given that they can't fully understand my experience. Neither can Bekah.

"Let me hold her while you rest for a while, you will find it much easier when you've had some sleep," Elijah suggests calmly, stroking Hope's tiny head that's buried into my neck.

I shake my head frantically and clutch her tighter, just the thought of abandoning her making me so uneasy.

"No," I point blank refuse. "I'm looking after her, I'm keeping her safe. I'm protecting her and loving her. If I put her down..."

"She will be perfectly alright," Kol whispers lovingly, so patient with me. "We will make her a bottle and keep her happy while you have a nap."

I'm still not convinced, the tiredness and anxiety overriding any reasonable thought processes.

"It's more dangerous if you hold her while tired," Klaus swans in having been listening from the kitchen and attempting a new approach. "If you fall asleep she can suffocate on you. Plus you can look after her better when you're well rested. Take a few hours, for Hope's sake."

I close my eyes and images of Hope's floppy lifeless body swirl tauntingly in my mind. Klaus has instantly got under my skin and he knows it. He knows what I'm most afraid of.

"It's irresponsible to ignore me," he continues and my heart rate quickens in response. "You'd never forgive yourself if something happened, that's why you won't put her down. But holding her when you're this tired is even more dangerous love. Trust us, it's only a few hours."

Hope fusses and gurgles in my arms and I look down at her gorgeous little face with her tiny button nose and perfect brown eyes.

"I..." I'm not able to answer my husband, knowing he has me in a knot. He knows it too because he falls silent and lets me stew on his words. He knows they'll have the impact he wants.

I zone out, the room turning foggy around me when Hope starts to cry again. I hardly hear her now. I stare at the floor, blinking slowly and finding it hard to even think through the fog enveloping my brain.

Carefully, Kol's hands snake around my own and he craftfully pulls Hope from my loosened grip. I instantly feel cold and numb without her. Before I can dwell on it too much, Elijah's warm arms come around me, comforting me. I didn't know how much I needed his comfort.

"You can't neglect yourself," he murmurs in my ear as Kol sneaks off with Hope, taking her away from me to give her a bottle.

"I know, I don't mean to but I can't stand the thought of something happening to her when I'm not there," I sob into his shirt, enjoying the feeling of being in his arms almost as much as holding my baby.

"Nothing is going to happen wife, there are four other people who love and care for her just as much as you do. Let us help you, help her."

He sways me side to side and my eyes close. I lean on him, my tired body so exhausted but I'm only just letting myself feel it. I hear Hope cry loudly again and I wince, tensing up and attempting to free myself from Elijah.

I have to get to her... I have to.

But he holds strong, telling me over and over that Klaus and Kol have got it. That they're keeping her safe. It's almost unbearable to not run to my distressed baby but after a few minutes she stops crying and I relax more.

Elijah's low voice and soft swaying motions from one side to the other, is so similar to how I calm Hope. He lulls me to sleep in his arms and I don't even notice myself slipping away. I fall into a deep sleep, the true rest I need as he carries me to his bed and tucks us in together, knowing I'll likely need reassurance when I wake.

And when I do... the overwhelming anxiety bubbles up inside me again.

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Thank you for your patience life's been so busy for me recently!
I hope you'd liked this, what did you think? ♥️