It's not the first time it happens. Any change is really hard for me to overcome. That includes, the end of something brutally awesome. Violently incredible, out of my comfort zone and different from "what i thought was happiness" (which is actual happiness, as intense, just a different one. Sometimes time passing, the usual routine being so far away can make me forget, just a lil bit, how great the things i had already are.) Maybe this new skin of plenitude is just thicker, denser.
The one i experience on a daily basis, is in tiny shots. I love them; they consist on lazy loving days with my partner, random-guy-and-dance walk with my best friends late at night, buying plants and skating, reading a good book, having a satisfying meal or just be happy about going to class, laughing in the cafeteria and talking to teachers. Playing music, writing, writing music.
Those moments are somehow drowning around my anxiety, at least in my memory.
That's how we get to : i have positive trauma. Haunted by thoughts saying "daaamn, that was so good, when are you going to be that happy again?", when i know very well, i will be as much if not more happy than the moments i'm referring to. It feels like a burden, these memories, they don't feel as they should. They don't feel comforting, like when grandpas are telling stories about their youth to their grandchildren in movies, and they smile in a nostalgic but calm way. They feel chaotic and sad already, like they're gonna slip away and leave me forever. But, it will never really leave. Even if i'm amnesiac, even if i have Azeihmer's, i will be the person those memories made me become. These ones, and all the other ones too.
I carry my personal mental pictures and feelings. Forever.
YOU ARE READING
in my 18yr old mind
Духовныеa key to my soul hi there !! I basically like to write small pieces of text in english as I live my chaotic and teenage life. Read it, don't, I couldn't care less 🫶🏻
