Anything - Carl Grimes

xl. Carmen's dignity

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message: the part where the following triggers are talked about will be in this font and I will put *** before and after it is over. So make sure you skip if it triggers you easily. I won't go into detail about what is happening but I will write how the character who is experiencing it feels.

trigger warning: se*ual a*sult, r*pe

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Is it bad that Carmen lost all hope in finding the group? No. After everything she has been through and all the times she fought until she couldn't, she lost her strength. The constant pain of her thoughts and mind isn't there anymore. She learned just to let go because she never had anything good, and she will never have anything good, in her opinion. If someone asks her if she's afraid of dying, she knows deep down she is only scared of dying painfully. But if she had an option to let go peacefully, she'd choose that option. Carmen would never admit it, though.

When she was back at the prison, spending days to days, hours to hours, minutes to minutes in her little cell, reading books, or sleeping the whole day, it was like a welcome sign for loneliness. And that loneliness made Carmen feel calm in an unhealthy way. She learned that the best way to cope is to forget. To close off. To dissociate from the rest of the world.
In the past few days (three or four days) that she has been alone with Boris, Ian, and Carly, she started doing it a lot more. She'd zone out and ignore them. She didn't do it on purpose, though. She only did it when listening got too hard. Too overwhelming. Carmen needs that unhealthy peace she made with loneliness.

Currently, the group was walking down the train tracks. Carly, Ian, and Boris were walking somewhat far behind Carmen. Boris and Ian were talking about the games they used to play before the outbreak, and Carly was just listening.

Carmen was in no mood to listen or talk to them, so she walked further in front of them. Peanut was walking by her side, the two leading the way. Carmen was playing with the lighter she found back in the store. She'd pick up small leaves and set them on fire for pure fun and to watch as they disappear into the air, their ashes blown by the wind.

She wasn't completely conscious. She was there, but she wasn't thinking. Carmen yet again separated her mind from the world and just enjoyed silence, filled with muffled and distanced voices coming from Ian and Boris. Carmen subconsciously lifted her hand in front of her and slowly put the lighter underneath her hand. She turned it on, keeping the distance from her hand and the lighter far enough so there was only an inch between the flame and her palm. Until she brought it closer. And closer. The flame started marking her hand, making it red.

She snapped out of it once Peanut jumped on her thighs, making her flinch and drop the lighter. Carmen bent down to pick up the lighter and once she looked back straight ahead of her, there was a small, metal, closet-like, cabin. It was probably a closet that had to do something with the tracks but it wasn't what Carmen was looking at. She was looking at the writing.

GLENN GO TO TERMINUS - MAGGIE

"Maggie!" Carmen's lips turned into a grin as she yelled. Boris' attention immediately peaked when he heard her yell. "Boris! Boris! It's Maggie!"

Boris immediately ran to her, followed by Carly and Ian who jogged behind him. Boris stopped and looked at the writing. "The fuck's Terminus?" He grinned as he went to the small map attached to the cabin.

"Who's Maggie?" Caryl asked.

"My aunt," Carmen answered and walked over to the map Boris was looking at.