Anything - Carl Grimes

xxxvi. Mr. Brightside

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The apocalypse made it almost impossible to feel alive. Most people don't have a minute to sit down, breathe in and out, and feel alive just for a little. Everyone survives daily and their days are filled with having to endure today's world. People are forced to run from one place to another, trying to find shelter and maybe even a home. But it's impossible for the most. The post-apocalyptic world was squeezing all color and happiness from the world as if they were lemons and the juice was that color and happiness.

Home. It was a simple word but it had such a bigger meaning. Carmen visually remembers the day after the farm fell and Rick said that there was a place to live in. To belong to. Maybe for a while, Carmen forced herself into delusion to believe there was a place she belonged to. But as the prison burned to nothing but an old building with ghosts of happiness running through the cells, all that hope was milked out of her.

But after the long day, Carmen and Boris found a small village with no walkers in sight and they finally got to sit down, breathe in and out, and feel something. The sun has almost completely set, making the sky above them a dark shade of blue and the sky in the distance pink and purple. The air was chilly and the breeze got colder, which wasn't a bad thing considering how hot it was the whole day. They sat on the bonnet of the car, filling themselves with candy and juices they found in the store next to them. Neither said anything and stared at the sky, the stars, and the moon shining down on them. Carmen noticed Boris had pulled a Walkman out of his cargo pants earlier. She wasn't surprised, more curious about what else he had in those big pockets. She was sure she could fit her whole will to live in them. However, she wasn't sure if that was because his will to live was small or if those pockets were too big. Or both?

The thoughts in her head were constantly going, but they were unusually peaceful. Her thoughts were calmly overanalyzing themselves and every emotion she felt. Usually when his thoughts ran, she either felt anxious, or worried, or angry. But now? She felt... Well, she just felt like she was there. She felt too calm to feel another emotion but she also felt too self-aware to be peaceful. Carmen knows she should feel sad and scared. She knows she should grieve and mourn all the people she lost but she doesn't. She'd like to say she feels guilty for not feeling those emotions but the calmness she felt at the moment? She never felt it before. Carmen is pretty sure that calmness is probably an unhealthy response to trauma but again, she does not care. She can't bring herself to care when she feels so calm.

She ate another gummy worm and held a Pepsi can in one of her hands, leaned forward a little, and took something from her back pocket with her other hand. She shifted on her butt so she was sitting with her legs criss-crossed and put her hand on her lap, staring at the last picture she had of Josh and her. Yes, the same picture she picked up from the farm. She always held it in her pocket, along with the letter he left her, in case of an emergency like this where she had no time to pack.

The picture had white scratches over it and the color, along with the photo itself, was slowly fading. The whole point of her taking the picture was in curiosity if she'd feel something or if she was just stuck in this shameless feeling of peace and calmness. But now she regrets doing it. The fading of the picture reminded her of everything she lost and the disability to remember Josh's voice. The feeling was like someone stabbing her and circling and spinning the knife through her guts.

"Who's that fine babe?" And now, the feeling of sorrow and pain was replaced with annoyance when Boris scooted closer to her, looking at the picture in her hand and almost completely pressing himself against her so his chin was now seated on Carmen's shoulder. She wondered what was with Boris and Dorothy simping on her parents. She nudged him away and took a sip of her Pepsi before answering.