Anything - Carl Grimes

xlii. Help came

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“This was your fault,” Josh told Dottie lightheartedly, as she bounced Carmen on her lap. They went on vacation and decided to go around the town they were in to see the important and famous stuff there. They figured they could go and visit one of the most famous churches in that town, but it wasn’t the best idea when carrying a baby of eleven months that is like Carmen.

“My fault? Since when do I swear?” Dottie huffed and rolled her eyes. “Pretty sure Carmen picked up on the word ‘bullshit’ from you because you say it all the time.”

“No, I mean, this is yer fault for bringing a baby into a church.” Josh shrugged.

“That’s a normal thing!”

“A baby like Carmen? ‘It’s normal’ bullshit. ‘Course she’s gonna say bullshit in a church when she doesn’t know what’s good or bad,” Josh huffed.

Dottie stared at him for a moment before adding. “Maybe she doesn’t know it’s bad when yer saying it all the fuckin’ time.”

...

The group is back, and Carmen doesn't know if she likes it that way. Yes, at first she was glad to have her family back, but what changed is that she is scared to love them again. She knows they won't be around forever. Hell, Carmen knows she won't be around forever. She knows, at one point, in a closer or further future, every one of them will leave her or die. That wasn't just a feeling or a thought or a fear. It was a fact she made up.

What also changed is that she knows that after what happened at Terminus, she will never be the same. She will never get to go back after experiencing what she did. Gareth took that last bit of innocence she had and tore it apart in just a few seconds. And she wanted him dead. Even if the entire group wanted to stop Rick from going back and killing Gareth, she'd stay by his side and volunteer to be the one to end the life of the man who ruined her. No matter what. Not only because he did it to her, but because he most likely did it to many before her, and will keep doing it to many after her.

Carmen still feels him. She feels his hand covering her mouth so she wouldn't make any noise, she feels him touching her. She felt him rubbing himself off of her after he was done as if she was nothing but an object for him to use.

The group decided to take a break after they found some food. They stopped somewhere in the middle of the forest to eat. Carmen sat somewhere further away from them. She wasn't eating. She was too nauseous to even look at the food without throwing up. She sat by the tree, knees to her chest, as she played with a small lighter she found. The lighter was about to run out of gasoline, so it only produced a small flame of fire. She ran the flame under her palm, creating a burning feeling against her hand.

She put the lighter away in her pocket once she noticed Daryl approaching her with something in his hand. He sat down by her side, leaning back against the same tree. He held out a small piece of paper with some meat on it and waited for her to take it. She shook her head and looked down.

Daryl rolled his eyes, nudged her arm with his elbow, and held the paper in front of her now. She rolled her eyes and passive-aggressively took some meat off the paper. He gave her the look of aggressiveness, but she simply ignored it and nibbled on the meat.

...

Okay, maybe it's a lot harder to keep surviving when you need to throw up every forty-five minutes. The sun was causing Carmen to feel a lot worse than when she just had a concussion. At least her vision was a bit better now, but every time the sun got too strong, her vision would blur every so often. She made sure she was walking behind everyone so it wouldn't be as noticeable that she kept throwing up or stumbling as she walked. Her energy was also completely out and she got tired very easily. It slowed her down, that she had to take a thirty-second break every fifteen minutes because she was out of breath. Is this what dyin' feels like? She wondered. Of course, she knows she's not dying but she also felt like dying seems so easy at the moment. And she hated puking. She wanted to cry every time she did because it was an awful feeling. But she obviously kept her composure and didn't cry because she's Carmen.