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Chapter 34:ugly thoughts
TW: panic attacks and mention of self harm.
COOLER
It's 3 AM.
Tahimik ang buong paligid. I stopped the car in front of my girlfriend's apartment, ngunit hindi pa man ako nakababa ay bigla akong natigilan.
Oh no, not now.
Please.
I tried to shake off the wave of panic creeping up from my chest, bringing discomfort throughout my body. Naramdaman ko ang panginginig ng mga kamay ko, causing my key fob to fall onto the car's floor. I tried to pick it up, but the uneasiness in every nerve of my body made it harder to move.
"Motherfu—" I gripped my chest tightly before mustering all the strength I had left. Binuksan ko ang pinto ng sasakyan at bumaba. My head was pounding, my chest was tightening, and my throat was dry.
Hindi ko alam kung paano ko pa nagawang makapasok sa gate, hanggang sa pinto, and until I found myself inside her room.
Rustia was lying on her side, sleeping soundly. Great. At least she won't see me in my miserable state. I walked towards the bathroom, shutting the door as slowly as I could. Ilang beses ko nang hinampas ang dibdib ko, looking for something to distract me from the wave of emotions flooding in, but to no avail.
I gripped the bathroom sink tightly, hanggang sa mapatingin ako sa salamin. My eyes were red, my veins were popping, at ramdam ko ang panunubig ng mata ko. Shit, why do I have to have this here? What if Rustia walks through the door and sees me like this? I closed my eyes and clenched my teeth, but it didn't help. The air was suffocating, kaya tinanggal ko ang ilang butones ng damit, but it didn't make me feel any better.
I tried to suck in air, but every time I did, mas lalo lamang sumisikip ang dibdib ko. I tried turning on the faucet to splash water all over my face, ngunit hindi pa rin iyon nakatulong. Now, I wanted nothing more than to drown myself in the pooling water by the sink.
My vision was blurry as I slowly looked up. Napatingin ako sa repleksiyon ko sa salamin and saw the pathetic me that I hate so much. Kahit basa ang mukha ko, ramdam ko pa rin ang pawis na nag-uunahan sa pag-agos.
"Stu...pid..." I whispered to myself as I felt my stomach churn. I hate moments like this. These are the moments I want to die, the moments I wish I wasn't born as Cooler Vander—or that I wasn't born at all.
My throat was dry, my mind was in chaos, and everything around me was suffocating. I gripped the edges of the sink tightly, and the sound of running water made me want to slam my head into something hard.
My eyes met the mirror once again.
"Fuc..king useless..." Sinubukan kong ipikit ang mga mata, pero mas lalo lamang naging klaro sa isipan ko ang mga bagay. I am Cooler, the mediocre son.
