Chasm.| Seo Changbin

Twenty-Six.

Stella felt the mattress sink behind her and go up again. She wasn't asleep yet. She just pretended to be. She couldn't fall asleep for three days now, even with Felix staying by her side and cuddling her all night. She knew she was a pain, so she pretended to be asleep for him to be assured and to retreat to his room and have some rest. She wasn't going to sleep anyway.

Once she heard the soft click of the door, Stella opened her eyes and turned on her back to look at the ceiling. She's been doing that since she came back to her house and Changbin left. He stayed with her only one night till Felix arrived and then, he left. He left her without looking back. He left and she didn't stop crying since then and Felix couldn't do anything to comfort her. He knew nothing was stopping her flood of tears except Changbin. But Changbin was nowhere to be found. He disappeared, turned off his phone, and didn't even go to his hometown as he told her. Chan told Stella that he contacted Changbin's parents but they told him he wasn't there and probably, had gone camping in some mountain.

Although Stella's whole house was renovated, cleaned, and secured, Stella didn't feel like she could love her house again. She started to feel scared to be in a wide space like that. She wanted to go back to the safety of Changbin's small house where she could see the whole house from where she sat on the sofa or even from the bedroom. There was no place for anyone to hide.

Stella huffed and pushed the covers away. She sat up and pulled out her phone. Of course, it was a useless try but she decided to do it anyway. She would try and call him, maybe, just maybe, maybe he would pick up. She dialed the number and placed the phone to her ear, hoping it would ring, but then her hopes crashed when she found herself directed to the voicemail. He still was not there.

Stella stood up and walked to the door. She stepped out of her room and reached for the railings, looking down on the empty dark wide house of hers that seemed to be very lonely. She was lonely and she never noticed that before. She's been thinking lately of how everything and everyone around her was fake and temporary. She would've never known that if it weren't for Changbin who opened her eyes to the people around her.

She lately realized that her fans and admirers were also temporary. It was pretty obvious from their reactions to her photos with Changbin and how many of them turned their backs on her. Stella realized that she wouldn't be able to keep up with the standards of that industry. One day, she wouldn't be able to entertain all of those people and that's when she would stop shining. She would stop being loved and admired. And she would turn into nothing but an old forgotten lonely woman in that wide empty dark house.

Stella's mind was cloudy as she went down the stairs, headed to the console to grab her car keys, and then went to the garage. She was suffocating and wanted a breather. She got into her car and drove away from her house, roamed the streets mindlessly and silently. She didn't even play music or anything as she had a war inside of her heart and mind that was louder than any music she could ever listen to.

Before Stella could ever realize it, she found herself in front of Changbin's apartment building. She scoffed as she parked the car and exited it. It seemed like her heart took her to where she wanted to be. There was a very slim chance that he might be up there, but still, she wanted to give it a try. Stella went up and stood in front of the door. She pressed the doorbell over and over but no one opened it, so she decided to just get in for a moment.

Stella looked at the lock and chuckled to herself. Who the hell makes their passcode from nine to one backward? And someone who works in the security industry at that? She remembered how she laughed out loud and teased Changbin for days when he told her the passcode of his front door. Pressing the code in, she pushed the door open and walked into his house.

At least, he didn't change it.

She breathed in loudly, feeling at home. She felt safe and secure even if he wasn't there, but being surrounded by his belongings gave her a sense of familiarity. This place was warm just like him. Looking around, Stella found the house exactly the same since they both left it together. He didn't come back even once. She sat on the sofa and the suffocating feeling started to seep into her heart again. Something was choking her. Something made her want to cry out and sob. Something made her want to throw a tantrum.

Her feelings for him did.

Those feelings were growing wilder. Those feelings that she kept buried deep cause she didn't want to lose him. Those feelings made her not to hold on to him when he said he would leave. And he left. So, why not let them out?

Stella scoffed between her sobs and pulled her phone out of her pajama shorts pocket. She dialed Changbin's number again but didn't huff when she was directed to the voicemail. She drew a long breath once she heard the irritating beep before the message recording started.

"This is so stupid! This is so freaking stupid and I know I might regret this in the morning. No. I will regret it. But now I want to let it all out." She inhaled.

"I was terrified. I was scared that I would be no different from the teenager who fell for you while you were protecting her. I was terrified that just like her, I misinterpreted the protection that is part of your job, and your brotherly care, for something romantic. I was afraid that if I ever told you, you would leave my side just like you did with her, cause I know how professional and strict you are when it comes to your work. I was afraid so I hid my feelings and tried to deal with them on my own so you would stay with me as long as we might. But now you are leaving, so what's the use of hiding them?

I love you. I fucking love you, Seo Changbin.

I love you and I've never felt that safe and secure in my life like how I feel with you. Not only physically, but my heart never felt that safe before. It doesn't matter if people can make me physically safe if they can't protect my heart. And you protected both.

I'm now pretty sure. I wasn't confused or having mixed feelings. I love you.

I have no idea if you will ever hear this, but I needed you to know that it wasn't a passing crush or a confused feelings thing. You weren't loved because you are good at your job, and you really are. You were loved for who you are. I love you, Seo Changbin."

Stella ended the voicemail and broke down crying. She curled up on the sofa and hugged herself. Now that she let it all out, she felt like she could finally breathe. But at the same time, she felt even more broken because letting it out meant she admitted falling for him. She just admitted that her first love ever was a one-sided feeling towards her personal guard, who would never love her back.

She thought.