Hold Me Tight, For I Am Unlovely

Chapter 21 : Bleeding On Papers

Chapter 21 : "If I fall inlove with my problems would they finally leave me too?"

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I gazed at the piles of paper I had diligently filled with words, equations, facts—everything I knew and could recall—realizing with a start that I hadn’t even taken a moment to rest. The exhaustion that had been kept at bay by sheer adrenaline now began to creep in.

It also dawned on me that I hadn’t eaten anything since yesterday. The urgency that had driven me to write nonstop suddenly gave way to a gnawing emptiness, both in my mind and my stomach, as I finally became aware of just how much self awareness had left my mind.

My arms felt like noodles, devoid of any strength, while my numb buttocks left me unable to discern the seat beneath me. It was as though every cell in my body had unanimously agreed that it was time to shut down the instant I allowed myself to relax, even if only for a brief moment, right after finishing writing everything down.

I’ve always prided myself on having a sharp memory, but lately, I’ve noticed a remarkable enhancement in my mental acuity. I’m not sure if this is a result of the unique synergy with my current body—originally Leticia's—or if there’s another, more mysterious factor at play. What is undeniable, however, is that I’ve never experienced such a heightened sense of mental clarity and sharpness in all my years of living.

I'm pretty sure it's the Medicci's genes, but I want to say otherwise. Mentally, it feels unfair.

Prior to my role as a secretary in a large company, I pursued the strand STEM, aspiring to become an engineer. I was adept, proficient, obsessed with mathematics— well, turns out life was a bitch and gave me a tight slap on the face.

The notion goes that if you run, your dreams will pursue you. Yet, in my case, I was the one relentlessly chasing my dreams and found myself utterly miserable in the end.

"Mental note!" I talked aloud  while stretching, I could hear the pops of my joints, and the creaking of my neck as I did so. "Don't pull an all nighter with an empty stomach." I winced hearing my stomach growling, I know that science tells us our stomach cannot eat itself when it's hungry, but it certainly felt as if my belly was collapsing on itself.

Surveying the chaos before me, I couldn't help but notice the mess I had created. It dawned on me that the butlers were likely perplexed by my request for copious amounts of paper the previous night.

"I need to go back to our Pandemonium, I need more books." I muttered underneath my breath, as I tried to arrange the mess I made.

Last night, as the realization dawned on me that math, English, coding, and chemistry were not just subjects but the actual, literal languages of magic, a wave of panic began to rise within me.

The idea that these disciplines held the keys to manipulating reality itself was both exhilarating and terrifying.

Excited? Maybe. Scared and confused? Most definitely.

Suddenly realizing that I possessed this immense power in my hands, all because of some plot hole created by Inkjabber, was an overwhelming rush—an exhilarating power trip that left me both thrilled and terrified. The sheer magnitude of what I could now do, the endless possibilities for my future that were suddenly within my control, was almost too much to comprehend.

Knowing that every choice I made from this point on would shape not only my destiny but potentially the fate of everything around me.

The story was swerving, it was swerving.

So, what did I do to try and reign in that overwhelming panic? Naturally, I wrote down everything I knew about it, pouring my thoughts onto paper in a frantic attempt to make sense of it all.

Looking back, it’s almost laughable—an instinctive reaction that now seems oddly familiar. It reminded me of those late-night college days when I would cram an entire textbook into my head just hours before an exam, desperately trying to memorize every detail. The situation was different, but the feeling was definitely the same.

"Ugh," My hands stumbled upon the sheet of paper where I had carefully written out the entire English alphabet—a precaution I had taken, just in case I suddenly forgot the letters, which in hindsight seems absurd. But in that moment of anxiety, it felt necessary.

You can probably imagine the level of panic I must have been experiencing, the desperation evident in the fact that I felt compelled to write down something so fundamental, as if my mind might suddenly betray me and erase the basics I’ve known for years.

Was it necessary? Hmm, my panic driven mind would've fought you if you dared to disagree.

"Now, then...." Finally arranging the papers into neat alphabetical— errrrr, equational??? stacks, I surveyed my room. "Where the hell can I hide these—" I found myself stumped at the situation that I found myself into.

Carefully gathering all the materials within reach, I gingerly balanced them in my arms, hoping none would slip as I made my way towards the bed. Bending down, I lifted the heavy silk duvet, revealing the spacious area beneath my bed. The expanse was so generous that it struck me I could probably conceal an entire dead body under there.

Not that I was planning on that of course, I just found it fascinating.

I carefully laid all the papers, along with the notebook, underneath my bed, ensuring they were neatly stacked and hidden from view. I made several trips back and forth from my desk to my bed, methodically gathering each item, checking twice to make sure I hadn't forgotten anything.

Finally, with everything tucked away, going as far as to arrange the quilt and duvet, I gave one last glance around the room to confirm everything was in its place.

Knock, knock, Knock.

Like I was caught doing something bad, my back tensed as I looked at the direction of where the knocks were. My face burned in embarrassment after realising that it was probably a butler checking in.

"Young miss! You have to eat breakfast, you simply cannot keep on declining the food that we are sending." The anxious call of the head butler could be heard from behind the door of my room.

"Alright, alright." I couldn't help but reply, the words coming out of my mouth sounded exasperated. From the corner of my eye, I turned to look at the mirror.

Even after pulling an all nighter with eyebags underneath my eyes, I still looked beautiful that it was almost irksome.

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[AUTHORS NOTE: hiiii I don't know which one of you voted so fast but I hope you know I've never panicked that hard before because I forgot to write a chapter 🙂🙂

Anyways, I'll update when Chap 8-9 has reached at least five stars ⭐ adioss🤘🤘]