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CXXIV

Brett felt his stomach plummet like in a free fall and he thanked his wits that he managed to set up a he hoped convincing deadpan this time. He didn’t even know why there was a sting in his stomach region, given the fact that he had no experience at all and was terrified to go any further than they already had. He just knew that his disappointment shouldn’t keep Eddy from sharing honestly where he wanted to set the line.
“I see.”
“I know I’m gonna be eighteen soon and thus quite old to be… you know.”
“Bullshit!”, Brett simply stated, tone neutral despite the swear. Eddy looked at him. 
“As if age determines anything. I know everyone kind of thinks when reaching a certain age, one should have had certain experiences as well. But how is that related?”
“Hm…”
“It’s the wrong question, isn’t it? How old you are. I think what’s way more important is, is there someone you want to share this with?”
“Makes a lot of sense when you put it this way”, Eddy meant slowly, “I’ve never really thought about it since I’ve never been in the situation where this was relevant.”
“And now…”
Eddy laid an arm around Brett’s shoulder and Brett sighed gratefully despite the heat.
“Well, now it is. More than ever.”
A clump formed itself somewhere between Brett’s vocal chords and his adam’s apple. He swallowed hard before saying, “So this is where you set your boundaries.”
Brett tried very hard not to sound bitter or sad. Whatever Eddy decided, he wanted to be okay with it, even if it meant going against his deepest desires. He felt Eddy’s gaze gently imploring him.
"I gave that some thought actually, after we had our talk about if we should dive into a relationship or not. This line I draw is not about me not wanting to be with you. It’s all I want, really.”
“It is?”, the insecure part of Brett had to ask and he felt Eddy’s squeeze around him as an immediate response.
“Of course, love. You can bet your violin on that.”
As silly as it was, the sense of relief Brett felt made his heart pound a bit lighter. 
“But I want to give us a more secure framework, if you will. I want to commit to you before we go any further because I don’t want us to make ourselves this vulnerable without knowing if we will stay together or not. In other words, I don’t want a one night stand kind of thing and then risk our hearts getting broken because we never see each other again.”
“You’re saying”, Brett tried to rephrase, slowly starting to understand what Eddy meant, “You want us to be boyfriends at least before we go any further than we already have?”
Eddy nodded once in a steadfast manner. 
“Yeah. I want to protect you at all costs, even if it means not getting what I want, if this makes any sense.”
“It does, I think”, Brett said and what Eddy had laid out for him was conclusive. He’d been devastated when Eddy had broken off their friendship before and he couldn’t even begin to imagine how much worse he’d be off when they would sleep with each other, open themselves up, show their most vulnerable side and then never talk to each other again for whatever reason. He knew there were people who thought they wouldn’t be affected by something like that, but he also knew for sure this wasn’t the case for him. Certainly not when it came to Eddy.

A stuttered intake of breath from his left and then came words which drew tears in Brett’s eyes in an instant, spoken with a loaded voice. “Brett, I… I really, really like you, you know. I wouldn’t give it all so much thought if I didn't.”
Brett’s eyelids fluttered like the butterfly wings did in his stomach.
“Damn! You have no idea how much I’d like to say the l-word now”, he admitted without hesitation because yeah they’d only known each other for two weeks and yet, he’d never met anyone this caring, this loving, this wonderful on so many levels.
Eddy’s head jolted around, the shine in his eyes so intense it took whatever was left from Brett’s breath away. 
“You… you would?”
“Eddy. The way you think… it goes deep. Under no circumstances do I want you to get hurt and it’s very, very good you’re telling me what’s okay for you and how far you’re willing to go. I actually think it’s the only way for me as well because I cannot imagine how hurt I’d be if… you know… we do that and then decide it’s not working for us.”
“So, you’re really okay with that?”
“I am! I’m okay with whatever you decide… except I mean… after hearing everything you’ve said, I don’t think I’d be ready to go all the way even if you wanted… gosh! Why does it have to be so complicated?”, he groaned, burying his face in his hands.
“It probably wouldn’t if we, or I, wouldn’t think too much.”
“Yeah, and then it’d end in a disaster.”
Eddy chuckled. “Maybe. But back to… you know...”
Brett glanced at his love, at the rosy cheeks and the sun sparkling in the other’s eyes. “The l-word?”, he said cheekily.
“Uhm… yeah… is it too…”
“Too soon? I was thinking that. But I don’t know, what changes if I want to say it? Does it make everything more serious or something? Too serious?”
“Don’t ask me”, Eddy shook his head, his tone amused, “All this dating stuff is new for me and it just happens the first person I date I feel like I want to be with for the rest of my life and yet, I have no idea if it’s too soon to say that either.”
Brett’s heart sure did a somersault out of joy hearing this. 
“Well, I guess that’s what this date is for!”, it’s what he settled with in the end, all the sweet, solemn and serious words they hadn’t quite yet spoken in the air between them, floating gently, marking their presence without overpowering anything, overcoming any of them. “And as always, we see where we go from here? It’s gonna be okay.”
Brett’s voice was reassuring and he was glad he managed to pull that off. There were so many factors beside their feelings for each other which could decide their fate and it seemed wise to give themselves a bit more time.

Eddy tightened his sideways hug, his hand brushing up and down Brett’s upper arm. “We’ll figure things out. You’ll see!”