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LXXXIV

God, where were all these tears coming from? Brett had slid down to the cold stone floor ages ago, the concrete guardrail his back was leaning against shielding him from unwelcomed sights. He sobbed with his hands clutched over his mouth, glasses completely stained and his heart hurting so much he wanted to rip it out his chest and throw it off the platform, far away into the ocean so he wouldn’t have to feel anything anymore forever. His head was reeling with the few sentences Eddy had spoken. “It’s better this way.”, “You don’t want to know.”, “Keep some distance from now on.” 

What the actual fuck? You don’t want to know… There was nothing more he wanted to know than what the hell Eddy meant. Better this way… he was pretty sure anything was better than the despair he was experiencing right now! And how the hell was he supposed to keep his distance from Eddy when they were sharing a desk for Mozart and Mahler and Eddy was doing concertmaster when Brett had to play his Korngold? How the fuck did he think this should work? Yeah, Brett was angry! Real angry! But the pain, oh the pain was unlike anything he’d experienced in his life!

So he cried until his voice went all raspy, until his eyes burnt and the sleeves of his shirt were ruined for good from all the tears and snot he tried to get rid of. He cried until he just limply sat there and blankly stared at his propped up knees through the film of moisture in his eyes until the noises downstairs faded and all became quiet except for the occasional screech of some bats flying around, chasing mosquitos.

Cole found him exactly in this position an hour later, his features showing panic and relief at the same time when he crouched down and frantically talked into Brett without the other taking in one word or even really perceiving Cole’s presence. In the end, he dragged Brett onto his feet and back to their hotel where he forced him to at least take off his dress pants and button-up before tucking him in, deeming clean teeth unimportant for the time being. There, in bed, a new set of tears started to soak Brett’s cushion as he wept silently till eventually, his eyelids mercifully shut the world out and a dreamless, restless sleep welcomed him. 

The next morning wasn’t less cruel on Brett. Images of Eddy staring at him with his cold, lifeless eyes hit him right in the guts first thing when he woke up. He squeezed his eyes shut and buried himself under an impressive pile of blankets, praying that Cole had already left the room and thus Brett to himself in his misery. 

He had no such luck though.
“Brett? Mate?”
A hand laid itself on the blanket mountain where Brett’s shoulder was located. The tears were there already, demanding to be let out.
“Brett…”
Cole must have felt Brett shaking judging by the tone of his voice. Brett moved his head left and right in the dark of his fort.
“Hey…”
He started to rub Brett’s shoulder and back through the blanket which only made Brett’s dam weaker. God damn it! Was he really going to full on wail in front of his friend again? Wasn’t it enough for Cole to witness this embarrassing state once, when Brett had acknowledged his feelings for Eddy? Feelings which were being trampled on mercilessly.
Great! Now the sobs came. Unstoppable tidal waves of sadness shook Brett to his very core and hurled him against sharp rocks, again, and again, and again. 
“Oh mate, let it out”, Cole soothed and Brett did, because what other choice did he have? Here, under the cover where no eyes could pry, he surrendered once again to despair like the sun had set and was never going to rise again. 

Did hours pass? Half a day even? Brett wouldn’t know. All was a blur of the same darkness and Cole’s patience was truly remarkable, for he stayed by Brett’s side, drawing soothing circles on his back. He didn’t stop, didn’t grow tired of Brett’s wailing and it touched Brett deeply that he cared, even though part of him still wanted to be alone. 

“Wanna tell me what happened yesterday?”, Cole asked quietly when Brett’s sniffles became lesser at some point.
Brett shook his head unconvincingly and sprinkled tears on the mattress.
“It might not change things, but it can help, you know.”
“You were wrong, Cole”, Brett then blurted out, his voice croaking from all the crying and sobbing. 
“How?”
“There is no hope. There’s never gonna be.”
“Why?”
“He said he never wants to see me again.”
Brett didn’t see him but he could practically hear Cole frowning. “Are you sure he said it like that?”
A swell of anger surged through Brett and he threw his blanket back, tousling Cole’s hair.
“He fucking said he wanted us to keep some distance!”, he spat with his hands clenched to fists, “Does he have to spell it out or is that clear enough?”
Cole blinked a few times. “Hold on… I’m not… I don’t understand…”
“Neither do I!”, Brett yelled, “Do you think I fucking know what’s going on? Everything was fine before the audition and right after that, he vanishes and the first thing he tells me when I see him is, we shouldn’t fucking hang out anymore and it’s better for me to not know why!”
“So I guess you found him on the platform?”
Brett lowered his head again, new, angry tears already dripping on the cover. “I walked up there to have a better view. His mum saw me. I bet he would have never talked to me if it wouldn’t have been for her. She was like congratulating me and stuff and he wanted to leave. I then asked him why and he just said it’s better this way and that I didn’t want to know why and all this crap! I just… then he just left!”
“Left you alone up there”, Cole concluded with a sad, heavy sigh.
Brett nodded and wiped the stupid droplets away just for them to be replaced by new ones. 
“Idiot!”, Cole murmured under his breath with gritted teeth. 
“So you get it now? He hates me! And I, dumbass, have feelings for him! He must have figured it out and now he wants to be as far away from me as possible!”
He didn’t get it! Didn’t understand how Cole could still look at him with that doubtful gaze like everything wasn’t as clear as day, like not all hope was lost forever.
“Were you that obvious that he noticed though? You tried to hide it, didn’t you? And there was nothing you did on stage that gave anything unless you were sending air kisses in his direction when I wasn’t looking or something.”
Brett snorted.
“You heard his second movement, didn’t you?”
Cole stilled, something visibly dawning in his mind. “Yeah”, he said slowly, “don’t think I’ve ever heard an interpretation this soulful.”
“Right. What if he figured it out while he was playing?”
“During an audition?”, Brett’s friend creased his brows, “Didn’t he have like other stuff to worry about?”
“No, but think about it! He started to avoid me right after he played. And the only way he can play like this is to draw from emotions or events he’s experienced.”
“He did look at you for quite some time after his performance”, Cole meant pensively.
“Because he must have realized it then!”, Brett exclaimed, his voice shooting up an octave at the last two words, “He realized our friendship isn't gonna work out because of me! Because I’m ruining everything!”
“Shhh, Brett! You’re not ruining anything! You haven’t even said anything! If he’s making assumptions, that’s on him.”
“But he’s making the right assumptions!” Brett wasn’t screaming, but it was a close thing. “And now, I destroyed what I had with him without even trying to tell him how I feel! How pathetic is that?”

Yeah, pathetic alright! And being this devastated over a crush on a guy he’d developed during a week was even more pathetic. He should have jumped off that platform when he had the chance!

“I don’t know”, Cole said way too calmly considering Brett was losing it right in front of him, “It seems far-fetched if you ask me. What if…” His eyes widened and Brett held his breath subconsciously, like a tiny part of him was leaping for a straw he could hold on to. A tiny and very stupid part.
“What if it’s the opposite?”
Brett furrowed his brows. “What do you mean?”
Cole grabbed Brett’s shoulders. “What if he realized something else when he played? What if he realized he’s the one who has feelings for you?”