Vent Book Because Depression

29/08/24

Time: 12:40am

This is gonna be the longest one I've done and Ill probably ever do, since I have had a lot happen in the last 4 momths alone.

I first wanna say I resolved my issues woth my friends. I talked to them about how I was feeling and put everything out there and we've worked through it.

Second, I'm publishing 3 rants at once because I need to say this now and publish this now.

Remember when I said I was moving schools? Yeah, well turns out that school helped with my working struggles a bit, but then made my mental health worse. I'm sorry if this feels like it's out of nowhere, but I need to say it. I tried to kill myself 5 times while at that school for a term and a half. I tried twice in the senior bathroom. I tried once in the bathroom at work. I tried in my own bedroom. I tried to drown myself in the Yarra River. (Yes, I'm Victorian, idc if you know that it's public information)

I dropped out after the last attempt. We decided this when my mum drove down 2 hours to make sure I was ok. I stayed at my aunt that night. That was the first time anyone took my mental health seriously. I never wrote in here because I literally couldn't. I couldn't clear my mind at all. All I wanted to do is go back and try again, this time without calling my aunt to say goodbye. Just leaving.

In present, my mum forced me into therapy, and it was going good for a while! Only a few bad thoughts every now amd again. Then, I don't know what happened, but its worse than ever. I found myself trying to excuse my ex taking advantage of me and hurting me multiple times. Tonight, I kept thinking about that night 4 months ago.

As of this moment at 12:52am, I want to die. I wish I succeeded that night. Sure, maybe people will miss me. A select few have almost convinced me they would. I still doubt it, but it's possible. But also, do they rather me suffer through every day? I don't want to live anymore and there is no soft way to put it.

Time: 12:56am