from the start

chapter 35: Autumn

I was going to therapy.
No sane person would not go to therapy after killing someone, yet again no sane person would murder.
Kai was driving me to my first session, I could tell he was relieved that I suggested it. I needed it, I felt like a shadlow of myself, with the fact that I don't know I ended up killing her that day makes it all worse.
Kai never told me what happened when I blanked out,he said it was better that was and I did agree to some level so I let it go.
We drove in and Kai wished me good luck although he was still going to be at the reception.
"Hey Autumn!" A woman with a bright cherry pattern lipstick said from her desk.
It was quite chilly in the room, 2 windows, a bunch of stuffed toys. The only dark thing in the room was the chocolate skin my therapists had.
"Hello Mrs Francesca" I tried matching her enthusiasm but failed.
"How are you doing today?" She asked big smile still plastered on her face, I was holding on to one of the stuffed animals.
Hold on. How am I meant to confess that I killed a man, this was the wrong decision.
I remained silent so she called for my attention again with the same question " how about you doing today?"
"Umm.. very well thank you." I lied, I was getting better at that now. Lieing I did that every single day till it became natural, maybe it was another gift I got from my late mother.
"So why are here today?" She asked, this was it I was not going to lie anymore.
"I killed my mother"I said.
The life drained from her eyes as she processed the information. I thought as a therapist she'd have heard more of that.
"Umm... Wow" she coughed " why did you do that?" She asked returning back to the professional I hoped she was.
"She was a murderer too"did I just say too did that mean I was a murderer as well I guess i subconsciously accepted my fate.
"Do you feel like you are becoming her in anyway?" Right on the money.
"Every single day of my life,since..."I trailed off un able to finish my statement.
Minutes went by.
Hours next.
Then I was finally out, I had cried in the room once? Twice? I can't remember.to think a year ago I was being beaten by an abusive boyfriend.
I walked out of the whole building knowing Kai would follow.
"Hey, what happened in there"Kai said blocking my way into the car.
"I don't want to go back. Ever again"I finally understood why people hated therapy. The longer you stay in those bright rooms your vision seems to slip out of your fingers.
"Are you...good?" He asked putting his hand on my shoulder.
I shook my head, tears reawoken. He wrapped me in his arms and allowed me to cry, pouring out all my emotions, allowing me stain his shirt with colourless blood seeping from my eyes.
"It's okay "he said tapping my back "I am here"
But he wasn't, well he was physically but no one could understand how I felt. Broken but not just that no words could explain it.
After I forced my tears to stop pouring we got in the car to drive home.
Looking outside the window as I was being driven, that's what i did now. I couldn't look at the driver.
I saw a tree, a really tall tree hanging over a cliff.
I loved the tree when I was younger I had a swing on it where I used to play with my moth -skye.
I closed my eyes, I am tired of being here.
When me and my mom talked about death  it was always referred to as home, maybe that's what brought her consolation after killing people but it sure didn't work for me.
I do know one thing though.
I want to go home.