The End is Only the Beginning

Chapter 7-You Were Gone To Soon

WARNING: This chapter contains self harm, and suicidal thoughts.

It had been a few days since Sodapop was in the hospital, and he was finally allowed to come home. He had to sleep back in his room because the doctor said that even a slight hit to his arm could mess it up more. Which meant Ponyboy was sleeping next to Darry so he didn't get his nightmares again. And since I was still staying at their house that meant I could sleep in Ponyboy's room. It had almost been a week since I had gone to school but Darry wanted us to take care of Sodapop while he was hurt so I got to skip. As much as I liked missing school, now we were stuck catering to Sodapop. And he was definitely being a bit annoying on purpose. Especially with Ponyboy, and it was kinda funny. He would have Ponyboy bring him his painkillers even though they were right next to his hand and he could easily reach them. He just wanted to annoy Pony as much as possible. Whenever Pony got a break we would just sit in silence in the living room. We didn't really talk very much that day. It was never awkward though. At least it wasn't for me, I was to busy feeling guilty. The night before I almost killed myself. I went down to the pier and sat there for hours, just watching the water. And I almost jumped at least 5 times. I don't know why but that night was just so hard to get through, I couldn't take it anymore. Even though I didn't kill myself, my arm defentily got a lot of cuts to it. So did my thigh, I basically cut anywhere someone wouldn't see.

"Oh Ponyboy! Your loving, caring, and handsome brother needs you!" He said right as Ponyboy sat down. It was like he could see through the walls.

Ponyboy got up annoyed, "Ugh coming!" I laughed a bit and when Pony gave me a death glare stare I tried my best to hold it in. But the second he left I burst into laughter. I walked into Sodapop's room with Ponyboy.

I sat down on a chair next to his bed, "Hey Sodapop? Why were you with a Soc?"

He lost all emotion in his face as he stared off, "How do you know about that?"

"Oh... Darry told us..." I lied, he didn't sound like Sodapop. He sounded scared and worried.

He looked at me, "I was with Cherry Valance. We were... on a date. But you can't tell Darry! He would freak out." He sounded even more scared and that scared me.

"Ok we won't. But why would you date a Soc?" I had guessed that Sodapop was on a date but it didn't make sense that he was on one with a Soc.

He popped a painkiller in his mouth and swallowed it dry, "Cherry isn't like other girls. She is even better than Sandy. I know she would never cheat on me, I really like her."

Ponyboy finally spoke up and said, "But Soda you cant even marry her one day or do anything with her if you don't tell the gang. You can't get anywhere with this relationship if you don't tell anyone. Maybe you should tell Darry, Im sure he wouldn't be mad."

"No! I swear to god Ponyboy if you tell anyone..." Sodapop was about to finish his sentence but he passed out cold.

I froze. Nothing was happening. The world froze. I was happy and didn't cut myself. Sodapop wasn't passed out. My mom loved me and Dally and Johnny were still alive. I heard the muffled sound of Ponyboy running to go call 9-1-1. There was nothing we could do. Sodapop was bout to die and the painkillers had been keeping him alive this whole time. The same Sodapop that had been happy just two days ago. The same Sodapop that had been breathing and completely healthy. He was dying, I saw the color from his face slowly fade away. I suddenly felt nothing. It was like as the color from his face drained so did my feelings. I had thought I didn't feel anything but I never really knew what it was. Before this I had still vaguely felt happy, and even sad. But now I felt nothing. Sodapop, the one that was never going to die, was about to die. Suddenly the world snapped back to me, "Ponyboy! They're not gonna be here in time! Call Darry, he'll know what to do."

About 2 minutes later Darry showed up, he ran into the room with Sodapop and picked him up. "Ponyboy, go get the car door open." Pony ran to do what he said and I ran to go help. We all hopped in the car and Sodapop was in the backseat with his head resting on Pony's lap. The color started to come back in his face, he was no longer pale. He woke up on the way there, but then passed out again. The color drained again, just as we made it to the hospital.

The nurses rushed him inside and we were left to sit in the waiting room. All 3 of us were silent the whole time. When I saw Ponyboy silently crying I grabbed his hand and held it. I didn't care if he liked me or not, I could not see my friend like this. I didn't let go until the nurse came out to get us.

She had a nervous look on her face as she said, "He has lead poisoning... when the surgeon removed the bullet he didn't get all of it. If he doesn't get surgery he will die." Darry's face went blank, he took the nurse to the other side of the room and talked quietly with her.

I looked at Ponyboy, he had his face in his knees and was sobbing, "Oh Pony. It's gonna be alright. The nurse said he will get surgery and that'll fix it. He's gonna get better." I tried to comfort him but he didn't listen to me. He was too lost in his own thoughts. A little while later Steve walked into the hospital and told us he had to take us back to the Curtis house. We went with him silently, I didn't believe a thing I said to Ponyboy. I had no clue if Soda was going to be ok... I really hoped he would be. After we got home Ponyboy went straight to his room, I went straight to the bathroom.

I pulled out my small blue box that had been in the pocket of my green tote bag, and grabbed the even smaller baggy that had my blades in it. I grabbed the small blade that I had taken out of my razor and dragged it across my wrist. The deep red liquid fell from my wrist as I cut deeper. I felt a small pain in my wrist and then it went away, a few moments later and it came back occasionally. But not often, so I figured I needed to cut more. I cut deeper each time, getting closer and closer to cutting too deep. What would it feel like? To die? Sad... Happy... Maybe exciting? I would finally feel something, even if it was pain it was still better than nothing. I tried to cut again but my blade had became to dull from the other thousand times I had cut myself. So I set it down on the white bathroom sink being carful not to let it fall on the floor or down the drain. I reached into the small Ziploc bag that sat on the bathroom sink and pulled out another blade that was identical to the first one. I cut once, twice, then three more times, remembering to cut deeper each times. I still didn't feel anything, but I knew if I cut deeper it would be too deep. It would be to far, it would be digging myself into a hole that I would never escape even if for some reason I wanted to. So I set the blade down carefully and placed it back into the bag, making sure I didn't nick my fingers. I grabbed the blue box and set the bag inside beside my pocket knife and extra razor. I checked that everything was inside and closed the box quietly so that Ponyboy would not hear it. Then the box took its place back in the pocket of my green tote bag. All anyone knew about that box was that I had gotten it on the field trip to the aquarium, the one where I met Ponyboy. They didn't know what was inside, or the secrets a small box could hold. All they knew was that it was a blue box that a 14 year old girl owned. I never cried when I cut, it didn't hurt enough to cry. That was what scared me the most.