Chapter 25
"Hello, everyone. . . Thank you for coming and paying a visit to my late wife's funeral, Synestine de Amos. . ." I cut my sentence when I already felt like crying. Hindi ko naman mapipigilan 'to. I imagine no one could. I don't even want to speak and I never wanted them to see me in this state. I should be locking myself up in the room where I would keep blaming myself for her death.
I looked around and saw everyone close to us and our family came. This wasn't the reunion we were hoping for. Maraming pagkakataon na maaari 'tong mangyari, pero hindi sana sa ganitong pangyayari.
"I would start to start by saying how life was good when Synestine was still here with us. Her love for everyone was radical, it radiated to something unforgettable that's why we all love for her who she is—was. I know everyone who came here had shared beautiful times with her. Even though it was a short or long time, or you haven't been in touch with each other for years, I knew once in your life, she did something great in everyone's life."
I was going off-script. May sinulat na ako na siyang sasabihin ko na lang sana, pero hindi ko magawang basahin nang maayos dahil kung ano-anong pumapasok sa isipan ko at gusto ko iyon ipahayag nang walang pag-aalinlangan. All this should come from the heart, but it was so painful for me.
"I know a lot of you knew Synestine as the kind of person who would do whatever she wanted. She could be so spontaneous and didn't mind all the things that would come her way. She was fearless. I love that about her. There were so many things I love about her and I don't think twenty minutes of me talking would be enough for all of that. . . She was that amazing. I couldn't compare her to anyone else. She was unique. One of a kind. I didn't expect I would find the girl of my dreams in the person of Synestine. . ."
I paused and looked at her coffin where I could see her. I won't blame my wife for leaving us this way because I know in myself she wouldn't be in that position if it wasn't for me.
"When Synestine gave birth to our son, she nearly lost her life and I prayed so hard for her to get through this and she did. . . I felt so much relieved in my chest because I knew she wouldn't leave us just like that. She was waiting for that day to come. To bring our baby out to this world and now that she did, she won't be around to do that anymore. . . And that was because of me. . ."
When I uttered those words, I saw some of their faces change and some gasped for air as if that would make a change. I make my way to my wife's coffin and I just wanted to get her out of it and put myself inside it. Before I could do anything worse, someone pulled me from there and had me seated in the front row.
I couldn't handle my emotion and I don't have any idea who was comforting me right now. All I know is that this wouldn't even happen if it wasn't because of me.
I made a wrong decision.
I drove us off the road and now she was gone.
Throughout the funeral, I remained seated while everyone continued speaking about Synestine and her memories. I couldn't listen to them. It just breaks my heart every time. Napagdesisyonan kong lumabas ng church para mapag-isa. I told everyone not to follow me, but I knew Synestine's father walked right behind me. He was the one comforting me and told me that it wasn't my fault that his daughter was gone, but I didn't believe it.
I know if it was who died that day, my parents would blame Synestine. I don't know. Gusto ko lang matapos ang paghihirap ko, pero ayokong bitawan ang pangako ko sa asawa ko na papalakihin ko nang maayos ang anak namin. I need to hold on to that promise and she would live through those memories.
Even though my wife's father said that I should just accept it and it was no one's fault, at the back of my head, if I just decided to park our car on the roadside while it was raining, we all could've got home together.
When the time came for her burial, I couldn't watch it. Everyone was crying and I felt like I was already out of tears to cry. I don't want to believe it. I just can't throw a flower into her coffin and believe it was over after that.
After the burial, I stayed at the cemetery. I was alone watching them all put sand on her coffin until it fell flat on the ground. I didn't want to leave, but as soon as I received a call from my mom and heard my son crying, I knew he needed me.
I don't want to leave the love of my life away. I wanted to stay and be with her side forever, but I knew she wanted me to be with my son and love my son as much as I've loved her. I have no idea how I will live in this world without her. She was the only one that gave me so much hope and made me feel so loved.
Everything inside of me died when I lost her that day.
If there was only a time machine that I could take and go back where the time I could change our fate, I would do it at any cost, but this is my reality now, just like what she said, I can only accept and move on from it.
How can you move on from someone who you loved for so long? That's impossible. No one could do that. Not even myself.
