Chapter 27
When my parents saw me back home, they cried and were happy to see me back. Limer was sleeping when I got to see him and I couldn't help myself, but let all the tears run down my cheeks.
Ang laki nang pagsisi ko kung bakit ako umalis at nagpakalayo para lang iwasan ang katotohanang ito. I thought leaving home could help me forget any traces of my late wife. Her memories would always flood my mind and even though I tried to sleep them away, my dreams always became a nightmare and the day we were heading home kept repeating over and over making me stay up all night so I could forget about it.
At home, I tried to fulfill my duty as a parent for Limer. I knew I made mistakes, but I'm ready to do everything right even little by little.
As soon as I came home, I apologized to my parents because my son wasn't their responsibility at all. It seemed like I left, and they were the ones who looked after him. They didn't say anything but understood what I was going through. It wasn't easy for everyone, especially for us, who had to learn to live without Synestine.
Some people who learned about Synestine's death might be shocking for them. Like in just a second, the loveliest and sweetest girl we've ever known was taken away from us. What happened will always be marked in my mind. Moving on wouldn't be an easy step for me. I've tried doing so in the past few months, but it always led me back to the start, where I had to go through all that pain of losing her.
"What are you really feeling right now, Cholo? Would you mind telling me?" my therapist asked.
Inangat ko ang tingin ko para tingnan ko siya sa mata. She was leaning in getting that answer from me and all I could feel was my emotion building up inside my chest. I didn't even want to do this in the first place, but when my parents told me they knew someone who could help me, I thought it would be just a random dude or lady down the streets.
When they laid out the plan to me, I declined it in the first place. Ang sabi ko sa kanila, hindi ko naman kailangan dumaan sa therapist para maka-move on. I resisted the idea for so long dahil sa naniniwala ako na hindi ko kailangan no'n. Hindi naman ako nasiraan ng bait para magpa-theraphy. I wasn't crazy at all.
"Mad. Confused. Hurting."
She put a smile on her face while nodding her head. "That's all valid and I understand where you were coming from. Do you wonder why every time we meet I ask you how you are feeling?"
I shrugged off my shoulder. "It's a normal thing, I guess?'
"You're correct, but that would also make me understand how you are feeling, not just today, yesterday, but for the past few days because those feelings you mentioned won't be washed out so easily. There was a process of learning why we were mad, why we were confused, and why we were hurting. How we developed these feelings and how we let them go won't be easy."
"And you just can't sleep on it, too."
"That's right, Cholo. Tell me why are you feeling mad, confused, and hurting right now?"
I took a deep breath. "I'm mad at myself because I believe I didn't have to go through this and I was confused because of all the things that were happening."
"And why are you hurting?"
"I think that's already out in the air," I told her. "I was still hurting from losing my wife."
"What you all said to me was part of the process," she said. "Now, I have a little task for you and I'm sure this will somehow help you navigate your emotions well and your perception of reality."
