Heroin(e) -tripleS-

Chilchilz XI

But just until one day, i saw her getting in someone's car. And that car has known to everyone that it's Yooyeon Saem's car. Once again, it was only me who noticed that. At some point, at that time, i hated the fact that i was always observing. I hated the fact that i noticed that.

As time went by, i saw Naky unnie always get excited every time it's Yooyeon Saem's class. She would put her phone aside and put a notebook and a pencil case on her table instead. She would fix her seat and straighten her back just to get another normal lecture. At least, for me only it's normal but for her it's probably a special lecture.

She would sometimes put her elbow on the table and rest her head on her hands and observe Yooyeon Saem while she's lecturing. She was observing Yooyeon Saem but i was observing her.

I hate that our table in that class is gradually curving making that table in bended straight line form, so her seat that was after two people next to me made it kinda easy for me to see her face at that time. And her eyes seem to be staring so dearly towards Yooyeon Saem. That time, all i could do was just to face down and continue what i was doing. I was trying to ignore it as i still wasn't aware of my own feelings. YET.

A year has passed, and throughout that year, i let her gradually grow in my heart and at the same time, i realized i have been torturing myself. Getting into her life is equal torturing my heart at that moment. It did feel like letting my half heart give her half heart to someone else.

I have been stalking Naky unnie and Yooyeon Saem but surprisingly i have never gotten caught. No, i was not stalking but i didn't know why I had to come across them while they were having a secret meeting or why they had to have a secret meeting every time i was around.

I couldn't help myself but to eavesdropped them. I could hear how close they are and how comfortable they are with each other. Until that was where I knew that they had been in a relationship way before i entered this university. Probably since Naky unnie was still a freshman.

As time goes by, i have to keep telling myself that i have to stop letting Naky unnie grow in my heart. I have to keep telling myself that it's a criminal to stalk or eavesdrop on people. And i keep telling myself that it's fine as long as Naky unnie is smiling. It's okay as long as she's happy. It's alright as long as she gets what she wants.

Everyday after that, i noticed every time she tried to defend Yooyeon Saem for herself. Such as, that time where she started to spread the rumor about Yooyeon Saem is taken just to stop others from trying to hit on Yooyeon Saem because Yooyeon Saem is hers. I knew she did it on purpose and her motive of that action is just what i wanted to do for her.

Until one day, i hurt my heart badly. As bad as i found myself blaming myself for days on why i have to take that decision from the first place. It was a cold night where my 5 other friends decided to pull a prank on Naky unnie because she's always sleeping at the end of every class.

I was forced to follow them to leave Naky unnie behind without waking her up but i just felt bad to let her go back to her house alone especially on this cold night. I came back to our class just to witness Yooyeon Saem kiss her in her sleep. It was a dark room but all i could see was them.

I could vividly remember how strange my heart was beating at that moment. It caught me off guard of how unnatural it felt. The unnatural heartbreak which made me blame myself for coming back to that class. I just wish i could turn back time and never let myself witness that. I could already have depression at that point where i found myself keeps on telling myself that 'it could be me' negatively.

Days have passed and i have to always act normal whenever Naky unnie is around. It just felt unnatural and tiring at the same time, but i just want her to always be by my side even though i have to act like someone else. Someone else who didn't have a heart of loving her while i'm totally the opposite of it. Deep down, i hated myself for having to act like that.

However, every time i tried to open up about my feelings, i found myself just couldn't help it but to feel anxious and scared if everything changed if i ever let myself ruin this friendship.

But then, i found out that it wouldn't change anything even if i did because after that day, where i asked her that I wanted her to get drunk only when she's with me, i found out how reckless Naky unnie was at that time. I should have expected that was all her reaction since i already know how determined she is on prioritizing Yooyeon Saem's heart only. But, i found myself hurting again.

As time went by, i felt like i started to lose myself. I started to act obviously. I started to care about her openly even though in front of our other friends. But then, just to find out that she would still look at Yooyeon Saem first even after i was the one who tied her apron and hair before eating.

I found myself at my very worst that day when something started whispering in my head forcing me to bring Naky unnie home instead of letting her get home with her lover. It was the most obvious response i have ever done towards my own feelings especially when i did it in front of the person who got the other half of her heart which i wish she gave it to me.

There was i realized that the feeling of 'it's fine as long as she's smiling' is just my coping mechanism. The way that i wish i could feel that but it was never what I wanted to feel from the first place.

I got distracted by it for a long time until i completely came to my senses only after I had arrived at my front door. I stared at the door knob for a long time. At that time, it just felt like I wanted to turn back time and bring Naky unnie along no matter how much risk it would be.

That was all my wish until it ended that day. Now, i'm tired of running away from my feelings. I'm tired hiding it for a long time. Denying it and refuse to feel it was what drained me so much. However, revealing it is not my choice. I would rather continue to hide it like it was never existed.

Now, i want to start to refuse to feel my feelings for real. I want to start to ignore everything that would make my heart flatter again. I want to start to stop letting her grow in my heart for real this time. I want to start to view her as nothing more than a friend. And a friend should support what makes another friend happy, right? I'll support everything that makes Naky unnie happy. I'm letting you go, my friend, Kim Nakyoung.

To be continued...