Veil of Lies

Awakening Emotions

★ Musfirah

Days changed into weeks and week into months. I was improving day by day. My life was getting more peaceful than before. Alexander didn't tried doing anything after that failed attempt of assassinating so that it'll not catch attention of the locals, well that is what he usually do when he always gets caught committing illegal activities, leaving it. Such a coward, isn't he? But now I couldn't careless about him, I just want to become a great Muslim. Currently I was taking a course from the Marife foundation, an Islamic educational institution in Istanbul in order to gain knowledge more about Islam. During the process, my Tajweed - recitation improved much more and I was even able to memorize the Qur'an. Hiranur helped me in alot of aspects of learning. Although I called Nazli once during this time interval, I was able to feel much more better and safer than before. Or maybe I thought so.

The incident of the Karaköy left such a stain that now I experience nightmares, flashbacks, migraines and anxiety even when a year and a half has passed. I still didn't told Hiranur about my real identity, my past or what happened between Mustafa and I so I lied to her saying that I was assaulted and Mustafa saved me. Well, it technically isn't a lie but it's still a relieving fact that Muslims are allowed to lie if they have to cover their past sins. But, the one whom I was always get reminded off was Mustafa. The one who inspired me to research and find out the truth. I cannot just let him go, he played such a great role in protecting and saving me.

The more I learn about the morality and the lessons about character according to Islam, the more I feel motivated to become better. Leaving anything which displeases Allah. Although It indeed was a painful and a difficult step at first but at the end, I was able to control my nafs. I again couldn't help but admire Mustafa, even if he's not around, I think about him more often than before. Just how strong he was to be able to control his temptations from the age of fourteen. I just realized that he is truly a man who has a beautiful character, etiquettes, manners and personality. These traits just increases the admiration and respect I have for him in my heart. These were always in my heart however now it just increases.

I started mentioning him into my prayers and the conversations that I'll have with Allah. And soon enough, the more I started taking about him, the more I fell for him. In the end, I finally realized that it was love all along. Maybe it was when he protected me for the first time from that colleague assaulting me, maybe from the network program event where I saw how he doesn't act pious but is pious, maybe when he recited the Qur'an in such a beautiful voice, maybe when I saw him offering his prayers infront of me, maybe when I saw the admiration everyone held for him during the annual ceremony in September, maybe when I felt hesitation in shooting Mustafa, maybe when I felt upset when he shedded a tear after realizing he was about to disobey Allah, maybe when he protected me from Alexander's men that night or maybe that day where Mustafa told me the reasons why he saved me. It could be any one of those but I never realized because I never fell in love so deeply to differentiate between respect and love. If I knew that this is how love felt like then I would've never suppressed my feelings for so long.

The only way of actually making this whole situation halal is Nikkah but I doubt if he'll want a woman like me, who almost made him go astray, to be his partner for the rest of our lives.

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Emirgan park, located along the Bosphorus in the Emirgan neighborhood of Istanbul. It is famous for its immense and charming gardens of variety of flowers, particularly tulips. Today I decided to pay a visit to this park since Hiranur recommended me so I could relax my mind abit due to the fact of my continuous reactions - Emotional Numbness, Mood Swings, Hypervigilance, Intrusive Memories and many other traits.

I had to take break for myself which became the reason why I came to such a beautiful and serene place at the first place. The gardens were filled with beautiful and variety colour of flowers. Tulips Hyacinths, Primroses, Iris, Daffodils, Pansies were found in abundance. Since it was April, these flowers were the most common ones. Furthermore, the cool weather with the right amount of high temperature. Calming sounds of birds chirping, the flow of water and feminine laughs could be heard mingling in to the air who came here with their companions or beloveds. Everything was just perfect about this place.

I truly chose a great place for spending my time.

I wore my usual attire-black covering. Just because I was going to a beautiful place, doesn't mean I have to beautify myself, do I? But this park was too admirable and too good to be just a normal park.

I came and sat on a bench while holding few flowers. I secretly plucked these flowers so that I can make up a bouquet later and show it to Hira. The water was on my left side while clear, stone paths were built between the gardens. After sitting there for a short while, I decided to continue my walk to pluck even more flowers but when I got alittle too far away from the bench, I noticed a person. His side profile was looking too familiar. It didn't took me long to recognize who he was, Mustafa.

I quickly stood behind a large tree as a quick reaction upon seeing him. What's he doing here all alone? Such a long time has passed that I couldn't even recognized him for a while. I should've went away, knowing that there is nothing between us, I couldn't. My legs were frozen and the only thing I could do was to admire him in secrecy yet again. Wearing a sophisticated, tailored suit, messy hair coming til his brows, both hands inside his pockets and a charming smile. He was looking at the nature while his lips were continuesly repeating a statement. I was reminded again of that night where I asked him what he was repeating and he replied dikhr. Afterwards, Mustafa sat on the same bench I was sitting on before taking out a small notebook out of his coat's pocket and pen to write on it while putting his one leg on another.

How long it had been since I saw Mustafa the last time? One year and a half? But It felt like an eternity to me. Looking at his piety side reminded of every credible action he done, whether it be in a sense of respect, a sense of honesty or a sense of protecting; He was truly the first man to save me from any unfortunate events which I experienced. I put a hand on the tree's trunk before a tear escaped my right eye, the reason? The fact that I admire and adore him so much since then but he wouldn't even know what kind of feelings I have for him. It was then when I realized that if Mustafa cannot find comfort in his own family members or friends then I will be the first person to make him trust in a human being, the first one to make him realize that he is worthy, the first one to make him feel special; I am ready to do it all. But what's even the point when the person who I love so much doesn't even know that he's being admired by a woman like me in secrecy?

Mustafa continued to write in his notebook, with a smile and the Dhikr on his lips as I walked away to leave. The day became a beautiful yet a painful day. It wasn't meant to end like that, finding out that I am in love and that it wasn't just respect, but I am grateful to discover my true feelings. I decided at that time that I would not suppress my feelings. He had done so much for me and I think that the only way of repaying his every act of kindness by taking care of him in a lawful manner. Because one thing is for sure that no matter how long I will live, I will never find a man like Mustafa.

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