Veil of Lies

Bridging Hearts : Joy and Anxiety

★ Musfirah

I sat by the window while a ray of sunlight filtered through the curtains as the breeze had caused them to flutter. Afterwards reading the Qur'an and putting it aside, I sipped the tea from my cup.  The environment was calm but my mind was certainly not. It was a tangled mess of nothing but anxiety and fear.

It's been three days since I had sent him a letter but it felt like three decades had already passed by. What if he will reject my invitation? What if he will accept it? Would he be able to forgive me? Would he think that I am just going to betray him once again? Or would he ignore it completely and never give me a response back?

These thoughts were eating me alive. I couldn't even think straight. My trauma reactions haven't changed a bit. It wasn't like I had enough money to go for therapy. The rent and few groceries which I buy is possible because of my savings from my days as a spy and Hira, being generous as she is, sometimes helping me out. Although I have been trying to avoid triggers, do exercise and relaxation techniques, there isn't truly a way out of the nightmares I get, do I?

All these problems were weighing so much on my mind that I ended up sighing heavily and putting my head down on the table.

Oh Allah, make it easy for me.

I mumbled to myself before hearing the bell ring. Finally. I stood up hastely. Took a veil and wrapped it around, covering my whole self before going to the door. Please let it be the letter. I slightly opened the door, just few inches or so, to let the comer inform his cause of his visit. Turns out the post man had come for delivering a letter. He first confirmed the address before I pulled my covered hand out slowly to receive it and closed the door.

I once again sat on the same spot as before. Opened the letter and started reading it. And I felt like I would never breathe again.

بِسْمِ اللَّهِ الرَّحْمَنِ الرَّحِيمِ

Assalamu Alaikum, Musfirah,

I hope this letter finds you well.

After much thought and prayer, I’ve decided to propose the idea of formalizing our relationship through Nikkah. I believe this step is the right one, guided by the principles of our faith and what pleases Allah. The bond of Nikkah is a serious commitment, and I approach it with the intention of building a life based on mutual respect and the teachings of Islam. Though our journey has been unique, I believe Allah has guided us to this moment for a reason.

I ask you to consider this proposal, and I hope for a response when you feel ready. Whatever you decide, I trust it is part of Allah’s plan for both of us.

Wassalam,
Mustafa Ubaid Afridi.

I sat there, feeling all sorts of emotions. Anxiety, joy, gratitude and a strange feeling I've never experienced before. Perhaps love? My hands were trembling and started  re-read every word as I wanted to savor every line before my vision got blur due to the pool of tears in both of my eyes. I put my hands along with the letter on my lap as tears started flowing out of my eyes.

This was the man I fell in love with. Sincere, faithful, kind and modest. He may never even get to know the amount of prayers and the amount of tears I shedded infront of Allah in desperation just to have him. He may still hate me. He may still never trust me but he still decided to make a rough decision with a woman like me? Mustafa didn't helped me become a good human being but a great believer too. But just the thought of being in Nikkah with him is like a dream has came true.