This Is...A Happy Home

Thirty Six!

I walk in through the door and take off my shoes. I spot the blood on them and throw the pair in the bin. Chibs sees me walk in and I look at him. "I can't right now Chibs. I'm in too much pain." I say as he walks over to me and hugs me, "I'm sorry baby, I'm such a mess." I say, hugging him back. He strokes my hair hating to think about what state I am in, "It's okay I am here." he says wanting me to open up. "I need you Chibs, I feel lost. I don't know what is happening anymore." I cry. He hugs me tighter, "I know." he says. I snuggle up to him, crying more feeling so much heartache. "Jax and I killed Gemma. I lost my mum." I sob. He holds me in his arms, not knowing what to say that will make me feel better. I cry in his arms, glad to have him here. 

I end up exhausting myself, so he takes me to the bedroom and lays me on the bed. I snuggle up to the covers and close my eyes. I fall in to a deep sleep. Chibs stays next to me, not wanting to leave my side. 

Guilt is the strongest emotion I feel when I wake up. It is day time. I don't know how long I have been asleep for. I feel so much guilt though for what I did to my mum, I am even still in shock. I stay in bed, not wanting to get out of it. Chibs walks in with some coffee, "Hey I made you a coffee," he says. I don't stir to look at him, "I'm not really in the mood for coffee, but thanks anyway." I say. I hear him sigh and the sound of a cup being placed on the bedside table. The bed dips slightly as he lays beside me. "You need to eat or drink something lassie, I won't let you wither away." he tells me. He had an inclin I would decline like this, if I killed my mother. He kisses my head. "I will try later." I say. 

I can't remember when, but I must have fallen asleep again, and when I wake up this time Jax is sitting there. "Hey its me." he says gently. I sit up a little wondering what he is doing here. "Oh hi, what time is it?" I ask looking for the alarm clock. "It's evening." he says. Damn, I slept most the day away. Jax seems to know what I must have been thinking, "You sure did," he says. I run my hand through my hair, "What you doing here anyway?" I ask. Jax pretends to look offended, but I am not in the mood for jokes. "Chibs rang me, he thought you needed me." he says. I sit up fully and smile slightly, Chibs did me good here, getting my brother. "Yeah, well, you're the only other person that knows what I am going through." I say. Jax nods, agreeing with me, he is also going through a lot of guilt. "Chibs has been so great with me, but I can't help feeling like he doesn't approve of what we did." I say. Jax sighs at this, getting the same feeling from Chibs, "I don't think he does." he says honestly. I play with my wedding ring, "Maybe he doesn't know how to help you, I mean he told me you haven't eaten anything today, I don't want you slipping backwards." he says. I sigh this time, knowing I didn't want to slip backwards either, "I don't even know how to help myself." I say. Jax takes my hand in to his, not wanting me to break on him now. "Exactly, so how do you expect him to help you?" he asks. I think about that for a second, seeing he has a point there. "I guess you're right. What are you doing to cope?" I ask. Jax takes his hand away, feeling like a hypicrite in this situation. "I'm coping in my own way." he says. I shake my head at him, all that talk about getting help and there he is coping in his own way. "Then I will cope my own way." I say, laying back down, "I don't have the energy to get out of bed. My heart feels heavy. I feel like if I stand up, I am just going to fall flat on my face. I swear to god Jax, I best not lose you. I don't know what I would do." I say, feeling like that would be the end for me if I lost him. "You won't lose me." Jax says whilst smiling. 

"You promise?" I ask, holding out my pinkie finger. 

Jax holds out his pinkie finger and links it with mine. 

"I promise." he says.

We unlink our pinkies after shaking them to seal the promise, "Good, now can you please go grab me an apple?" I ask. Apples are my go to comfort food. I don't know why, they are just so red and juicy. If you can't tell, red ones are my favourite. Jax chuckles a little, "Okay, course." he says happy that I will eat something.