Inquiring Bliss

Breakdancing and Breaking Down

"When your just surviving being around people can be exhausting"

Sleep was basically nonexistent, he spent hours tossing and turning until he finally decided to get out of bed. Truthfully he was at the point of tears.

He took melatonin and Benadryl to try and get even a few hours but it was a failed attempt. That's how he found himself up and in the shower. The water was ice cold now from how long he'd been there. Each drop pierced into his skin.

Goosebumps coated his entire body yet he couldn't find the energy to turn the water off.

His hair was a wet mop on his head, a wet mop he had to constantly push away from his eyes, as water dripped down from his face falling down into his chest.

It was like everything felt twisted and turned, at some point he had ended up on the ground. Sitting, watching as the water ran across his body and down into the drain. He hugged his arms around his knees, his head moving to rest on them.

His brain was locked, Stuck, All he could think about was the night of Karaoke. The amount he drank, the amount he ate, it replayed on a loop. It made him feel sick. He had been so good about controlling how much he was eating.

He was getting to make his own choices. He didn't want to be on the regime the doctors set and what his dad wanted. He knew he had lost too much weight. He knew he pushed it too far before, everything just slipped away from him too fast.

It was like he could hardly keep up.

He would be better now, but he didn't want to eat three meals a day, eating all those portions and-he shook his head interrupting the thoughts of what he was supposed to be eating. What they had set up for him to be eating.

He wanted to do it his way, and he wouldn't let it get out of control like before. He wouldn't.

Even around the guys, he kept his portions small. Sticking to oatmeal for low-calorie meals. Eggs were an easy source of protein. Juices and smoothies were an easy source to add in additional calories that were easier to swallow, easier to stomach.

He couldn't remember the last time he ate junk food. It was like he could feel it all breaking down in his stomach turning into fat. Fat that would stick to him, cling to him.

He had always had a weird relationship with food. Sticking to more comfortable eating habits. He reminded himself it would be better this time. He wouldn't let it get to the point it did last time.

Oatmeal and juice were normal for him, Good. He didn't hate himself when he ate oatmeal. Not like he did when he ate all those disgusting foods the other night.  No...oatmeal was good. The eggs were good, Water, was good. Healthy.

He was being healthy, healthy, and smart, and having a diet wasn't bad. He just wanted to be in shape.

But between the bar and his dad kicking out the guys Oliver felt...out of sorts. Yesterday he felt his emotions moving all over the place and right now he just felt exhausted and numb. Drained. His whole body felt like it was weighted down.

He hated that he couldn't control his racing thoughts. Every time he tried, he kept seeing Raven storming out, the hurt on Brandon's face, Axel's words.

Oliver hadn't felt this conflicted in years. He did feel guilty for having let his dad kick them out the previous day, but he also couldn't handle all their questions. Their curious eyes. It was things like this that made him wonder if he could handle new friends.

Or more. Relationships? Whatever the guys were to him.

His phone buzzing made him groan. He swiped at the glass of his shower eyeing the phone. The buzzing went on and it gave him the push to turn the water off, he stood on shaking legs, grabbing his towel.