A HEALTHY LOVE

CH. 25: CLARITY

Alex desparatly needed to talk to someone. Luckily, Nicky was having  yard time at same time as Alex. She went outside and spotted Alex across the way. She saw the dark and traumatic look on Alex's face and decided to check in with her. Alex said nothing as Nicky sat on the ground beside her. Nicky set her hand on Alex's leg.

"Why the long face, Vause?" Nicky asked

"I just spent three days in the SHU after I caught a fucking maniac stabbing the shit out of McCullough," Alex replied.

Nicky: "Shit, is she okay?"

"I..don't know. There's no way for me to know. It wasn't good. That bitch had a shiv," Alex explained. "There was...so much blood, Nicky."

Nicky put her arm around Alex and hugged her lightly. "Hey, there, there. She's tough, right? Any CO who'd come back after the shit we did to them in the riot has to have guts. I'm sure she'll pull through."

Alex: "I keep thinking…what if she doesn't come back? What if I never see her again?"

"You've fallen for her." Nicky said.

Alex looked down as she hugged the book to her chest. "I have fallen for her" Alex said, looking back up at Nicky

Nicky: "Is that right?"

Alex: "When I'm with her, I feel safe. She looks at me like I'm the only person in the whole fucking universe. I can cry in front of her. I can be anything in front of her and I know she won't leave me. She makes me feel that I'm more than enough. She makes me look forward to getting up in the morning because I have her to talk to. She's there for me. No matter what."

Nicky: "And your wife?"

Alex: "I love Piper, and I always will. To be honest, I miss her so much it hurts. But I don't know if I'll ever be enough for her. I'm always scared that I'll lose her. Whenever things get tough between us, she runs. She goes to someone else when I need her the most. I feel like all we've ever done over years is just hurt each other. Still, she's the love of my life. How can I walk away from that?"

"Let's say you don't. Let's say you want to work things out with Chapman. What would that look like?" Nicky asked. Alex looked down slightly as she considered Nicky's  question. "It would mean leaving McCullough again, if she makes it back." Alex replied.

"How do you feel when you think about doing that?" Nicky asked.

"Like my guts would be ripped out," Alex quietly admitted. "I don't want to leave her. I want to see her again so I can tell her how I feel."

"Which is?" Nicky asked.

In that instant, everything became clear to Alex. "I..fucking love her. She's kept me sane in this fucking prison. I love spending time with her. It's the only thing that feels normal to me. She has a great heart, and she really loves me. There's never been a doubt about that in my mind. When we're together, it's just us. Nothing else, and no one else, exists. The only time it hurts with her is when we have to say goodbye for the night." Alex said,ending her lovely rant.

"All right. Now, you know what you have to do. It won't be easy, but we have to love people from a distance sometimes. It's the only way to open ourselves up to the love that is right for us." Nicky replied. Alex smiled hugely and gave Nicky's hand a squeeze. "You're a wise one, Nichols." Alex said.

Nicky: "See? I knew I was onto something with you and Texas. Not all addicts can give sage advice, you know. There are only a select few of us. I'm like Buddha, if he ever went to rehab."

Alex laughed for the first time in days. "You're the best. The fucking best."

Nicky: "Eh, I do what I can."

They sat together in a comfortable silence for a good while. Eventually, they went inside and returned to their respective blocks. Alex stretched out on her bed, fidgeting with the colorful bookmark McCullough had made in elementary school. She never expected to find herself in such unknown territory.

Until now, Alex had thought that Piper Chapman was the only one for her. She never thought in a million years she could feel something for anybody else, but she was missing McCullough so much it was agonizing to wait to see her again. She tried to imagine that McCullough was recovering in a hospital bed somewhere, waiting to return to work. She had to return. Alex wasn't sure how she'd survive Litchfield without her CO. "Come back, Arty. Come back so I can tell you I love you too." Alex thought to herself.