Phanfiction - Wonderboy

Part 13 - Dans thoughts

Dan's POV

I kept rewinding the last few days in my head. It started so well.

"Hey, you wanna go with me and my family camping next weekend?"

We talked a little and we were joking. I was feeling amazing in Phils company. And then Lily came. And I slipped into the old Howell phase. I forgot all about how Phil felt about me and Lily after the incident. I clicked out of it when I saw how Phil looked. He just looked down at the table. His face expression showed anger, confusion and sadness.

“Phil, are you okay?” I asked, but I already knew what the problem was.

I just didn’t think he’d react the way he did.

“You can go fuck yourself!” he yelled at me.

I thought I’d heard wrong. Those words come out of Phils mouth? But then he stormed out of Starbucks. I actually got really irritated by the way he reacted. I knew he was jealous, but to make such a big deal out of it. I just stormed after him and grabbed his arm.

“What the hell are you doing?!”

“Leave me the fuck alone!”

It felt like a hit in the stomach everytime he swore at me. And that feeling almost happened physically when he hit me in the face, after I pushed him. I didn’t mean to push him. I really didn’t. But when he kept going on about me and Lily together as a couple I got extremely mad. He didn’t trust me? He didn’t trust me at all! It was impulse action. I really didn’t mean to push him, and I regretted it as soon as I did it. When I saw him laying there on the ground, and the thought about me actually hurting him… I just wanted to pick him up and hug him. I almost felt like crying.

“Phil… Phil, I’m so sorry…” was all I could say, ‘cause I was actually kind of speechless.

But then Phil got up and hit me in the head. My emotions got seriously mixed up. Hate, love, regret, anger, pain, sadness. So I felt numb. It was like the world was spinning, and all sounds started to fade out.

“Leave me alone.” He said, sounding distant.

He didn’t regret anything obviously. My view was in slow motion, and at some moments I found it hard to breathe.

“My pleasure.” I managed to get out in all the blurriness.

And before I knew it Phil was gone. I fell to the ground to control myself, always with a hand covering my eye. I laid there in about 20 seconds when a woman came over and asked if I needed any help. Then I got up and walked home.

I slowly walked up to my room when I got home. I locked the door and just stood there in the middle of my room. I didn’t know what to do. What to feel. But then the pain shot from my eye. I held my hand over my eye and moaned in pain.

Then I got furious. I yelled in pain a frustration. The first thing I did was grab my x-box and crash it into the wall. Then I tore my posters off my wall. Then my parents started knocking on the door and yelling. I threw myself onto my bed, grabbed my pillow and screamed and cried into the pillow, while covering my ears, so I could keep all the voices out.

After an almost sleepless night with me drilling my nails into my head, everytime I thought of Phil, I woke up from my bed. My head hurt a bit, and I felt sick. I hadn’t talked to my family since the yesterday, and I wasn’t planning on doing it. I couldn’t bare all their questions. I sighed and looked at the time. 8:07 a.m. I had to be in school in about 20 minutes. Since it was past 8 my parents was at work.

I looked myself in the mirror and got shocked when I saw that my eye had turned all purple-blue, and you could see where Phils fist had been. I got a lump in my throat when I thought about Phil again, and my eyes started getting watery again. I quickly, but carefully, dried my eyes, put some regular clothes on and just quickly drove a hand through my hair a couple of times. I looked like shit, but it didn’t matter. There was no one to impress anymore that I cared about.

“Fuck shit.” I had whispered.

Because I knew Phil still meant the world to me, but I didn’t know if we would ever be able to solve this out.

I walked over and grabbed the door handle, but found it locked. Oh, that’s right. I locked the door because I was a crazy maniac who destroyed my room. I looked over at my x-box and my torn upped posters. I slapped myself in the forehead, unlocked the door and went down to the kitchen. I quickly grabbed some cereal and ate it as fast as I could. Suddenly I could hear Addison walking down the stairs. I quickly pulled my hood over my head and cleaned the bowl up, my back turned to her.

“Dan?” she said.

“Don’t ask.” I said.

Then I grabbed my bag and walked out the door.

Just as I thought I could try to clear my head, there was Phil, standing there looking at me. I stopped and looked at him. I should’ve just kept on walking, but I was afraid if I moved my legs, they would just run over to him. I didn’t know what to say, but there was no time anyway. He had turned around and started walking the other direction. I stood there like I was frozen. When I couldn’t see Phil anymore I ran. I just ran. I found a bench nearby and sat down.

“Get yourself together Dan! You stupid idiot! What the hell is wrong with you! You know how to do this! You’ve done it before! You can do it again! Just… use the good, old Howell-phase.” My brain had told me.

So that was what I would do. ‘Cause following my heart hadn’t brought much happiness. Well… it had. Actually the most happiness I had ever felt. But now I had never felt more alone and miserable.

“FUCK!” I had yelled, as I stood up and started walking to school.

The rest of the days had been going pretty well. Or so it looked like. The Howell-phase never failed. Not until I was alone at night. I didn’t really sleep much. I cried so many times, just urging after Phils company. But everything was too late now. I hadn’t even spoken to him since. A few times I had made eye contact with him, but he or I did mostly look away quickly.

But this day no one had broken the eye contact. We’d just stared for so long, I was shocked no one noticed. It broke when Jeffrey accidently walked into me. “Sorry dude!” he said and turned around again. My heart was pounding like crazy, and it felt like I’d got kicked in the stomach. I sat down at my seat and breathed slowly in and out, and when school finished, I hurried home.
And now I’m here.