Phanfiction - Wonderboy

Part 17 - Endless crying

Dans POV

When we first went here to North Walsham, I was sitting in the back of the bus with The Gang. After an hour or so, Jeffrey, Mike and I were mooning the car behind the bus. Mrs. Wilson got so mad, she threw me down in front of the bus, next to the free spot. Right next to a sleeping Phil. At first I just tried to act cool, so I plugged in my headset and listened to some music, but as always that didn't help. He was FREAKING RIGHT NEXT TO ME. What was I supposed to do?

And I just looked at him. He looked so peaceful, yet so damaged. You could clearly see, he had lost weight, and his baggy eyes confirmed the lack of sleep. Without thinking I stroked his chin. Just because I missed feeling him. Suddenly it felt nice to sit there. It felt like nothing had happened, and that we were just sitting next to each other, while Phil had fallen asleep. So I just took out my phone. Then suddenly I heard him move his head, and we looked at each other, and the bad feelings came back. Because we weren't fine at all. But that was what I wanted Phil to think. That I was fine.

"Mrs. Wilson placed me here." I said and looked down again.

Phil just looked away.

Then the other went out running. I already didn't really feel like running, but I also knew Phil would stay. And I had decided to try and talk to him. It was a stupid argument, and I knew I would be so much more happy with him than without. So I stayed. And after they left, I found Phil in the living room.

"What do you want?" he had asked. Ouch. I fucking want to sort things out!

"Do you still love me?"

Fuck. And it just popped out of my mouth. But I actually wanted to know. But I didn't want it to be that direct. I still loved Phil just as much as I always have.

"Of course I still love you. There you have it. Now can we just forget about this whole thing?"

Thank god he did, but was he crazy? If he thought I hadn't tried to forget about him at all, then he was crazy. He was about to leave, and I couldn't bear that at all. Impulse action made me grab him and hold him so close into me as I could. If any of the other students came in right there, I wouldn't have given a fuck. And I could've sworn I felt his arms wrap around me too. I cried into his shoulder, because I didn't know what to with myself.

"Don't you think I wish, I could just stop loving you? Don't you?! But I do Phil. I really do." "But does it make a difference?"

He just asked if it makes a difference that I loved him. My love for him is the best thing I can offer him. And if that doesn't make a difference, then there's nothing left to do. And I had never felt more useless, lost and restless. I released Phil and looked at him. And he left me alone.

I stood still for a minute before I slowly walked back to my room. I lay down on my bed and cried. I saw no meaning in life at that moment. And I was all alone. I had no one. I was facing the wall, and hadn't even noticed Lily coming in and sitting next to me. Without really realizing, we had undressed each other. The experience wasn't pleasant at all. Her warm, sweaty body on top of mine felt so wrong, and at one point, I had to bury my face in her hair, just so she wouldn't notice me crying again. But at that moment all I could really think about is how nice it was, to have someone, who cared about you and wanted you.

She started taking her clothes on again, but suddenly she gasped and I saw Phils bright, blue eyes look directly at me, and it was like all air disappeared. And then it only took a moment for me to scream at Lily.

"GET OUT! GET OUT! GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME!"

And then I almost literally pushed her out in the hallway, only in her underwear, but I didn't care at all. Phil probably came to talk to me again, and where does he find me? In bed with Lily, only wearing underpants. He'll never forgive me now. I was disgusted by myself. I opened the door that lead right outside and ran into the forest. I ran my nails down a tree so it started bleeding under the nails, and scratched my neck as hard as I could. Then I screamed and fell to the ground and cried loudly.

And now after many hours passed, I picked myself up from the ground, found the house again, sneaked into the room, put my clothes on and found an old room in the back of the kitchen. There I sat down and leant up against the fridge.

The tears kept on falling from my cheeks. And after a sleepless night, I could suddenly hear the other students walking into the eating hall. I had to see Phil. I just had to. Tears started welling up in my eyes again, but I didn't care. I walked out of the room and stood in the hallway. I feared he was already in the eating hall with all the other, but moments later he came walking my direction. He just looked down all way towards me. I grabbed his shoulders.

"Phil... Phil, will you just please. I never meant to... Can you just... Phil, I'm so sorry, but it's not what it looks like. It really isn't! Please just..."

I couldn't form a sentence, because I was crying so much. Phil removed my hands from his shoulders and looked directly at me.

"You can tell me whatever you want. I will never believe you. Goodbye Dan." Phil said, not changing any emotion in his face.

And then he walked past me. And more pain took over my fragile heart that was already broken into a million pieces. Then Lily came towards me.

"You know what Dan? You're nothing! You think you're so much better than everyone else, but you're not! Why don't you start facing the ugly truth! And I have figured out what's going on with you by the way! You're just a gay faggot, and you know it! I'm saying it again, you're nothing!"

I started walking down towards my room.

"Go cry, I'll let the other know what a gay faggot you are!" Lily shouted.

I packed my stuff and walked down to where the bus held.

The other ones later came, but no one said anything to me. Not even Jeffrey or Mike. When we got on the bus I sat in the middle where no one wants to sit, put my hoodie over my head and looked out the window for 6 hours, always with silent tears running down my cheeks.