Phanfiction - Wonderboy

Part 20 - The letter

(TRIGGER-WARNING: if you have a hard time reading about suicide, skip)

Dans POV

I was lying in bed just looking up in the ceiling. I was home alone, and I was going to be for the next few days, even though it was Monday.

"Your dad and I will be at grandmas a day or two to help her with the house. Addison will be over at Sarah's house the next couple of days too, so you've got the house for yourself, if that's ok. You can maybe invite Phil over, yeah?" my mum had said for about 3 hours ago.

I didn't even answer her. I just turned around and went to my room. She didn't even ask why I'd come home from school early today. She didn't ask me anything anymore. I think she has given up, because she knew I won't tell. I actually didn't talk much with my family ever since Phil and I broke up. Yes. Unfortunately I found me and Phil's relationship as 'Broken up' by now. There was nothing left to save. Phil was obviously not in love with me anymore. I'm surprised he even talked to me today when we bumped together in the hallway. Even though what he said was unpleasant. And what hurt the most is that I now knew it was the last time I would ever see him.

On my table were 11 sleeping pills and a bottle of alcohol. I'd made up my mind. I was never going to forgive myself for hurting Phil so much. I couldn't live with the pain anymore. I just couldn't. And there was no chance that we were ever getting back together now. And that was the only thing that could save me. But Phil hates me. So I've got nothing left.

I sat up with me legs over the edge of the bed and sighed deeply. I took the pills in my hand and the bottle in the other. So this is it. This is actually the end. There goes my only life. I was actually really scared of doing this. It was such a big deal to me. But not to anyone else. No one was going to miss me.

"Fuck it." I said and put the pills in my mouth and poured it down with a big gulp of alcohol.

Then I lay back down on my bed. I could already feel the room spinning. I memorized the letter on my computer. Anyone who would want to read my death note could just touch the mouse, and then it would appear on the screen. I could almost remember everything the letter said:

I have loved Phillip Michael Lester since the day he walked into the classroom. The way his eyes brightened the whole room. I still don't get how his eyes was so damn blue. He had a very special spark in them that made my heart melt every time I looked at him. But it's gone now. The spark in his eyes is gone. Because of me. I have made Phil's beautiful, blue eyes black, and when I look at them, all I get back is hatred. I've made them do that. And absolutely hate myself for that.

The thing Phil and I had was the most beautiful, amazing thing ever. I never knew there could be so much more in life than being popular and having all the girls drool over me. Now I know that all that means nothing to me at all. Because no matter what I was doing, nothing could beat being with Phil. And I can't believe that I could love someone so much, that I was willing to do anything for him. Yes, the big Howell is madly in love with a boy. And I've tried to reject my feelings for him a million times, but he's stuck in my heart.

Howell never really treated people right. To be honest, I was a douchebag. I went to parties, hooked up with girls, and then broke their hearts. And I could do that with a smirk on my face and go brag about it to the other guys. But then Phil changed me. He made me a better person. I wasn't Howell to him, I was Dan. But it slipped at times when Lily and the other from school were around. And Howell came back. And he would just sit there and watch Phil's fragile heart get broken more and more.

I knew how it must've looked when I goofed around with Lily at the football field. That was the first time I really hurt him. So I should've thought about that while flirting with Lily at Starbucks. I would probably have reacted the same way as he did. I'm the biggest idiot in the world. But I truly mean that it wasn't on purpose. I would NEVER hurt Phil on purpose. But I did hurt him again, for the second time. This time it was also physical pain. And I deserved to get a fist in the face. I deserve a million more. Because what I did to Phil afterwards was horrible. He caught me in bed with Lily. And the expression on his face when he saw me... I will never get that image out of my mind. And I can tell you for sure, it's an image that I can't live with. I hurt him in any possible way someone could ever hurt a person. I was supposed to protect him, and take care of him, and instead I destroy him.

I hate Howell. He's the most selfish, stupid, emotionless, coldhearted bastard that exists. And right now he's already trying to blame anyone else. I am Howell. Howell is not another person. It's me. I can't keep acting like I'm two persons, when I'm not. I might act differently, but inside I'm still me. And that's what's killing me. I can't just toss Howell, the worse half of me, away. I'm a terrible human being, and I don't deserve to be here.

 

I'm deeply sorry mum and dad. I know I'm a failure at being your son. You probably want me dead by now, if I wasn't already. I'm not supposed to be into boys, I know that. I can't help it. I'm sorry. And that I'm just leaving without saying anything. I'm so fucking stupid. Yes. I'm not smart, I'm not straight, I'm not anything you wanted me to be. I'm sorry, but just know that I tried to change. I really did. I'm sorry.

Also sorry Addison. You've really helped through a lot, and I couldn't have asked for a better sister. I'm sorry I'm not going to be there to protect you anymore, but in real life, you were almost protecting me more than I was protecting you.

But mostly my apologies goes to Phil. I never wanted to hurt him. That absolutely the last thing I wanted to do. And yet, that's exactly what I ended up doing. So that's why I decided to leave. I love Phil, but it's literally killing me to see what I'm doing to him. I'm sorry.

 

I closed my eyes and darkness started to take over. My mind started to clear every single thought in my head, though one thought stuck in my brain. The last thing I thought about before it all turned black.

Phil.