Phanfiction - Wonderboy

Part 15 - Feelings getting ripped up again

Phils POV

“You can all read, on the papers, on the wall, which room you are sleeping in and with whom.” mrs. Wilson said, when we had lifted all our stuff into the eating hall.

I found my name on the third note.

THE GREY ROOM

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Simon

Phil

Adam

Greg

 

I was so thankful I didn’t get to share room with Jeffrey or Mike. They would’ve been a pain in the ass. But it sounded like they didn’t get to share rooms either, because Mike was already complaining to mrs. Wilson, about not getting in the same room as Dan and Jeffrey. Dan was just standing, talking with Jeffrey, Lily and Jeffrey, again with a smile on his face. How can he just stand there and smile all the time? I don’t even remember what it feels like to smile, or be happy, and he just walks around smiling like a freaking maniac!

I couldn’t pretend though. I could look like I didn’t care, I think. Because no one have asked. Except for Carrie. She kind of asks all the time. But I never answer properly. I always change the subject. Like I don’t care. But Dan always smile. I didn’t get it. What was he smiling for? What was so funny? I wish I could read his mind to see what he was thinking. Because even though he smiled all the time, he showed no emotion. It kind of scared me that a person I once were with every day, suddenly feels like a stranger to me. No, me? I just felt complete numbness. I knew I wasn’t happy, but at least my heart didn’t feel like a big, black whole anymore. I didn’t feel anything. But it was defiantly better than pain.

I took my bag and found ‘The grey room’.

“Oh god. It’s literally the grey room.”

Everything in there was grey. The door, the walls, the curtains, the bunk beds, and the carpets. The room was hideous. But my guess what that the other rooms, blue, green, and brown, was just as hideous. I started make my bed, as the other boys came in. Luckily for me, they all did the same and changed to pajamas and got in bed.
I fell asleep really quick again, and woke up the next day after a peaceful night’s sleep. It was the best sleep I’d had for weeks now. Maybe it was because it was nice to get away from home for a while, or maybe it was just because, Dan was in the next room.

Evening…

 

I was sitting in the living room, in front of the fireplace, reading a book. Adam suddenly came in, wearing a tracksuit.

“Hey Phil. We’re all going out for a late night run. Are you coming?” he said.

“No thanks, I’m just going to stay in.” I said and gave him a weak smile.

“You sure? Everybody else is going?” he tried again.

“It’s ok. Have fun.” I said.

He sighed and left again. After about 5 minutes, I could see them all disappearing into the forest. I returned to my book.

“So you didn’t want to go running either?” a voice behind me said.

I turned my head to find Dan standing in the door. My heart froze completely.

“ACT COOL!” my mind screamed at me.

I turned my head down to my book again.

“Nah, I don’t really see the meaning in going out running, in the middle of the night, in mud and rain.” I answered cold.

Dan sat down upper sit of me and looked into the fireplace.

“Yeah, I didn’t want to go either.” Dan said.

What the hell was he doing?  He hasn’t spoken to me in 3 weeks, and now he does? What was his purpose in doing this? Did he think that we could just act like nothing has happened and have a chat? Is he really that stupid? After about a minute of silence, I broke it.

“What do you want?”

It came out a little harsher, than it supposed to.

“Take a guess, Lester.” Dan answered.

“Well honestly, I don’t know. You haven’t spoken to me in 3 weeks…”

“See, there it is again. Why is it that I have to be the one, who has to take the first step? Why not you?” Dan interrupted.

“Oh, let’s see. Maybe because if it weren’t for you, we wouldn’t have ended up like this?” I answered.

“It’s not my fault you’re so fucking jealous.” Dan said.

“I saw, what I saw.” I said.

“You saw nothing! There’s absolutely nothing going on between me and Lily, you’re just too damn selfish to face it!” Dan said and looked into the fire again.

I really didn’t feel like having this conversation. It just made all the feeling come rushing back again.

“Was it necessary to hit me?” Dan suddenly said.

“What is this, Dan? Third degree interrogation?” I questioned back.

“Do you still love me?” Dan asked, as the last thing I thought he would ever ask.

“What kind of question is that?” I asked confused.

“Just answer me please.” Dan said.

The question wasn’t hard to answer. Of course I still loved him. I missed him like crazy, and the time I had spent with him, had been the happiest I had ever been. I couldn’t tell him that though.

“Of course I still love you. There you have it. Now can we forget about this whole thing?” I said and stood up.

I was about to leave when Dan grabbed my arm and pulled me in to him, put his arms around me and hugged me so hard that I could barely breathe.

“Don’t you think I want to forget all this? Don’t you think I want to stop caring? Don’t you think I want to stop thinking about us constantly? Don’t you think I just want to forget this whole damn thing, and go back to being standard happy again? Don’t you think I wish, I could just stop loving you? Don’t you?!”

The last words came out with sobbing.

“But I do Phil. I really do.” Dan said and hid his face in my shoulder.

“But does it make any difference?” I asked.

Dan looked up at me questioningly, with tears in his eyes. He let go of me and I took my book and left the room.