Kabanata 19
Nilanghap ko ang sariwang hangin sa bukid sa fourlanes nang makababa ako ng sasakyan ni Riguel.
Gabi na kaya mahangin, malamig, at maganda ang paligid. Maraming nangyayari pero kalmado ang daloy ng lahat.
Nilingon ko siya habang papalapit sa akin at nagpplanong umupo din sa gilid ko para panuorin ang bukid at ang mga sasakyan at ilaw sa bayan.
"I'm sorry you had to hear those things from Asthra." Yumuko siya.
Natawa lang akong bahagya. Wasn't he mad at me?
"Yeah. It's okay. Atleast iyon ang totoo." I answered.
Natahimik kaming pareho.
"Riguel." I called.
Hindi s'ya sumagot pero alam kong willing s'yang makinig sa sasabihin ko.
"Bakit hindi mo ako..."
Sumisikip ang dibdib ko kaya napatigil ako sa pagsasalita, sa takot kong magcrack ang boses ko at mag end up na ngumangawa.
"Bakit hindi ka nagtry na makinig sa akin." Napayuko ako.
I sure know that he knows what I am talking about.
"You know. You never even said anything, kahit messages. I didn't know where to look for you. It's not that...It's not that I wanted to push myself to you because I love you that time eh, you know."
Oo naman I admit gusto ko rin somehow ipush ang sarili ko pero I realized I did what I did to save him from a life he wouldn't want.
"Kasi...haha." Nagbabadya na ang mga luha sa mata ko.
"Kala ko ba friends tayo? You didn't even hear me out. I only did that kasi I don't want you to lose your dreams. I was the one who knows how much you've hated 'yang company n'yo pero dahil kay Asthra, you're throwing your dreams away! And I hated that."
Sinubukan kong itago ang luha sa mga mata ko. "Ever since you left without a word, I was left hanging around, thinking na the blame's all on me. I learned to believe na lahat ng ginawa ko ay para sakin lang kasi no one was there for me, to say na it's not my fault, no one tried to understand me. Not even you."
"Nagalit ka agad and iniwan mo ako. Did you even know na it was because I don't want you to lose the only thing you want in your life, ang pagkakataong takbuhan palayo ang kumpanya n'yo?"
I heard him sigh. "That was before Asthra came."
"Nawalan na ako ng pakialam sa pangarap na 'yon when I started to learn loving her. Celeste, it was my decision to give it up and you meddled with it. I was devastated because I feel bad for Asthra, and I had to go away from you because it felt like you betrayed me."
"Parang nasira ako eh." He faked his laugh.
Maybe yes, of course may kasalanan pa din ako.
"You know. My only mistake was I loved you, while you love Asthra already. I will not be sorry again, for what I did, for how I loved you. I just realized that today sa haba ng panahon na hinahanap kita and Asthra to say sorry."
"I understand that. I wanted to fix things with you because I'm learning to understand the decision you've made before."
"Yeah." Bumuntong hininga ako.
"I'm sorry for leaving without a word, after putting all the blame on you."
Yes, be sorry. Kidding aside, ang hirap kasi nang ginawa mo sa akin Riguel, you left me hanging and thinking that everything was on me, that I am selfish, I only think of myself. To the point na I learned to believe those things about me at dinadala ko ang mga 'yon hanggang ngayon mismo.
"I'm already done with this, though." Humalakhak ako. "May bago akong problema and it's your brother." Pinunasan ko ang mga luha ko at sinubukang pagaanin ang sarili bago siya lingunin.
"Leave him." Deretso niyang sinabi at nilingon ako.
Sumikip ang dibdib ko dahil may binabadya pang banggitin ang labi niya.
"May girlfriend siya sa Manila, before and even after your wedding, they have a relationship. That's how I knew he was using you to get back at me, and maybe to you too? We all know ikaw ang reason bakit nasa kumpanya siya."
I can't hold back my tears anymore dahil sa sakit ng mga narinig ko. Tang ina, I already love him!
"I love him." Napayuko ako at patuloy nang nagcrack ang boses ko kasabay ang madaming luha sa mata ko.
"I didn't want to, 'nong una." I explained. "Edi I'm fucked up na naman."
I can see him from my peripheral view, alam kong naaawa siya sa itsura ko ngunit nanatili siya sa kanyang pwesto.
Why do I always have to go through this phase sa pag-ibig. In this case, it'll take much time for me to forget him.
To forget again.
How can he even fake everything. Kala ko mahal na ako eh.
Wala akong nakitang signs ng letseng kasinungalingan.
After that night, I didn't even had the chance to hear anything from him. Nawala nalang siya bigla. I assume nasa Manila siya, baka kasama ang girlfriend niya, nagkkwentuhan kung paano o gaano ako katanga.
Hindi man lang ako pinaliwanagan after that night.
I already gave him my all. Paano niya nagagawa 'yon? He's fucking disgusting. Having sex with me na akala mo mahal na mahal ako, may girlfriend pala. What a fucking cheater. Basura bwisit!
Pero to be honest, kahit nabbwisit ako sa kanya, I know he still has this space in my heart, the version of him that was fake. Iyon ang minahal ko at mahal ko up to now.
And that's what hurting me the most because everything we had was all fake for him. If it wasn't, then maybe he'd be here? Baka nagttry siyang magpaliwanag.
"What were you thinking? Focus, baka madala ka ng treadmill." Natauhan ako sa dahil sa pagsita sa akin ng fitness coach kong si Uri.
"Sorry, Uri."
It's been months ever since I left Bataan. I'm currently taking my time here in Sorsogon, to refresh myself. Malayo sa lahat, fresh start kahit binding parin syempre ang marriage namin ni Rafael.
"You have plans later?" Aniya.
Napakunot ang noo ko sa pag-iisip. "Wala ata. Are you gonna invite me for coffee? Yes agad, haha." Sambit ko habang patuloy pa din ang pagtakbo sa treadmill.
"Yes, afternoon maybe?"
"Yeah yeah. I'll call you, usual ba? You gonna pick me up sa hotel?"
"Yes."
"Ok."
Uri is a friend whom I've met here in Sorsogon, and that's just 5 months ago lang. He's not someone I'm looking forward to have a relationship with. Literal na friends lang kami.
Uri navigated my social life dito in Sorsogon. If it weren't for him, edi boring ang stay ko dito kasi baka puro drama, puro senti.
"Uri." I called nang mapansing papalayo na siya sa akin.
Bumaling siya sa akin at nababasa ko agad sa mukha niya ang expression niyang nagtatanong ng "Bakit?"
Humalakhak ako. "Pasama din grocery later, thanks!"
Tumango lang siya at tinalikuran na ako para maipagpatuloy na ang gagawin niya. I smiled. "Thank you God for Uri." Sa aking isip.
