Kabanata 21
Nangangatog parin ang tuhod ko dahil sa mga balita from my Dad.
Rafael's grandma passed away just yesterday, noong nasa dinner ako together with Uri and his family, kaya pala nagmamadali si Cyna sa pag-alis.
I just can't bear the thought that Rafael was badly hurt for sure. His Lola was his everything.
While I'm on my way home, I tried calling him few times already, ni-isa sa mga call ko ay wala siyang sinagot kaya nagtipa nalang ako ng mensahe para sa kanya.
Rafael:
I already heard everything from Dad. I'm so sorry Rafael. When I get there, please let's talk.
Walang pag-aalangan kong sinend iyon kay Rafael. I know I shouldn't talk about those things to him, because he just lost someone dear to him. Someone who meant the world to him.
Matagal ang byahe mula Sorsogon papuntang Manila, inabot na ako ng anong oras sa flight na 'to only to find out na nasa Bataan na siya.
Halos hilamusin ko ang mukha ko dahil sa frustration. That was so quick! Hindi na siya nagheld pa ng funeral!
Walang ano ano ay doon ako dumeretso sa bahay namin ni Rafael. Hindi ko na alam kung nasaan siya because he's not responding to any of my calls o kahit messages man lang.
Kaya sinubukan ko nalang siyang antayin sa sala, nakatulog na ako sa pag-aantay sa kaniya.
Nagising na lamang ako nang marinig ang pag bukas ng pintuan. It's already evening, sa haba ng tulog ko ay hindi ko na namalayan pa ang oras.
Saktong pag tayo ko mula sa sofa ay bumukas ang ilaw. Nasilayan ko agad si Rafael, standing just few feet away from me.
His eyes looked weary, he looked restless, cold, and blank. Pagod siya, and he doesn't look well.
Nanlambot ako, wala akong ibang naramdaman kundi ang urge na yakapin siya but something's just stopping me from doing it.
"Why are you here?" Malamig niyang itinanong. It was cold, and it felt as if like he doesn't want me here.
Napalunok ako at bahagyang napayuko. "I'm..." nanunuyo ang lalamunan ko and it's stopping me from talking. "I'm sorry for your lost, Rafael."
"Leave."
Akmang tatalikuran niya na ako pero kusang humabol ang mga paa ko sa kaniya at natanto ko nalang ang sarili kong nakahawak sa sleeves nya only to stop him from walking away from me.
"Talk to me, please." Halos bulong na pagkasabi ko habang nakayuko, because my eyes were already building up tears.
"Raf, I'm sorry I wasn't here for you. Andito na ako oh, please let's talk." Mabilis kong sinabi. I was hoping we could talk about us pero kahit hindi na, I love him and I was guilty because, I was not here with him.
He looked at me coldly. "Who says I needed you here?" He then started walking away from me.
His words were slowly crushing me inside, parang pinipiga ang puso ko. It made me think na baka ako nga lang talaga ang may kailangan sa kanya if things went bad for me? That everything we had was all for show lang sa kanya, na totoo lahat ng sinasabi ni Riguel about him.
He was a few steps away from me, paakyat na siya sa hagdanan when he started talking again. "You're disgusting." Aniya without even looking at me.
"I'm not buying your alibi's, Celeste. Cyna told me everything she knew yesterday. You're a cheater, you're disgusting." Those were his last words before paving his way to his room, leaving me dumbfounded.
Nanginginig ako dahil sa mga nangyari. I'm not mad, naguguluhan lang talaga ako sa mga nangyayari.
Am I wrong? What went wrong if he really did loved me?
Parang naging gelatin ang mga tuhod ko from all the things happening and ambushing me all at once. Pinunasan ko ang mga luha na nagbabadya na namang pumatak mula sa mga mata ko bago tinahak ang daan palabas ng bahay na 'yon. The house we used to call our home.
Hindi ko narealize na dito na ako nakatulog sa sasakyan. Nagising nalang ako mula sa ingay ng phone kong kaninang kanina pa pala tumutunog mula sa sandamakmak na missed calls from my Dad.
I opened every message there was to read, only to find out na Rafael informed him about how he wanted a divorce.
It's making me tear up. My fucking gosh.
In a snap, ang buong mundo ko ay gumuguho na.
Dali dali akong bumaba sa sasakyan at pumasok sa loob ng bahay namin, inabutan ko si Rafael doon na nagpapahangin sa taas na parte ng bahay, sa balcony.
"Rafael." Tawag ko. "Please naman, mag-usap naman tayo!" My voice cracked.
Nang lingunin niya ako ay wala akong mabasang kahit isang emosyon man lang sa kaniya.
"Tell me, what have I done wrong?" Deretso lamang ang tingin niya sa akin and it's making me feel crazy. "I've been wanting to ask you this, ano ba mahal mo ba talaga ako?"
I was almost shouting my heart out asking that question. "Ano?" Pag-ulit ko. Realizing that if he answers this question not according to my liking, guguho talaga ang mundo ko ang it'll all be over for me.
"Was this really my fault?" Tuluyan nang pumatak ang luha sa mga mata kong kanina ko pa hinohold back.
"Nothing matters anymore, but yes, I loved you. I just don't want this anymore. I don't want you anymore. I was disappointed, I was devastated and every fucking time na nakikita kita, it just makes me feel worse. Gusto kong mawala ka nalang sa buhay ko, nakakwalang gana."
I can feel the anger rushing inside me after kong marinig ang lahat ng iyon mula sa kaniya. Tang ina bakit hindi sa akin nanggagaling lahat ng 'to?
"Rafael ano ba! I should be the one telling you that! How could you use me for getting back at Riguel? Ha? How could you just ghost me? Ano ha?"
"That night, I already know you chose him kaya bakit pa kita hahabulin? Wondering why I'm certain? Ayan oh. Tang ina, Riguel still matters more ano? And what, who's that again, iyong lalaki mo?" Palapit na siya nang palapit sa akin at nararamdaman ko na ang nakakanginig na takot dahil galit na siya kagaya ko.
"Oh, that fucking Uri and your busy sexlife? Ano? Tang ina Celeste, you're disgusting! Can't believe I fucking loved you." Nabigla ako nang halos hawiin niya ako sa daan para lang makaalis siya sa harap ko.
I was fucking crying my eyes out when he left. Wala na akong lakas to come after him and to explain myself because I realized na ako yung mali.
Bakit hindi ako naniwala sa kaniya? Memories of him telling me na huwag maniwala kay Riguel started to just filled my mind and it made me want to slap myself so hard.
Kasalanan ko lahat.
