Sutures and Secrets | Mark Sloan

4 | A Mistake to Remember

01x05

It's been a few weeks since I started my internship. Meredith was looking for new roommates and since I couldn't bear living in that trailer anymore, I decided to move in with her. At first she wasn't too fond of the idea, but then she took Izzie, George and me in. Derek acted devastated about my decision, but I could tell that he was happy, since living in a narrow space with me really isn't that easy. So I can't blame him.

Living with Mer, Izzie and George turned out to be a lot more annoying than I expected. Izzie and George are just too happy and Mer is too depressed. The best of both worlds. But I'm gonna try not to complain, because at least I don't have to live in the woods anymore.

One morning, I arrived at the hospital, excited to perform a major open-heart surgery with Dr. Burke. I haven't been able to perform a single open-heart surgery yet, because Cristina kept stealing them. But today was the day.

I didn't sleep a lot the night before, because I was basically sucking in all kinds of books about open-heart surgery. That's why I kept nodding off during surgery, leading to the patient's heart almost slipping out of my hand. "It's okay. I'm done. You can release Mrs. Patterson's heart now, very gently.", Burke said. When we finished the procedure, we waited for her heart to start beating on its own. Nothing. Even after Burke massaged the heart to get a rhythm, nothing happened. That's when Burke took the paddles and we had to shock her twice until her heart started beating. Surgery was done. As I turned away from the table, I noticed that my fingernail had punctured my glove, which made me worried, that I had done something to Mrs. Patterson's heart.

As I was walking out of the OR, thinking about my punctured glove, Derek approached me: "Hey! I heard you did a CABG with Burke. Did you get to hold the heart?" "Yeah.", I said. "It's an amazing feeling. You never forget the first time." "It was pretty great just to watch. Vicarious thrills, you know?", George, who was walking right behind us, added. "Yeah.", I said, again.

If I'm being honest, I wasn't even listening to them. The only thing I could think about, was me potentially puncturing that woman's heart. As we were waiting for the elevator, I could tell that Derek was worried about my weird behaviour, but I just couldn't tell him what was wrong. George and I then stepped into the elevator. "See you later.", Derek said. "Bye."

When we entered the elevator, I told George what had happened. He reassured me, that everything was going to be okay and that he's sure that I didn't puncture Mrs. Patterson's heart. He was probably right. At least I had hoped so. At that point, I simply wanted my shift to finally end, since Izzie had planned a party for that night and I wanted to drink away my thoughts.

The rest of the day I put a really close eye on Mrs. Patterson, monitoring her and checking her levels.

As I was charting at the nurse's station, Derek approached me. He could tell, that something was wrong. "You okay?", he asked. "Yeah. Yeah. I'm good." "Are you sure? Because you seem not okay." I couldn't tell him, so I just lied. "I'm fine. CABG was long." "Well, then let me come to your party tonight. You can tell me all about it." "You know about the party?" I looked at him in confusion. "Thanks for not inviting me. That felt good." As we were about to continue our conversation, a nurse paged me. Something was wrong with Mrs. Patterson.

When I arrived at Mrs. Patterson's bed, Nurse Tyler told me that there was swelling over her sternum and that blood started gushing. Burke arrived and I updated him on her labs. After hesitating for a few seconds, I confessed about the popped glove, thinking that I had possibly punctured Mrs. Patterson's heart.

"What are you thinking about? You had every opportunity to speak up before I closed her chest. Every opportunity. Suction", Burke said, as he was operating on Mrs. Patterson's heart. "I'm sorry." "And then you confess in front of her husband? You don't even know if you were the cause. You have no idea." "I'm sorry.", I said, once again. Burke then gestured for me to step closer. "Over here. There. Look at the wall rupture. It's a hell of a lot more than a fingernail. Her ventricular walls are weak. I swallowed, relieved that I didn't cause Mrs. Patterson's heart-rupture.