growing up i had always dreamed of falling in love, getting married and being the best mother to three little girls. As you grow up though sometimes you learn what not everything you dreamt of can become a reality that that is hard to face, what's harder though is coming to the realization that you can also fall out of love, or more importantly someone can fall out of love with you.
Going through a break up is never easy, you have to come to terms with the fact that either that person no longer loves you, or they never did. But going through a break up in front of hundreds of thousands of people, well that sucked even more. Especially when every night you have to sing the songs that you had written about them when you thought they would be forever.
I had always praised myself for remaining professional and never letting my personal life come onto the stage with me but singing a love song while being heartbroken is a pain i didn't think i would have to go through again. I thought my last relationship would be it, we would get married and have children, we would grow old together and be in love until we die.
But right now i am standing on a huge stage with my dancers all around me while i sing a love song and try to hold back the waterfall of tears that are slowly making their way out of my eyes.
The ERAS tour was something that i had been working on for nearly a year and i was so excited to start it, now i am counting down the months until it finishes. I was nothing more than to crawl into my own bed in my own home and completely disappear from the world.
Tonight's show ahs finished with my final bow and i walk off the platform from the stage and make my way straight to my dressing room. Not even caring to take off my stage clothes i fall onto the couch and close my eyes, letting out a loud sigh
The worst part off this whole situation wasn't that i was heartbroken, it was that i was heartbroken while also realizing that i have feelings for someone else.
I would never cheat in a relationship ever, but while i was dating Joe i had always noticed Travis. He was one of my dancers for the tour and he was amazing, not just as a dancer but as a person too.
Each time we would rehearse i would always catch myself staring at Travis for a few seconds too long or moving closer to him when we were all taking notes on what to improve on. He was the first person i said hello to and the last i said goodbye to, The first person to make sure i was okay after a show and the last to hug me good luck before i went on stage.
I knew that i was in a relationship so i always pushed these feelings down whenever i felt them come to the surface but now that Joe had broken up with me and i no longer had the guilt of having feelings for someone else when i was meant to be in a committed relationship i was free to let these feelings roam around in my head, Although i would never make a move on Travis, he is my dancer and i his boss. It is off limits.
When i was crying on stage i was never crying over the love that i no longer had, but instead the love that i have always wanted but i knew that deep down i would never get. It is too hard to love me, I am too much work and people don't like that.
Joe wasn't the love that i pictured myself to have, at the start he was like a dream but as the time went on he grew more and more annoyed at the amount of eyes that were always on us, he grew annoyed at my friends and family always wanting to spend time with me and of course he took the anger he had out on me, Every time.
"Hey Taylor did you still want to come out with everyone?" Travis' question pulls me away from my thoughts and makes me focus on him as he leans on the doorway of my dressing room
"Not tonight, but i hope you have fun" I move to sit up on the couch
Every time we went into a new city, on the opening night the whole crew would go out and just spend some time together while we all had fun, but tonight i didn't feel like going.
