UNBREAKABLE

Chapter 29

"WE TRIED EVERYTHING to save her." The words played on my mind over and over again. They tried everything, but it wasn't good enough. I want my baby. I want our little girl.

Since we came home from the hospital, Art has never left my side. Whenever I sob in silence, he whispers how much he loves me. He kept repeating in my ears that we would get through this together. But how could we? Could we?

It had been a month of longing and indescribable sadness. Judging by the tears I had been crying, I never thought I had that much water inside me, more so the patience Art had in him. In my heart and mind, I am aware I'm not the only one who has lost a child. I'm aware Art and I are together in agony and pain this experience has brought. But the feeling of unbearable pain, this unexplainable hurt of carrying a child for nine months, feeling her movements, sharing a heartbeat, which in the end seemed to be for nothing. It was like a gigantic ball of torture, heartbreak, and heartache hitting me in all parts of my body and crossing over through my heart and soul.

It felt endless, boundless, and irreparable. There were days when I felt nothing. When there is no pain, I feel like I am floating in a never-ending blankness. There is nothing to feel, just numbness. My brain doesn't even seem to exist. It's like a clean sheet of paper no one wants to write on.

Avery comes and sees me every day. Even without words, we feel each other's pain. Aside from Art and me, my best friend is the next to have witnessed all the joys and excitement the pregnancy brought into my life. She practically shared everything with me from the start. And I'm sure if another person shares this pain with us, it will be my best friend.

It may seem different from other's points of view, but I am trying my best to continue living every day. I commend Art for being so understanding and patient with me. Despite going through the same experience, he must also carry me through. Seeing him be my rock through this unstable phase in our lives made me love him more. I would understand if he now feels differently about me. I also hate seeing myself now from before. But I hate it more, feeling so vulnerable and hopeless.

How I wish when a woman gets pregnant, she also prepares for a possible loss. It makes her understand that despite all the preparations from pre-natal to baby stuff, birthing classes, and taking care of the baby when they arrive, there is also a therapy session for when the pregnancy could end as it ended mine.

Remembering our first few nights after returning from the hospital made me realize the idea. While every new parent was home cuddling their newborns, some couples, like Art and me, were home crying together on our first night back.

Once we parked outside the house, an unspoken silence covered us. I could feel Art's hand shaking as he held mine. Our hands unconsciously touched my belly when we lay in bed for the night, a routine we did every night. Every night, we felt the baby's kick. We talked to her to tell her how much we loved her. And that broke our hearts more, realizing we went home alone without her.

I remembered from stories before that with every loss comes pain-the pain of longing combined with grief. One must go through this process to let go, move on, and eventually forget.

How could we forget her? The baby's room is beside our bedroom in my family home. We painted everything pink and yellow. Beside the crib is the rocking chair I had been practicing sitting on, expecting to do countless daily feedings. The baby dresser boasts pink, yellow, green, and red dresses and other clothing supplies for a lifetime. A mural of different Princesses surrounds the walls of the room. On top of the dresser are different frames of me and Art holding my baby bump and ultrasound pictures. And one of my favorite pictures of us with Avery and our parents during my baby shower.