Was It All For Nothing? - By Sarah Jaju

Realisation (Chapter 38)

Min-Jae:

The previous night, our seonsaengnimdeul (teachers) had arranged a movie-night for all of us, and we had an amazing time watching Be With You. The only downside was that after sleeping at 2am, we had to get up at 6:30 the next morning, because we were going to go for a picnic to Seopjikoji, which was scenic coastal area with beautiful views.

Although we had a great time there, the only thought that kept hovering in my mind was about the note. It was clear that Hae-Ri had been hiding something from me, and I needed to know what it was. Despite my continuous efforts, there had been nothing that I managed to get out of her. She must've been suspecting that I knew something, because every time I tried to talk to her, I watched as she grew jittery.

When we got back to Glamping Jeju, my mind had been all over the place. I couldn't focus on anything that anyone said, and I kept picturing the note that was still in my pocket.

"Min-Jae Yah!"

I had to figure it out soon, but I didn't know how.

"Min-Jae!"

There seemed to be no way out, as I was certain that Hae-Ri would deny everything that I asked her. She was adamant about it.

"CHOI MIN-JAE!"

Suddenly I realised that someone had been calling me, and I looked up with wide eyes, because something just clicked in my head. My face turned as hard as rock, and I saw Hae-Ri sigh as she walked into her tent, shaking her head. No matter how hard I tried, I hadn't been able to get a word out of my mouth to answer her...because I just realised something.

*flashback from 3 years ago (2 weeks before Min-Jae's birthday) - Senior year in highschool*

I was coming back from cheyuk sueob (PE class), when I heard a couple of voices whispering from behind the storage room...

"Hajima!" (Stop!)

That voice sounded like Hae-Ri's...

"Neoneun joahae, Choi-" (You like, Choi-)

I was stunned as I heard my last name, and decided to peek inside, only to find Hae-Ri's hand cupping Jessica's mouth to prevent her from finishing her sentence. I decided to not think much of it, and walked back to class, because after all, there were many other people with the surname, 'Choi', in our school.

*end of flashback*

It could only mean one thing, right? My heart pounded in my chest, almost like it was going to jump out. How had I not realised the connection between the conversation that Jessica and Hae-Ri had, and the note that Hae-Ri passed on to me 2 weeks later? 

I wanted to cry with agitation, frustration and self-annoyance. Never had I thought that I could regret something that I hadn't done, that bad.

𝘉𝘶𝘵 𝘸𝘩𝘢𝘵'𝘴 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘱𝘰𝘪𝘯𝘵 𝘯𝘰𝘸, I thought to myself. 𝘞𝘩𝘢𝘵𝘦𝘷𝘦𝘳 𝘩𝘢𝘱𝘱𝘦𝘯𝘦𝘥, 𝘩𝘢𝘥 𝘩𝘢𝘱𝘱𝘦𝘯𝘦𝘥 3 𝘺𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘴 𝘢𝘨𝘰, 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘣𝘦𝘴𝘪𝘥𝘦𝘴...𝘴𝘩𝘦'𝘴 𝘸𝘪𝘵𝘩 𝘏𝘢𝘦-𝘑𝘶𝘯 𝘯𝘰𝘸. 

I was internally screaming. I didn't know what to do with myself. I just couldn't accept the fact that I had completely lost my chance when it had been laid out right in front of me. All of a sudden, I found myself running. I didn't know where I was going, and for once, I just let my feet lead me without giving it any thought. I ran and I ran...I ran till I was completely out of breath, and felt like throwing up. My throat felt dry, and my palms were drenched in sweat. It was a terrible feeling of contrition and lament.

I sluggishly walked towards the nearest water filter, eager to quench my thirst.

I stood on in front of the filter, unaware of the exchange of dialogue that was going to take place on the other side of the wall...unaware of how much it would affect me. 

As I gulped the water down my throat, I heard a familiar voice speaking with a low volume, but it had been loud enough for me to catch every single word of it.

"Kheundae...what should I do?" (But)

𝘈𝘪𝘴𝘩! (Damn it!) 𝘗𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘴𝘦 𝘥𝘰𝘯'𝘵 𝘣𝘦 𝘏𝘢𝘦-𝘙𝘪, 𝘱𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘴𝘦. 𝘐 𝘤𝘢𝘯'𝘵 𝘧𝘢𝘤𝘦 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘳𝘪𝘨𝘩𝘵 𝘯𝘰𝘸, I repeated over and over again, even though I knew that I could recognise that voice from a thousand miles away.

"You have to tell him, Hae-Ri. You shouldn't keep it from him, anymore. Especially if he's constantly asking you about it, think of what he must be going through right now...trying to figure out what you're hiding!"

𝘞𝘢𝘪𝘵 𝘢 𝘴𝘦𝘤𝘰𝘯𝘥, 𝘪𝘴 𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘴 𝘢𝘣𝘰𝘶𝘵 𝘮𝘦? I immediately recognised Jessica's voice, and the feeling of Deja vú washed over me. I knew that I shouldn't have been listening to their conversation, but I just couldn't seem to pull away, knowing that they were talking about me...and the note.

"BUT HOW WOULD HE FEEL IF HE FOUND OUT THAT I LIKED HIS BROTHER!?"

I

     fel

              t everythi

                                      ng   g

                                               o   black