Was It All For Nothing? - By Sarah Jaju

Facing her fears (Chapter 30)

Hae-Ri:

My sight slowly returned as I regained consciousness. 

This was deja-vu; I was lying down, but this time, I wasn't in a bed, and instead I was in the back of a taxi?! I tilted sideways, and suddenly felt a pair of  cupped hands grabbing my face.

"Hae-Ri yah!" Hae-Jun exclaimed with wide eyes.

"Mmm...don't tell me I fainted again.." I pleaded.

"Hae-Ri, mianhe. Jinja mian," Hae-Jun said, with a distressed face. (Sorry. I'm really sorry.)

"Mweo? Wae?" I asked, suddenly remembering, "Oh...don't be. I overreacted, I don't know what happened, it was like I wasn't in control of my emotions. It was scary, and I didn't wanna fight with you but I was so overwhelmed and-"   (What? Why?)

Hae-Jun gently placed a finger on my lips, "Hae-Ri yah...I get it, but it isn't normal for a person to faint so often. That's why we're going to the hospital."

"Mweo?! Aish, that's unnecessary!" I said, and even though I knew that it was the right thing to do, I didn't want to face the million questions that the doctors would raid me with, especially not at that moment. (What?! Damn it)

Hae-Jun must've read my expression that gave me away, and gave me a pitying look which I somehow couldn't stand. The cold air of the AC hit my face, and I decided to speak my mind before overthinking it. I got up from Hae-Jun's lap, and smoothed out my clothes.

"Okay, fine! I'm not okay, and I'm stressed all the time because of my parents and I'm scared that I'm going to loose you but I love you so much and just the thought of it drives me crazy and I feel like I could have a mental breakdown any second but I don't wanna let anyone down! And then there's Min-Jae who likes me and I really hated rejecting him because he's always been a great friend, and Jessica just started dating my brother so I don't wanna burden her with my problems, whereas if I tell you all this negative shit then it would feel like I'm just venting to you for absolutely no reason when we're supposed to be having a happy relationship right now! There, I've said it," I said, inhaling a deep breath. God, I needed to stop speaking in such huge paragraphs!

"Hae-Ri...at this point, I don't even know what to say. Why is this so tough? I just-"

The taxi stopped, we were in front of the hospital.

"We're going to talk after this," Hae-Jun demanded. 

...

We sat in the waiting room, and I was getting both nervous and impatient.

 𝐴𝑚 𝐼 𝑚𝑖𝑠𝑠𝑖𝑛𝑔 𝑐𝑙𝑎𝑠𝑠? 𝑊ℎ𝑎𝑡 𝑐𝑙𝑎𝑠𝑠 𝑎𝑚 𝐼 𝑚𝑖𝑠𝑠𝑖𝑛𝑔? 𝑊ℎ𝑎𝑡 𝑖𝑓 𝐼 𝑔𝑒𝑡 𝑎 𝑏𝑎𝑑 𝑔𝑟𝑎𝑑𝑒 𝑑𝑢𝑒 𝑡𝑜 𝑡ℎ𝑖𝑠? 𝐽𝑒𝑠𝑠𝑖𝑐𝑎 𝑚𝑢𝑠𝑡 𝑏𝑒 𝑤𝑜𝑛𝑑𝑒𝑟𝑖𝑛𝑔 𝑤ℎ𝑒𝑟𝑒 𝐼 𝑎𝑚...𝐼 𝑠ℎ𝑜𝑢𝑙𝑑 𝑡𝑒𝑥𝑡 ℎ𝑒𝑟. 𝑊𝑎𝑖𝑡, 𝐼 𝑙𝑒𝑓𝑡 𝑚𝑦 𝑝ℎ𝑜𝑛𝑒 𝑖𝑛 𝑚𝑦 𝑟𝑜𝑜𝑚! 𝐴𝑖𝑠ℎ.

My thoughts continued to wreck my brain, so I decided to have a look around. I swivelled my eyes around the room, noticing that lately AI was being implemented almost everywhere. It was scary how everything was slowly depending on modern technology. 

𝑊ℎ𝑎𝑡 𝑖𝑓 𝑒𝑣𝑒𝑟𝑦𝑜𝑛𝑒 𝑖𝑠 𝑟𝑖𝑔ℎ𝑡? 𝑊𝑖𝑙𝑙 𝐴𝐼 𝑟𝑒𝑝𝑙𝑎𝑐𝑒 ℎ𝑢𝑚𝑎𝑛𝑠? 𝑊ℎ𝑎𝑡 𝑖𝑓 𝐼 𝑑𝑜𝑛'𝑡 𝑚𝑎𝑛𝑎𝑔𝑒 𝑡𝑜 𝑔𝑒𝑡 𝑎 𝑗𝑜𝑏? 𝐴𝑚 𝐼 𝑔𝑜𝑛𝑛𝑎 𝑠𝑡𝑎𝑟𝑣𝑒 𝑡𝑜 𝑑𝑒𝑎𝑡ℎ?

I wanted to scream. I wanted to shout. I wanted to yell. I wanted to get rid of these useless thoughts that kept bothering me. It was frustrating, and the worst part was that I knew that I was the only person who could help me.

...

We entered the room. It was a cozy sort of place, not like the usual consulting rooms in hospitals. The walls were coated with pastel colours that encouraged a positive atmosphere. The Eui-sa (doctor) motioned for us to take a seat on one of the couches.

"Eui-sa, this is Hae-Ri," Hae-Jun introduced. (Doctor)

"Annyeonghaseyo," I said, very formally. (Hello)

"Mm, annyeonghaseyo. Musunil isseosseoyo?" She asked. (Hello. What is the matter?)

I looked at Hae-Jun, and felt numb. He gave a reassuring smile and nodded. I took a deep breath in.

"I've been fainting very often. It's happened twice, since yesterday," I said reluctantly.

"Hmm...how is your diet, do you eat well?" she asked.

"Well...when I'm stressed, I prefer not to eat. In situations like that, if I eat, I usually throw up," I explained.

"Alright, got that, and have you been suffering from any stress lately?" She further inquired.

I thought about it. I had always been an over thinker, but ever since 12th grade, these "thoughts" had developed into more than that. 

"Yes," I said, without giving away much information.

The doctor looked like she expected something more, but I wasn't comfortable in saying anything else. She checked me up, and gave a final report.

"I don't think it's anything physical, it's in your mind. I recommend you to go to a therapist, it will surely help. The thing is, the stress it getting you, and your heart rate lowers when this happens, and it's terrible for your body, please look into it immediately. Oh, and yes, steer clear of stress-control pills at any cost," she insisted, getting up from her seat, hinting that our conversation was over. 

Well, that had been pretty brief.

"Eui-sa, is that all?" Hae-Jun asked.

"Nae. Here, take this," she said.

Hae-Jun and I stood up, and I paid the Eui-sa. Hae-Jun wrapped his arm around me, his firm grip on my right shoulder. It felt reassuring. The Eui-sa rummaged through her glossy-finished drawer, and ripped out a piece of paper from a vintage-looking diary. She quickly scrawled some words onto the surface of the note and handed it to me, not bothering to explain. I eyed the note, squinting to read the clumsy handwriting. Soon, I realised that it was the name of a therpist's clinic along with the phone number. I didn't like the idea of going to a therapist.

...

We walked out of the hospital, hand in hand. There was an uncomfortable silence that I hated more than anything. I wad dreading the "conversation" that he and I were going to have and I could feel my throat getting dry.

"Let's not go back to class," Hae-Jun said to my surprise, as he was usually a very dedicated person.

"You wanna bunk?" I asked, making sure that I had heard him right.

"I need a break, honestly, we both do, don't you think? I've been loaded with assignments and...I wanna spend time with you."

Hae-Jun:

We got into the taxi and headed to, "Mooni", which was an iconic cafe in Seoul. 

My mind felt fresh as we entered the aesthetic place. Hae-Ri chose a table next to a wide window, and the sunlight streaked down upon her in a beautiful manner, enhancing her sharp features. We ordered a couple of desserts and coolers.

I stared into space, wondering about how I could possibly bring up the topic when she was finally looking a bit happier. But she saw right through me, and did it herself.

"Let's talk about it now rather than later, let's sort it out. It's very hard for me to do this, but i know that you've got something to say so go ahead."

I nodded, and cleared my throat...