tokophobia:
(Having an extremely intense fear of pregnancy/childbirth.)
This dawning of November I'll be 29 and yet it still feels like I've had no earthly time-
Not enough time, anyway, to be bold and brave; maybe I'd make a good mother but who am I anyway?
What could I do for a child? What if something goes wrong? What if all the body issues resurface that I've worked so hard to overcome?
And if that baby gets sick and needs me, am I able to be their rock to lean on? Can I provide the strength needed when anxiety has devoured my brain for so long?
Can I put these fears aside with two tiny pink lines or should I avoid it the rest of my life? (They say no one is ever truly ready, but can someone at least tell me how they knew they'd be alright?)
When I picture a mini version of my love and I, it always brings a smile to my face; curly dark hair and cute chubby cheeks, I can see it in my mind clear as day.
But then the fear creeps in, all the same doubts―I don't want to fail, I'm just so scared! What if I turn away my eyes and my child dies? We'd never get over such despair!
Why wasn't I paying better attention? I'd ask myself over and over. I should have seen this coming, I knew I'd hurt them!
Of course I'd mess this up, I always knew I sucked...and now a cherub lies cold in a grave to prove I didn't do enough.
I'm sorry to a child I've never had, a fictional being made up in my head; I wish I could be the mother you deserve but I fear my selfishness knows no end.
YOU ARE READING
your heart breaks forevermore
PoesieA combination of both free-verse poetry and story-telling, I hope you all enjoy this collection as much as I enjoyed writing it. Poetry has always been such a peaceful escape for me, whether it be based on something real or entirely plucked from the...
