hugh jackman/characters one shots/imagines

You being insecure about your Petechiae from your GERD

(eating disorder?idk im not diagnosed!throwing up!OCD)

You stared into the mirror as you remembered throwing up this morning. You struggle with purging and GERD, you had really high anxiety which resulted in stomach issues. Sometimes your digestive slowed and you threw up alot and couldn't retain food or fluids. You got heavily dehydrated and incredibly dysfunctional. But it was usually before a spiral, ignoring your needs for too long and that is what wound happen. It would hit you all at once and you wouldn't be able to stop throwing up.

But it's gotten a lot better, your anxiety was also OCD, so your throwing up turning compulsions. You couldn't stop doing it over and over again, because there was this feeling of relief. Because the food hadn't settled in your stomach because of your anxiety. It was easy for it to come back up, so you just wanted to the relief of getting it out. But even when that feeling wasn't there you felt the need, the release of emptying your stomach. You experienced terrible stomach cramps as a result and how gone to the ER several times before they actually treated you.

Then you also focused on it in therapy, focusing on your trigger points, it wasn't easy and you had days like today. Where you had overeaten the night before to the point where it hurt your stomach. You threw up in the morning to get rid of the food but you only did it once. To the contrary, of puking over ten times in the span of a morning, you were trying to be graceful. To give yourself compassion when your OCD set up strict rules in your head that you had to obey without hesitancy. It was just the way it supposed to be, until it wasn't. Until you realized the voices in your head were saying different from what you truly wanted. When that voice sounded an awful like your mother, you knew that it wasn't you. It was your mental illness.

Though you still felt guilty, sad, and weak after you throw up. Even though you were proud you only did it once, that you used distraction and breathing. You thought about yourself when you were a child, trying to give her the soothing words she'd never hear before. Now it was even easier because you could think of Logan. You'd feel his arms wrap around you as he whispered that 'It was gonna be alright'. You had to believe that you were going to overcome it because if you didn't, you'd spiral. People thought that you were getting better and sure you were, but you didn't really have a choice. If you didn't chose the positive affirmations and telling your thoughts to 'Fuck off', you'd be spiraling but constantly having to battle something that seemed so natural for so long. It was draining, but rewarding, so you'd dip, you'd overeat and throw up sometimes. But you wouldn't allow it to pull you down.

Your fingers rain over the red dots over your forehead and cheeks. Sometimes it was worse under your eyes. You thought they might've been pretty if they were freckles instead. But the reality was that it was natural, and they were bright red. You remember throwing up the day before your cousin's wedding and having the worst red splotches almost rashes on your face. You hated wearing foundation because your skin was so sensitive to everything, but you decided to wear it that day. You didn't love the look but you were more insecure about the red dots. You didn't want people to ask about where they were from, what had happened?

"Baby?" Logan's voice echoed as you turned your head, your hands fall from your face as you looked into your boyfriend's eyes. You blinked back at the tears from your eyes as he sighed. He hadn't seen you this morning, getting up early for a run and to work out. Logan would end his routine by picking you up and going for a walk together. When you were in the den he came looking for you, when he saw the red dots on your face. The ones that made you look bashful as you stare down at the ground. "Hey..." He trailed, moving towards you and grasping your cheek. "Baby, your beautiful and you know your doing your best. Right? Because I see you, I see you trying every day and I'm proud of you."

"Thank you bub." You whimpered, your lip pouting as he offered you a small smile, as his thumb pressed at your bottom lip.

"That's my line, sweet cheeks." Logan teased, connecting your lips in a soft kiss. "Ready for our walk?"

"Yes." You smiled, your hand coming down to slip into his.

Note: sorry for the dump, i had a relapse in throwing up this morning and actually didn't freak out well not completely so i'm pretty proud of myself i think i got this lol