Best Friends

33

Lisa

I watched her heart break before she turned and ran out of the door. I clenched my jaw tight so I didn't beg her to come back. I couldn't breathe, the pain in my heart was a hundred times worse than any physical pain I could ever feel. I'd just lost the one thing that I needed out of life, the one thing that mattered to me, hell she was the only thing that mattered to me in life. Not only had I lost her, but I'd actually pushed her away. I'd made her leave when she didn't want to and that hurt even more. The fact that I was hurting her by setting her free. If I could take her heartbreak as well as my own I would. I would lay down my life for that girl in an instant and I always would. I would do anything to make her happy, even if it destroyed me in the process.

She would get over this and find someone else and someone would give her everything I couldn't anymore. The thought hurt like hell, but I wouldn't have it any other way. Roseanne deserved the best out of life, and me in a wheelchair wasn't that.

The nurse tugged on the mask pulling it out of my hand and pressing it back over my mouth and nose again. "Try and calm down, if your heart rate gets any faster you'll go into cardiac arrest," she said sternly.

Cardiac arrest? A heart attack, hell that sounded awesome right about now, hopefully it would kill me and I wouldn't have to live one day without my girl by my side. I closed my eyes trying to block out the pain of it but I couldn't, all I could see was Roseanne telling me she loved me, flashes of our wedding and the day after when we woke up in the hotel and realized we were married, thoughts of making love to her for the first time. All these memories were flashing through my brain making it even more painful.

I would have lived every day of my life making her happy but it wasn't enough, I wasn't enough for her now, and I was doing the right thing letting her off. She didn't deserve a life sentence being tied to a girl in a wheelchair. I'd thought about this since the moment I woke up this morning, seeing her sitting there on the chair asleep at my side. I knew she wouldn't want to go, but if I couldn't walk again then I wasn't what was best for her anymore.

Sure, everything would have been fine for a year or two, but after a little while she would start to resent me for holding her back and then she'd leave me. It was best to set her free now, and then I could learn how to deal with this on my own, I'd be on my own sooner or later anyway, so why delay the inevitable?

After a little while the nurse pulled the mask off of my face and looked at me sympathetically. "Are you ok? Can I get you anything? Call someone?" she asked kindly.

I shook my head and forced a smile. I couldn't hold it together for much longer; I didn't want anyone here when I lost control. "I'm fine, can I just have a minute?" I asked, my voice husky and filled with emotion.

"Sure hon. If you need me then press the buzzer," she smiled and put the call button on the bed next to my hand.

"I'm fine now, thanks," I lied.

She took one last look at me before she walked out. As soon as I the door closed I couldn't hold it anymore, I gripped my hands in my hair and I sobbed. I sobbed for what I'd lost. I sobbed for what I gave up. I sobbed for what could have been. I hadn't cried since I was a kid but I couldn't stop. I prayed for death because that would have been easier than dealing with this, this was like living in hell on earth and I wasn't strong enough for it.

After I calmed myself down, I laid there numb, staring at the ceiling waiting for death to come and get me and take me out of here, to stop the pain and fill the gaping hole that used to be where my heart was. My parents came, but I couldn't even bring myself to talk to them, couldn't even shout at them for not sending me in for the surgery. I couldn't even utter a single word because they didn't matter. Nothing mattered apart from Roseanne, but she was gone. I just stared straight ahead and blocked out their words, replaying images of Roseanne in my head.