DEEP CONVICTIONS

To You

I'm not sure where this is. I know I have to find a way to like it.
I feel for us.
How can we have come so far to not know each other well. To know each other so well... and to have a bookend on someone so special to me makes me sad.
More so, not liking "here" enough to know nobody likes "here". I mean... how do we get out of here?
I'm not dumb. I'm not saying I don't know why we aren't what we were.... I dunno why you think I would want anything to be the same. I had to leave there because I really never wanted to feel that unhappiness. That darkness.
You may be holding onto a version of me I didn't even like. I had to change.
I'm sorry for the pain I caused. I never wanted things to be ugly. I never wanted to hurt you.
It wasn't ugly.
We were not happy people together. No matter how much we tried to make it work... for whatever reason... it just didn't.
I'm not sure if you know, nor care, . . But, don't think I lost you in my head and heart. You probably don't know that I'm hashing out conversations with you in here. We converse about all kinds of things. I try to imagine your answers.
And you know?? Maybe I'm wrong a lot about what you would say today cause all our conversations go way longer in this mind than they do in our texts. In our real moments of back and forth.
We spent so much time together. I never lived out so many experiences with one person where I wasn't doing drugs of trashing myself. The quality of my life with you in it was way different than it is today.
  There was some great years with you.
In the end, you know.... that very long period of time we were trying? I respect that.
Maybe you don't know that.
I know you tried to be happy with me. I know you met my family with open arms. I know that you're still good with them. I respect that.
A no drama split?
    I used to think that meant that we parted as friends. I thought that if the split was mutual... that it went cordially that we weren't together anymore, sure.
    Now I think if it's a mutual split, it means she couldn't ask you to leave but couldn't wait for you to go.
I never thought we would go down as enemies. I never thought of us like that. I most definitely never would want it this way.
"You're still mad at me. Maybe I'll try again later." And then later would come. "Yep. Still mad." Hell maybe you weren't. Maybe you were just playing with me and I was being sensitive. To be honest,I wish I never lost my communication with you. I knew you needed time, and maybe I gave you too much of it.
Now if I see you, I'm to look the other way? If I'm there you're not gonna come? We lasted way longer than we were supposed to?
How do I come back from that?
I never knew the words to catch your attention from the first time I looked upon you. I have had a speechless crush. I look back on those years fondly. Being with you and feeling that love.
   I learned so many things about good living with you. I learned the difference of so many things including travel. The tastes of strange foods and extravagant hotels. Paying the difference means so much more to me now. More than value.
  With you,I seen a future. You were driven. Working 3 different jobs. Wanting a better life. We were so in love. I know that I was.
It all changed before me. I noticed its imbalance. And even then... There was nothing that could be said. Nothing.
Is there no way to part as friends even if our loving relationship became friendly? Does it have to be a shitty roommate feeling?
I'm sorry for my inexperience when it comes to emotions and feelings. I wasn't able to express many of them in that long period of sobriety. Ten years sober and even if I had everything a normal guy would want, it didn't feel real to me.
Navigating my crazy sober thoughts.
My normal " nobody fucking likes me. Not even the one who sleeps next to me. Well maybe she does. Nope still doesn't. Maybe I'm crazy. Do you like me? "
Well.... I guess you fucking didn't.
So..... why stay with me so long?
Sure, a lot has changed with me. A lot.
It's been many years now of me just trying to be this better version of me. Trying to be all the parts I know I was missing plus the good traits that already existed. A lot of the things I learned about, had to be learned the way I did.
I do my best to stay shiny. Smiles with glitter. Floats on air.
I keep to myself and build this world with no fragment of my past that I remember fondly. Sure it's a beautiful life. It's becoming more stable even.
I've went back in my life, all the way back to childhood. I've visited a lot of people who knew me at different times in my life. I've heard second hand stories about myself from people who knew me when maybe I may have been wrong in a lot of ways. But not in the ways I remember.
It's pretty wild to go back in time and meet the many versions of you that people hold onto. Things you may have forgotten all about. I have always been this guy. I'm thoughtful. I have been sensitive to things. I am stubborn. Always have been. I act like I don't care... but I'm not known for that kind of carelessness. I've never cared about things. . . Never cared about your property. That's never been me.
Not everyone has a great story about me. It's quite humbling to hear them anyways. Especially after someone has been holding onto that shitty story for so long that I forgot about it ever really happening. Maybe I didn't see it that way. It's cool to change their memories of me with this current self. We are still friends.
Every version of me is still the same. Just wiser. A lil more life experienced. A lil more ragged. In our time apart, I've faced a lot of amends I had to make to people I hurt along the way. I was lucky to salvage some key people who shaped me into this. I was blessed in a lot of ways.
I've been a good friend to my people. Sometimes a bad one... but still a friend.
I've always been a writer. You may never read this. But I have pages of hand written stuff. Books of it.
I don't talk about my problems. I write them a lot. Nobody wants to hear about my bullshit and I rarely write anything here anymore.
"The best thing that ever happened to you was breaking up. Something that went on longer than it should have."
I never imagined to be here with you. But to know that you were "there" with me back then...
It hurts to know you felt the same as me and we both would just lay there in the dark back to back staring in to opposite walls. That we could argue about pets instead of talking about it.
I'm sorry I wasn't able to hear you if you did.
Not sure that we ever talked about it.
We grew apart just one resentment after the next. When it all added up, the list was maybe too long to talk about. No amount of subtraction could win me a second chance.
What a prize I was.. 325 lbs. angry and sober. I thought I was doing things right. Those last two years of relationship to roommate. Being nice as possible. Escaping into my iPad. Just looking for a win. Burning out on my job. Burning outin my heart.
I never wanted to be your enemy. I never wanted to feel this way. I didn't do anything to deserve it. I want to see you on the street and be able to walk up and I dunno maybe a smile and a hug. A dap. A high five. I want to walk around this town knowing that if I see you it isn't weird. It is okay. No matter what.
This feels so unfinished. Maybe you're still mad. Mad because I left. Because I could.
Nothing was good. Nothing was good for us and it poured into all the other aspects of my life. I mean how can I trust myself to make relationship decisions? I did it sober and I still failed. The problems are the same.
Sober or not the change had to be drastic. It had to be worth all that shaky stability I was going to give up.
Surprisingly, it wasn't a full tail spin downward like I had imagined it to be. Sure at first... but it leveled out. I'm still climbing, still learning new abilities and skills. I lost a lot of those extra lbs. and I'm still crafting my carcass.
I've been doing it all for me. Not you. Not them. I feel good about me today. People fucking love me. I've never been this guy. This dude is balanced with a good soul, good heart, great intent and follow through. This guy, will not allow himself to let you break his streak on good days. I refuse to be used anymore. I am good natured and I won't be triggered into thinking I'm what I think you think of me. I'm a good man. A better one than the one you knew. And if you don't think some people change, you're wrong. I've been proof of change since before you ever walked in. I'm learning to be the things I was lacking. And if you don't see me today.... You are gonna hear about me in your tomorrow's just being rad.
Because I am and always have been rad.
I have been sad that you cannot see me. Sad that you cannot see me as I say I am. That you won't even look.
I care for you. I will always. We are alright over here. I'm sorry I wasn't more for you when we were. . . Thank you for teaching me a part of what I wasn't doing. Thank you for loving me when you did. Thank you for giving me your time. Your affection.
    Teaching my family what family could be. Thank you so much. I wish it was different.
I'm grateful to have had u in my life for sure, it was a rad growing period. I miss your laughter.
But you're dead now.
I will never be able to express these feelings to you. You will never read these words. And this is a vent to someone who will never answer.
I have to eat these words from the heart. I have to leave them here and read them in my coming years. I still see you in my Facebook history.
I miss you everyday. I think about you all the time. I wish it all was different but I have to accept it. I have to be "HERE" even if I don't like it.
   You will never know how much this sucks... I was already dead to you.

KMT Oct 2024