The Truth Embarks a New Beginning

"Villain"

I don't think I'll ever paint you the villain in our story, 

Perhaps it's not fair to do so, 

or perhaps I won't because I don't see you as one. 

Regardless of how many times you hurt me, 

I would always find a reason to justify the pain. 

Reasons like you were drunk, you were confused, I hurt you first,

and even reasons like I deserved it or that all I really amount to is a good fuck. 

Your good fuck. 

and no matter how many times we dance to the same song and rewind our story, 

I will never stop loving you. 

I could never hate you. 

I never told anyone what you were really like behind closed doors. 

How your deeply rooted pain and anguish were masked behind your smile. 

I would always find a reason to hate myself for not lessening the burden. 

I would always try to seek clarity in your labyrinth of words and hold your pain as if it were my own.

I haven't told anyone what you are really like now. 

How you tell me I'm a placeholder for someone better one day 

and then tell me we could be us again the next. 

how you make it clear that's all I am

yet hold me as if you're afraid to lose me. 

and I wait patiently, 

because in my mind no matter how many times you cut me, 

you are worth it. 

I will always paint myself the villain in our story. 

And perhaps rightfully so. 

I was insecure and came with a lot of baggage too heavy to lift on my own, 

and I placed it all on you. 

I hurt you over and over and over again 

but the fear of losing you was too great.

You see, when I met you, I felt like I had known you all my life, 

and for the first few months, our story was destined. 

But you had a lot of baggage of your own, 

and we both got crushed under the weight. 

And as much as I would like to believe we would have made it, 

we both know we would have tried and failed. 

I haven't told anyone where we are now. 

How I see you in the morning with the sun beaming through the window panes 

or watch your eyes sparkle in the starry night. 

how I am patiently waiting in between makeout sessions for you to make up your mind. 

for you to tell me we could start anew. 

How I watch tinder notifications on your phone pop up left and right while you cuddle me to sleep. 

or how I try and comfort you while watching you lose yourself on a daily basis.

I believe we could make it now. 

and perhaps I'm biased.

But in the months we spent apart and talked things through, you and I both changed and adapted. 

I am no longer an insecure coward and you are no longer passive and judgemental. 

and I know you know this 

but I will never stop loving you. 

And perhaps it's the hopeless romantic in me

or perhaps I'm just a masochist, 

but I will remain in active wait for you. 

no matter which tinder girl you replace me with, 

thirty years down the line, 

I will still be here. 

leaving our page open, 

and still not painting you the villain.