Heart Scars

Twenty Nine

Patrolling with Remus was quiet.

Adhara could feel his brown eyes staring into the back of her head as she walked in front of him. She could always feel his gaze on her: in class, in the halls, during meals. He was always looking at her, staring through the perfectly put up act.

James had found Adhara earlier in the day to tell her not to be too harsh on Remus. He was having a hard time. So instead of taking her anger out on him, she stayed silent. She was good at silence, especially since she became a death eater. Sometimes she was so silent she forgot that she even existed.

He had stood next to her when they were in the prefect office. His familiar smell of chocolate and coffee intoxicated her, daring her to step closer to him. She didn't though, she couldn't. Adhara had been trying to walk as far away from him as he would let her.

Which wasn't much.

Though Remus wasn't speaking, he kept trying to be close to her. Every time he thought she wasn't looking, he would speed up to get closer to her. It never worked. Adhara always sped up too and they stayed the same distance away from each other.

"Full moons in three days." Remus whispers quietly after an hour of silence. She sucks in a breath.

It would be so easy. So easy to show up for the moon and then leave like it never happened. But she couldn't. If she allowed herself to do it once, she'd want to do it again.

Remus still didn't know she was an animagus, or, she assumed he didn't. He hadn't said anything about it. Sirius wouldn't have told him since they were on bad terms, James wouldn't have gone against Adhara's wishes, and Peter probably forgot.

It was a clear night. There were no clouds in the sky, and the nearly full moon shone on Remus' skin and made it light up. His scars were easier to see as well. Sometimes she wished she could paint him. She stared at him for a moment, letting him catch up to her. Adhara mentally took in every feature: every freckle, every scar, everything. She was going to paint him.

She practically ran back to her dorm after patrol. Alecto was already asleep, and Adhara cast a charm before hastily pulling out her painting supplies.

A bit of her soul went into the painting with every stroke of her brush. The brown of his eyes, the gentle curve of his lips as he smiled, the freckles that were even more prominent in the moonlight; she painted all of it.

She worked into the early morning hours, and much of the next day. Luckily it was a Saturday. By dinner the next night, the painting was done. He was perfect, even on a canvas. She was sure there was no way he could never not look perfect. Adhara quickly cast a drying charm and slid the canvas under her bed.

"Ara." Alecto's voice travels through the locked door as the handle rattles. Adhara flicks her wand and the lock clicks, the red head stumbling in.

"Dumbledore needs you." Her eyes are widened in worry, and they flick down to look at her mark. Adhara places a gentle hand on her shoulder and silently nods before going off.

Dumbledore was sitting in his chair, and said nothing as Adhara walked into the room. Fawkes was sitting on his perch, small and pitiful, obviously just reborn. She wondered if that's how the world viewed her sometimes: insignificant and weak. It's how she felt sometimes.

Adhara sits across from the old man.

"A group of Gryffindors approached me today. Heard the Potter's talking about the Order of the Phoenix. They want to join." Dumbledore says quietly. Adhara clenches her jaw.

"And who were they?"

"Potter, Black, Pettigrew, Evans, McKinnon, Macdonald, and Lupin." He looks at her somberly, and doesn't flinch when she slams her fist against the desk.

"You told them no!" She stands as she yells. Dumbledore stares at her blankly. She scoffs.

"Soldiers. That's all that they are to you, pawns in this game that you play. You and Tom." Her eyes had welled with tears, angry tears. She wouldn't let them fall though. She couldn't show him this emotional side of her.

"Miss Black, I am willing to do whatever it takes to win this war. You may not understand-" he begins.

"I understand perfectly," she cuts him off, her voice barely above a whisper, "their deaths would mean nothing to you. And they would even bring you joy if only you succeeded in taking him down. Y-you're not the hero everyone makes you out to be. Someday I hope someone sees you for what you really are. I hope that on that day, you will have faded to nothing. I hope not a soul remembers you as the greatest wizard of your time, but for being a coward that allowed children to fight a war that you could have prevented."

He stares blankly as she storms out.

///

Adhara found James after her meeting with Dumbledore. He was alone, looking deep in thought as he aimlessly walked to the kitchens.

"James!" She calls out as she rushes towards him. He turns towards her, a small grin on his face as he stops walking. His mouth opens to say something, but he doesn't get to say anything.

Adhara slaps him.

"What were you thinking?" She shrieks.

"Ara-"

"The Order of the Phoenix? Seriously James, this is risky business. You are risking your lives, and now you've dragged everybody else into this." She snaps. James looks over her shoulder and grimaces, and Adhara quickly turns to see Remus and Sirius, both staring at her with wide eyes.

"How did you know?" James asks from behind her, and she freezes. How was she supposed to explain how she knew?

"Ara?" It was Remus' voice, gentle and sweet. The voice that made her want to spill all her secrets to him and let him comfort her.

"Never you mind how I know. This is stupid, even for you three." She scolds, and James goes over to stand next to Sirius and Remus.

"Ara, we're doing this to help." Sirius says gently as he tries to smile at her. She shakes her head.

"Do you know what this means, Sirius? It means someday, you're going to have to fight me and Reg. You'll have to raise your wand to us. Something you vowed never to do." She rounds on him, her eyes filled with anger and sadness. This was it. Becoming an auror was one thing, but being a part of The Order was something entirely different.

"You know I would never-"

"You don't know what you would do, Sirius. Standing in a battlefield is different. You'll do anything it takes to survive." She nearly whispers the last part, because she had. She had done everything in her power to stay alive. She had killed and destroyed, burned and blown up; all for her life.

Remus watched Adhara. She looked so beaten down and broken. She looked like she had given up on life. She looked haunted, haunted by every life she had taken over the summer.

"Ara, lov-"

"I'm going to bed. You guys should too, and maybe you should rethink your decisions."

The three boys watched her go.