His but Never Mine - J.JK × K.SJ FF

How Can I Pretend?

Jungkook sat on the floor, his back pressed against the cold door, fingers trembling as he unlocked his phone. I can’t have him... I have to forget him. The thought echoed in his mind, desperate and hollow, like a lifeline he was trying to grab onto.

He typed in the search bar with shaking hands: "how to hate someone." His heart pounded with every word, his breath shallow. The screen flickered with articles, forums, and advice, offering tips on how to get over someone, how to turn love into hate. Jungkook scanned through them, his eyes wide, searching for something—anything—that might help him.

"Focus on their flaws."

His eyes lingered on that piece of advice. He swallowed hard and thought about Jin... Jin, who was always smiling, who was always kind. What are his flaws? Jungkook thought. His heart twisted painfully at the very idea of picking Jin apart. But he had to try.

He stared at the ceiling, forcing himself to think of something negative, anything. He’s too close to Taehyung... He’s... He’s oblivious. Jungkook frowned, but none of it felt right. His chest tightened with frustration. Jin doesn’t even see how I feel... He laughs too much... He’s...

His thoughts faltered. Even as he tried, nothing felt like a real reason to hate him. Everything about Jin, even his flaws, felt perfect in Jungkook’s eyes. The way Jin would laugh too loudly sometimes, or how he’d scold Jungkook for being reckless—it only made Jungkook love him more.

He gripped his phone tighter, scrolling through more advice. "Distance yourself."

"Focus on their mistakes."

"Remember why it’s impossible."

Each suggestion felt like a slap in the face, a reminder of the painful reality he was trying to avoid.

He tried to picture Jin with Taehyung, how happy he looked, how comfortable he seemed in his arms. His chest burned, and for a brief second, he thought he could hate him for it. But instead, all he felt was sorrow—a crushing weight of defeat. No matter how hard he tried, no matter what the articles said, Jin’s face flashed in his mind, beautiful and gentle.

Jungkook’s heart clenched painfully as he whispered to himself, I can’t hate him... I’ll never be able to.

Jungkook’s heart skipped a beat when he heard the knock, panic immediately settling in. His eyes darted to the blade he had carelessly tossed aside, blood still drying on his wrist beneath his sleeve. He quickly wiped away the tears that had betrayed him. Please don’t notice... he silently prayed as he tried to compose himself.

"Who is it?" he asked, his voice shaky.

"Kook, it’s me."

Of course, it had to be him—Jin, the very reason for his heartache. Jungkook hesitated for a moment, hand trembling as it reached for the door. Why is Jin here now? Why, when I’m trying so hard to let go...

As the door creaked open, Jungkook’s breath hitched, as if the air suddenly felt fresher, lighter, the moment Jin stood in front of him. His presence was like a gentle breeze on a hot, suffocating day, but it also brought an unbearable weight to his chest.

Jin stood there, a worried expression etched on his face. Why does he have to look at me like that? Jungkook thought bitterly, his heart aching all over again.

"Kook, you looked upset earlier. Are you okay? Is something bothering you?" Jin asked softly, stepping closer, his eyes searching Jungkook’s face for answers.

Jungkook’s throat tightened as he fought back the urge to scream, to cry, to tell Jin everything. How could he possibly hate the person who always cared for him so deeply, who was always the first to notice when something was wrong? Jin knew him too well, just as Jungkook knew Jin. He always saw through Jungkook’s moods, sensing when something was off.

Hyung... you can see me so well, Jungkook thought as his eyes lingered on Jin’s worried face, then why can’t you see my unspoken feelings? Why can’t you see that I’m drowning in them, that they’re tearing me apart?

His chest felt heavy, suffocated by the weight of his own emotions, but he forced a smile, a fake one, as he always did.

"I’m fine, hyung. Just tired, I guess," he mumbled, his voice barely above a whisper. His eyes avoided Jin’s, afraid that if he met them, everything would spill out—his pain, his love, his anger.

But Jin didn’t seem convinced. "Are you sure, Kook? You know you can talk to me, right? If something’s bothering you... I’m here." His words were soft, caring, the way they always were, and it made Jungkook’s heart twist in agony.

Why do you have to be so kind? Why can’t you just leave me alone? Jungkook wanted to scream, but instead, he nodded, keeping his face composed.

"I know, hyung. Thanks... but I’m okay. Really."

Lies. Everything was a lie, but Jungkook couldn’t afford the truth—not when Jin looked at him like that, not when the very sight of Jin made his resolve crumble into pieces.

"Jungkook, don't lie."

Jungkook’s insides twisted painfully as he stared at Jin, feeling suffocated by the concern in his eyes.

Why do you have to see through me like this? He hated it. He hated how Jin always knew when something was wrong, how he wouldn't let him off the hook with a simple excuse. Why do you care so much? Why can't you just leave me alone?

"I am really fine."

"No, Kook, you don’t look fine. Don’t lie to me," Jin insisted, stepping closer. "You know you can’t hide things from me. I’m always here for you. Tell me what’s bothering you."

Jungkook’s heart raced, frustration bubbling inside him. He wanted to scream, to push Jin away, but he knew Jin wouldn’t leave him alone until he gave him a reason. Jin cared too much, and it felt like hell. The way Jin was determined to help him... Why does he care so much? It only makes it worse.

"Nothing," Jungkook forced a laugh, his voice strained. "I’m just tense about going to college next year, you know? It’s a big step..."

Jin’s expression softened as he listened, but Jungkook could tell he still wasn’t fully convinced. "Oh, right. College can seem overwhelming at first, but trust me, you’ll get used to it. School life was fun, but college... it’ll be even better. To enjoy college life, you have to let go of your school life," Jin said with a smile, his voice reassuring.

But the words hit Jungkook like a punch to the gut. Let go of your school life. That’s what Jin said, but what Jungkook heard was, Let go of me.

Jungkook’s breath caught in his throat. Let go of him? How could he? How could he let go of Jin when every part of him ached for him, needed him?

He clenched his fists, forcing himself to nod, to play along. "Yeah... you’re right, hyung," he muttered, his voice hollow. "I guess I’ll have to let go."

But inside, the thought of letting go of Jin felt like the world collapsing around him. How can I let go when you’re everything to me? How can I pretend to move on when every breath, every heartbeat, is tied to you?