I WAS MADE FOR YOU

CHAPTER - 13

I could not grasp it, whether Taehyun was solituding from the rest of the family and feel lonely or whether he was just the same indifferent self. He was a complex book to read nowadays, I could not make out from his tone of words if he was feeling pained, sad or just plain alright.

Did he get enough love from me when I hug him in his study desk from time to time? Did he get enough love when I kiss his tall nose before bedtime? Did he get enough love when I wish him good mornings on each day that quickly and monotonously glided by?

I liked my passing time with him, no matter how colourless our atmosphere was. It is true. However, how is he feeling? I was disdainful for not being able to figure out his mood.

"Taehyun." I stood behind him across his study desk, my long arms entagled themselves around his neck.

"Yes?" He chose to be gentle with his words, all the time, maybe this is why I can't figure out what is going on in his head.

"Let me in." I propped my chin on his shoulder.

"Where?" A giggle escaped.

"In your head." This I said with my head turned closer to his ear, causing him to stop with what he was scribbling.
"Tell me what you are feeling." silence fell "Please."

For good seconds, the silence loitered in the thick air, it wasn't a comfortable silence, more like a contemplating one in which Taehyun was engulfed in.

My eyes widened at the consequent sound of soft sniffles that now emerged from Taehyun. It took all guts and composure in me to not wipe his tear right there and then. He needed this. Taehyun needed to cry it out like I do when nights like this arrive.

"I'm tired." His dressed hand of incomplete recovery reached my arm that wrapped his clavicle, trying to find comfort in touching my skin.

As a result of this sight, I gave him what he seek. I stepped away from his hold and then walked towards him closer, sat on his lap in sideway, then wrapped him tightly, so tight that I was afraid he might have trouble breathing although such thoughts left my head when he embraced me back with the same strength, his sobbing escaped louder and louder but not to the point of wailing.

This is the least I could give, so I wanted to give him all that I could.

"I'm tired." His wet cheeks smeared themselves in our pinched hug, his warm tears drooled down my skin, I wondered if his own cheeks were burned by the salt.
"So tired that I want to die."

No, it was not what I wanted to hear at all. Maybe not for this moment, maybe not for any moment. Maybe never. But what could I do if that was what ate him alive for several days?

It's okay. I will gladly be eaten by his sorrow than smile in the lies and masks that we live in.

I wanted to say many things at that moment to comfort him,
I'm sorry I didn't ask you sooner. I'm sorry. It's not your fault. Cry all you need. Anything else? I love you.

I ended up saying none of them. Therefore, I combed his hair with my fingers in hopes to tenderly earse his cries. Hearing his sobbings and hitched breaths hurted enough but I mustered my courage to keep on holding tight. I wanted to walk on the rope he's walking on. He can wobble and lose balance but that's okay, because I will always be behind him, securing him.

After his wails had ceased, he buried his face deep in the nook of my neck, inhaling and exhaling there, his stuffed nose tried its best to clear itself out harshly at each inhales.

My fingers were unendingly tendering his hair with deep sadness in my eyes, I did not want to cry now.
It took lots of strength in me to overcome these bubbling tears inside my eyes.

"I'm sorry...for feeling this way." Taehyun choked up before I felt another warm liquid travelling down my chest.
"Me wanting to die has nothing to do with not loving you." His mouth trembled which I could feel in my skin "I love you but–"

My lips planted themselves in his locks, down his temples, across his nose, and down his chin, leaving his wet lips unattained. My kisses were chappy and gentle. He felt them by closing his eyes in sincere receive.

"Bring your sadness with you, I will love you through it." I kissed his earlobe "Bring your desire for death with you, I will love you through it." My lips halted and rested on his shoulder.

His dark tired gaze fixated on my own wet ones. We stared and stared, searching for solace and life in each other's.

His now puffy eyes slowly loosened up gently and so was mine.

"We will be okay." I told by egulfing his head in my held once again. "We will be okay." I repeated it to him and myself because I do not want to lose hope in myself too.
"Remember our Amsterdam plans?" I gulped down the tears that was threatening to emerge from my eyes.

He nodded in my embrace.

"We can't give up Taehyun. We have to keep–" a big lump forming in my throat interrupted and now the tears struggled their way out like waterworks, flowing down my cheeks and dripped down Taehyun's white cheeks.
"We must keep living."

I could have killed myself long time ago, all before Taehyun came into my only light. We shared the same spotlight under moonlit nights as we shared the same anguish. He showed me rainbows at night and stars at days I wish would not arrive.

But as I keep pushing myself out of bed each day, I rolled awake next to him and it was a better feeling than wishing for death to pay me a visit each passing day.

I needed him. Now, I loved him. I love him. And, I want to keep living with him. I want to go to Amsterdam with him. I want to go and pick flowers with him. I want to cook delightful meals or just fried eggs with him. I want to be filled with hope each day with him. I want to be with him.

"I want to keep living with you. So, please don't give up on me." My lips quivered at the idea of another morning without him, I didn't even dare to imagine "Please Taehyun."

He did not talk, but responded with a kiss on my chin instead. His tired eyes blinked slowly up at me. "I promise I won't."

A gush of relief filled my veins and I cracked up of tears holding him tighter.

Allow me to show you rainbows at nights you lamented.
Allow me to show you stars at days you rejected.

—Leonsa

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