six feet under

V. WOULD YOU COME BACK

Tommy,

You know what ? I decided, when I started this journal, that I'd write as if I was talking to you to prevent myself from going insane and all that, but if I'm being honest, it has quite the opposite effect.

I've been saying all that crazy stuff, and this is getting a little too personal.

We are I am in the middle of the night. There's people screaming outside. Or crying. Or laughing. I don't know. Maybe both. We're all utterly wacky here anyway.

I can't sleep. I bit my nails until they bled.

It's a very dark night. No stars.

I do feel a little insane right now.

*

I shouldn't have told you all those things earlier. I mean I know I didn't really said it to you, since it's not really you... but it made me remember and

I wish I didn't.

remembered.

I wanted to write to make it all disappear because it usually works that way. But I don't know what I can write about to make sure I d

They stopped screaming.

I mean, outside.

Now there's nothing. Just silence. I don't know which one is worse.

*

I slept a bit, before the noise. I dreamed (or remembered) (I don't know) (or maybe it was more of a nightmare) I was back in the Glade but everyone was there, even George, Nick, Alby, and all the people we lost. Except you, you weren't there.

So I went looking for you and

(Silence. Silence is worse.)

I couldn't find you so I almost went into the Maze but then I heard the [alarme des nouveaux] and I instantly knew it was going to be you. And it was funny because it felt exactly like when I saw you getting out of the box in real life, I had the same feeling of understanding, somehow, that I'd find in you another thing I'd want but never get, but the thing is, in my dream I knew I wasn't immune.

If the other weirdos had waited ten minutes before starting their screaming party I could have told you how it felt, and what I did next.

Guess we'll never know.

*

I still can't sleep.

I don't know how I could ever sleep again.

The Flare won't let me.

My head hurts. A lot.

I don't know if it's the Flare or the memories. I wish I could get them both out of my head.

You have no idea how hard it is to restrain yourself from writing about something that breaks you from the inside when your notebook is the only way for you to make it a bit easier to bear, while losing you mind because of a deadly virus that took over your brain.

But I can't tell you. I won't allow myself to do it, I promise. No matter how crazy the Flare makes me, I won't.

*

If I asked you to...

Would you come back ?

I hate this journal.

It won't give me any answer.

*

You won't come back.

I've been too good at rejecting you.

It's supposed to be a good thing. I have to keep that in mind. It's better. For everyone.

*

People started screaming again. Or maybe they don't. Maybe I imagined them. Am I this insane already ?

No, I'm really hearing them.

There's a baby.

A baby who's got the Flare, who's suffering, who's going to die...

Please stop screaming. I don't want to think about this.

I don't want to think at all.

Make it stop.

Why didn't you make it stop ?

MAKE IT STOP MAKE IT STOP MAKE IT STOP

*

Tommy, are you there ? I know you're not but can I just pretend you're there ?

I feel like I'm in a bloody nightmare.

It's scaring me really bad right now.

*

I should never have left the Berg in the first place, stayed with you and Minho. That's what we do. We stick together, no matter what. We're family, aren't we ? And families are for the better and the worst, until the very end.

*

This is different. Families protect each other, first.

And I can't start doubting my decisions now. Not after everything they cost, starting with scraps of my sanity.

Don't come back. Don't force me to push you away again when it's the last thing I want to do.

Bloody stupid of me to ask this. You would never come back anyway.

*

It finally ended. The screaming. The baby.

I heard a gunshot.

I never tried so hard to shut down my brain. I don't want to think I don't want to imagine I don't want to visualise what might have happened

My vision got blurry, I could hear my heartbeat as if someone was playing drums inside my ears, and inside my skull as well. But for once I didn't try to calm down. I desperately wanted it to get worse and worse and worse and knock me off for a few hours...

It didn't.

I banged my head against the wall like a nutter, hoping it would finish the job.

It still didn't.

I don't know what to do Tommy.

I just want it to stop.

*

I'm sorry for yesterday.

I wanted you to go but needed you to stay - or maybe the other way round. The only bloody thing I know is that I can't do this without you around.

And you are not around.

*

Please forget about all the klunk I said.

Please know that I need you here with me more than anything.

Please don't let me go through this hell alone.

Please stay with me until the very end.

Please Tommy, come back.

AN: Sooo yes I know this part is really weird, but you'll understand in the next one eventually... I'm a bit disappointed you can't use crossed letters on wattpad, because I originally wanted to have some crossed sentences in this part and now it just feels even weirder lmao

Anyway thanks for reading, I wish you a wonderful day/night :)