six feet under

VI. I KNOW WHO YOU ARE

slight fever code spoiler in this chapter, nothing major though so if you haven't read TFC yet it's up to you :) this chapter is totally skippable in case you'd want to avoid any mention of what happens in TFC - thank you so much for reading this far anyway, it means the world to me <3

Don't come back.

I don't exactly remember what I wrote tonight - and I don't want to. I just know that I ruined everything I had built so far. And I'm sure I must have asked you to come back, at one given moment. Or maybe more than one.

It doesn't matter how many times I asked, or how desperate I sounded, you shall forget every word I've written.

I've never been so happy to remember you won't actually read this notebook, so, the damage is limited. But still. I shucked up, big time.

That's precisely why I didn't come with you. And why I left in the first place. It's getting worse. A lot worse, and a lot quicker than we expected.

It's starting to show on my body, too. I have strange bruises all over my arms and legs, and I'm pretty sure my hair is falling out on some parts of my head. From what I've seen there, it's just starting...

You know what ? Screw this. Let's talk about something else, for once.

...

Turns out it's easier to say than to do. I've been staring at this (blank) page for a good ten minutes, and I still don't know what I should write about.

It's like having a thick fog taking over my mind. The memories are blurry and somehow scattered, little pieces of everything everywhere. At some moments, I'll randomly remember something that happened years ago (I've been recovering more memories from before the Maze, lately), then I'll see the Glade's gardens where I worked, then the Cranks from when we were travelling in the Scorch, then the look on Alby's face when he

No more memories.

Memories are bad.

Almost every one of them.

There are a few good ones. Would that be embarrassing if I said you were in most of them ?

Look, I know I shouldn't write about memories (I just showed you why) but there are some things you might want to know. Stuff from before the Maze.

I know you choose not to get your memories back, as Minho and I did, but I think I can tell why. And if I'm right, then you need those memories.

You're afraid. You're so bloody afraid of what you'd learn, Tommy. I tried to make you feel better about it, back then when we discovered you were involved in the creation of their "Trials" and I haven't changed my mind one bit. But I'm not stupid enough to believe it actually changed your mind on the matter. I hope it helped you to feel better about it and I think it did, but do not assume I don't see the look of guilt on your face every time someone brings it up.

None of it matters, Tommy. I'd repeat this over and over and over, staring right into your eyes, until it sinks in, but you're too stubborn for that, aren't you ? Nothing will ever be enough to convince you except the truth about your implication in their little experiment.

Trust me, the truth isn't what they've been feeding you since we escaped. They saw an opportunity to make you feel like an imposture, and they took it. Even if I didn't have the memories, I'd tell you I don't bloody care about what happened in those days, however I do have them, and guess what ? You're not an imposture.

We were friends long before the Maze. Me, you, Minho, Alby, then Chuck. Teresa was there too. I don't really want to write about her, because of, well, you know. What she did. You two were always very close, and eventually you'll work it out, or maybe you won't and you'll hold a grudge forever, I don't know. What I do know, on the other hand, is that it's none of my business and I won't be there to see it anyway. Besides, there could be more to discuss, and you have to trust me when I say I certainly don't want to talk about girls with you.

I'll only say one thing : I won't tell you if you should forgive her or not, that will be your decision. But she hurt you. And I'm not talking about dragging you on the ground in a bag or whatever she did afterwards. I don't want to assume what was going on between the two of you, but there was trust. Especially from you. You trusted her unconditionally, in a way none of us could. Still, she broke that trust. And it broke you too, a little bit. I saw it happen. I saw something change in your eyes. And it doesn't make me want to forgive her.

You and Teresa were special all along, even before WICKED put us all into the Maze. You had private rooms, private lessons, and lots of secrets when we met. I can't remember why. Maybe the answer is in the memories I didn't get back, maybe I never knew why you were different.

Here's my take : I didn't bloody care. Even then. I've always been your friend for what you are, despite what WICKED wants you to be.

I'm gonna say what you are, because maybe no one ever did : you're stubborn, in a brave way. You're funny, without even intending to be, and that's what makes you funny. You make the dumbest decisions, yet WICKED still somehow believes you're a genius. You're bold, and brave, I know I said it already but it's because you really are. You can be a bloody paradox sometimes. Mostly you're impatient, but I did see you patient. You have some trouble with tact, but I know you don't want to upset anyone. And I don't know if you'd like to be called kind, since this world sadly doesn't give a klunk about kindness, but you are one of the most fair, sincere and kind people I know. Because you're a good person, and if I have to die without having made any difference in this world, I can make one in your life by being the person who says this to you.

To me, you never were a guy who worked with the enemy, sending kids to their death and erasing their memories and everything. You were one of us, and that's all. You are one of us, and that's all.

We sneaked around at night, explored the headquarters, ate stolen snacks in empty rooms in the middle of the night. As I said, the memories are blurry, but the feeling I get from them isn't. It felt nice to have friends to rely on when my entire world had fallen apart. We felt unstoppable.

Of course, WICKED tried to prevent us from seeing each other -  once they got tired of watching us thinking we were outsmarting them. But we always found our way back.

I guess we still do.

Maybe you'll find your way back to me another time- and you will make it the last.

Fun fact : I was already calling you Tommy.