six feet under

EPILOGUE (part. 2)

Dear Newt,

You were right. Actually, you were right about everything, but here I'm only talking about the use of fancy words. We never used them under the pretext that they're old fashioned, which can make them embarrassing in a proper conversation. If I'm being honest I would've been part of the embarrassed a few months ago, but I'm not anymore. I wish I had used them when it was time, even if we lived a life in which it never really was. For example, I wish I had told you you're dear to me when you were still here to hear it.

I'm sorry. For everything. I wouldn't even know where to start. Do you want me to talk about all the times you said you were good and I didn't ask your eyes for confirmation ? Or should I go straight up to the way this world treated you in the unfairest, cruellest way possible ?

You always acted like you could deal with everything. You never asked for anything (assuming the times you asked my shuckface-self not to die don't count). I'm sorry you had to take the part of the responsible guy when you were the one who needed someone to rely on the most. I'm sorry I was too oblivious to see I could've been that someone.

I promise I'll remember you as you wanted. I'll remember how I instantly found you so much nicer than everybody else when I came up in the Box. I'll remember how you're always on my side, no matter if I'm right or wrong. I'll remember how you would follow me anywhere, if I asked you to.

I'll remember how funny you are. Your bittersweet sarcasm that never hurt anyone but yourself. You're not the sassy-type like Minho is, but you're still a master at roasting us when we get too far. The funny faces you make without even realising it. Your frowning.

I'll remember you as the most selfless person to ever exist. If you were at the back, it was because you always made sure not to leave anyone behind. If you were in the front, you were taking it all in for us. Checking on the others tirelessly, even when no one was checking on you. We would never have made it without you. I hope you know it.

I'll remember you as you. And I don't think I can find an adjective that is a greater compliment.

I'll get my smile back. When I will, it will be because I'm thinking of you. For now, it mostly summons tears. But it's fine. I'll keep waiting in the rain, under the clouds and I'll stare into space as I'll get soaking wet. Then I'll try to get out in the sunlight, little by little, and eventually it'll stop burning.

That's funny. It's as if reading you had turned me into a sentimental grandpa. Something is telling me that if you were there, you'd tell me you always knew I was a sentimental grandpa. Ugh. Repetition. You're a much better writer than I am. A deeper thinker, too.

Maybe the most beautiful people are always cursed with sadness. It isn't fair. Especially since you were carrying more than one curse. It is so unfair it makes me want to scream until I tear my lungs apart. But it wouldn't change anything. And you never screamed, when you had so many reasons to.

Now I can only try to be worthy of being the survivor, when it should've been you. I know you would hate to hear me say that, but I can't help it. You can add it to the list of things I'll apologise for when I see you again.

I hope you're in a better place now. One that deserves you.

Love,

Tommy.

PS : The sunset is beautiful, isn't it ?

AN: Heyy you,

This was the last chapter of the fic ^^ this was the first fanfic I ever finished and published so I'm actually very happy with it :) though it's still a bit messy and I know there's mistakes and all

ANYWAY, I know writing this was my idea in the first place but that was a bit depressing, so I think I'm gonna write another fic when they get their happy ending because they're MEANT TO BE, RIGHT ?

If you read this far, thank you thank you thank you, it means the world to me <3

Have a wonderful day/evening/night crying in Newtmas at 4AM <3