The Girl Who Felt The World

Maddy Feels

Maddy's life was a blur of constant movement, always on the go, never still long enough to confront her thoughts or emotions. She barely spent time at the units. They were more of a pit stop, somewhere to sleep when she had no better option and a place to store what few belongings she had.

The support workers had moved her out of the unit she shared with Sade and Tara. They thought Maddy and Sade were bad influences on each other and needed some distance. In truth, the move only enabled Maddy to sink further into her distractions. She had no connection to her new roommate, they passed each other like ships in the night.

Occasionally, she used Ayden for weed, using flirtation to get what she wanted. She bats her eyelashes, promising to pay later or offering a hand job in exchange. Emotionally, Maddy had shut down even more than she thought possible.  She floated through life, dissociated, disconnected from herself and the world.

At one point, while passing through the units, Maddy noticed her TV was gone. A part of her wondered if her dad had taken it back, maybe as punishment for being such a disappointment. But she didn't let herself dwell on it. Thoughts like that carried emotions, and emotions felt dangerous. So she pushed them away, floating forward, numb.

One sunny afternoon, while sitting outside at Jack's place, Maddy got a text on her cheap supermarket phone. It was Ayden, claiming he had her TV because she owed him money.

"What the hell is he talking about?"
Maddy muttered under her breath, her thumbs working quickly over the buttons as she replied.

"I don't owe you anything, Adyen. Give it back. Stop being a drama queen."

Ayden's responses came quickly, his words smug and insistent. 

"Pay me what you owe me, and I'll give it back."
 
"He's so full of shit" Maddy spat as she paced the front of Jack's house. She couldn't tell if her fury was real or just another act, but she went with it, playing out the scene yet never quite feeling it. In an apparent fit of anger, she threw her phone onto the concrete, watching it shatter almost in slow motion, still unable to truly connect to this moment or reality.

The 'boys' who were hanging around Jack's place saw her distress and quickly rallied around her. 

"What's up?" asked Jack. In his usual comforting and non-threatening manner.

"Ayden says he took my TV 'cause I owe him money. It's bullshit. He's just being an attention-seeking diva," Maddy replied, her voice sharp with anger.

"You want us to handle it?" Jack offered a smile creeper over her lips, "Yes", that's exactly what she wanted.

They declared Ayden's behaviour unacceptable, promising to "right the wrong." And within minutes Maddy found herself in one of two cars, with six men driving down to the units. Nervous energy coursed through her, her heart lodged in her throat as her two worlds collided.

When they arrived, a male support worker stood in front of the units, clearly waiting for them. Ayden had tipped them off. Faces peeked through the windows of the front units, curious residents trying to catch a glimpse of the unfolding drama.

Maddy loved being the centre of attention, the eye of the storm. It wasn't real, not deep, just a swirling mess that kept everything on the surface. As long as she kept the chaos going, she didn't have to sit with herself or her feelings. The storm was her shield, a way to stay in control while everything around her spun out of it.

People had always said, even when she was a child, that when Maddy was quiet, that’s when something was really wrong. When she screamed or cried, it was fine - predictable even. But when the noise stopped, when she locked everything down inside, that’s where the real damage lived. That hadn’t changed. Now, as an adult, it was still the things she didn’t dare speak of, the feelings she shoved down deep, that truly hurt.

The men got out of the cars, telling Maddy to stay behind. She watched from the passenger seat, her heart pounding as they confronted the support worker and Ayden on the front lawn. The six impressive men varied in height, and Maddy's eyes moved over their muscular forms. She couldn't hear what was being said, but the fact that she had six men to show for her, willing to fight on her behalf, gave her a rush.

Jack returned to the car after a few tense moments. "He's giving it back," his tone flat but triumphant.  "You're good."

Maddy's smile widened. "Thanks, Jack," she said softly, but inside, her heart raced with excitement. The power she felt was intoxicating. She liked it - craved more of it.

When she eventually returned to the units, her TV was waiting in the communal office. A male support worker explained that, at first, Ayden had convinced everyone he didn't take the TV. He had the staff wrapped around his finger, despite being the one supplying weed to the units.

Seeing Ayden proven wrong, the TV sitting there as evidence of his lie, gave Maddy a deep satisfaction. But the sight of the TV tugged at something deeper inside her, something far more painful than Ayden's deception.

She told the support worker to contact her dad to pick it up. She wanted it gone - along with any reminder of him. She claimed it wasn't safe with her, and technically it wasn't hers, so it was best if her dad took it back. In reality, the TV triggered emotions she didn't want to face, emotions tied to her dad and the suffocating weight they carried.

The thought of contacting him herself felt unbearable, like a brick pressing on her chest, making it impossible to breathe. So, Maddy left again, searching for her usual distractions- weed, sex, anything to numb the world and push her feelings further away.

While she was out, her dad silently collected the TV and left, as though he had never been there at all.