Hopelessly Romantic

Part 18

I've never been the best with my emotions. I don't know why it's coming to me now, in a cafe while I wait for Hitch, but it's coming like a train on tracks and it's not like I can stop how I overthink. I didn't use to overthink like this, a partial lie, and I only know about it because Hitch pointed it out. Hitch has done a lot for me this past month or so, and it's honestly making me more anxious as I have to wait for her. How do I do more for someone doing more than enough for me? How do I do more than enough like her? I didn't use to think this way, instead, I'd shove it down and just... wait? I keep forgetting the parts of my childhood when this comes up. One moment I'm with my adoptive dad, the next I'm on my bed with tear-stained cheeks. Another moment I'm at recess, then I'm on the bus with Y/n. One of the more prominent blurs was the last day of school. I want to remember it, but I can barely recall where my yearbook is at home, let alone the moment between her signing it and leaving abruptly. I followed her like a lost puppy that day, and maybe that was my mistake, maybe the only way for me to get my memories to stick is fighting.

That's why my scholarship was so generous. I'm totally leeching off your money once you're rich, is what Y/n said when she found out. And of course, that's the real reason why I'm so anxious. She's so frustrating, all wanting to forget everything and move on when- I was there too, I'm still here. I was always there for her, and I saw everything, how she was really popular, not the normal way, but she had people who liked her, not the way I do, and actually, the only who did, I held her back from- I held her back from everything, actually. I knew she wanted to move one before it came and now that she's really moving one it's- I'm scared, anxious because now I have to change to stay in her life. She doesn't want an emotionally stunted friend, let alone girlfriend. So if I change, try a bit harder, I think maybe she won't regret the parts with me too much, the stuff I held her back from. Or maybe she will, and this will all be for nothing- Hitch, ever the savior, comes in then, with my mind fading from someone else. She's wearing jeans and a hoodie, a bit different from her normal attire, but later she'll wave it off as her roommate, Sasha, being clumsy with laundry. Then I'll tease her for it, and she'll praise me for the tease. You're getting better , she'll say. But that's only what happens after we talk about what happened, what's going to happen, how all of this works- And why I haven't given up yet but crave to do so, strongly. I know if I do, everything will be so much easier for her, for us. But I'm me, forever selfish with my emotions.

"Well, I hate traffic-" "You live a block away-" "Exactly, so many feet and cars it's so frustrating!" She groans before sitting down, pulling out her chair and thanking me for the drink I got her, but I never really get her anything. I've never really gifted her anything from the amount I take. I don't know why I'm like this. Hitch is trying to help me figure it out even though she's nowhere near a psych major. She's trying, and it's rubbing off on me, more than Y/n's anxiety, and more than the anger I have towards Mikasa, towards me, maybe her too. "So, how was your week," she asks, sipping her beverage. It's an iced caramel latte. It's cold out and doesn't make any sense to order, but I like her like that. I like knowing she's confusing, so, pitifully, I know I'm not the only human wondering why they're still longing, living a life that's too tiring. "I did a lot of training; my match is coming up in a couple of months." She squeals in excitement. "When can I get my ticket?" I barely contain my eye roll, substituting it for a slightly disgusted, more bored expression. She sighs, setting down her cup of caffeine before filling the empty air, "I should go since Y/n is going, and you should invite some of her friends." She starts listing off people, and when she ends with Armin, all I can think about is the unsaid two- The unsaid woman who has been lingering in my mind, plaguing my future with Y/n, almost making it impossible-

"If you're fighting him, I so want a shot of the knockout-" The thought of Mikasa is left dry, shriveled in the desert as Hitch's words enter my head. "Huh?" Hitch rolls her eyes better than I ever could. "Shadis?" My brows furrow because he's a teacher, my literal coach and she's insinuating something so out of the ordinary that I think she's more confusing than I'll ever be. Oddly, I'm envious of her for it. I want to be that confusing so Y/n will never understand why I like her, why her touch when I woke up broke me and split me to pieces at her mercy. She'll never have to know of the longing I went through because I'd have told her already, in a way Hitch would if she had a crush. "Listen, I get you think I'm stupid for insinuating a coach would fight a student, but you don't understand- There are rumors, almost proven, that he went to jail for illegal fighting as a kid- And he's been rumored to kick students' asses just to help them fight better."